Football predictions - guaranteed 100% correct!¹
I'll give the point spreads, not so much so you can gamble (even though, according to what "God" told Ned Flanders, gaming is fine), but so that I can see how insanely far off the spreads are and how insanely far off my predictions are. Because yes, I will give final scores. I fear nothing!
I have to do this now because the season starts tonight! Oakland at New England! Whoo-hoo! Home team in caps, by the way.
NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) 35, Oakland 10. Defense always beats offense, especially early in the season.
NEW YORK GIANTS (-3) 21, Arizona 18. I think the Cardinals will be better and might even make the playoffs, but they have to win a road game, and this ain't it. It's September 11 in New York, for crying out loud!
Denver (-4.5) 28, MIAMI 13. Miami has no quarterback or running back. That means no way they win this.
Cincinnati (-3.5) 27, CLEVELAND 10. The Bengals might make a run at the playoffs. The Browns won't.
Houston (+5) 21, BUFFALO 17. A road dog! The Bills are a chic pick to make the playoffs as well, but they have an untested quarterback.
PITTSBURGH (-7) 17, Tennessee 3. The Titans are not good. I don't think the Steelers are going to be as good as they were last year, but they're better than the Titans.
Chicago (+6) 16, WASHINGTON 14. I like rookie Kyle Orton more than I like pseudo-veteran Patrick Ramsay. Neither offense is any good, though.
CAROLINA (-7) 26, New Orleans 9. I want the Saints to win this game, but it's not happening.
MINNESOTA (-6) 38, Tampa 14. The Vikings have a monster offense.
JACKSONVILLE (-3) 13, Seattle 7. I don't like either team. The home team gets the benefit of the doubt.
KANSAS CITY (-3) 31, New York Jets 20. I don't know why anyone thinks the Jets are going to overtake the Patriots this year. Pennington can't throw further than fifteen yards.
St. Louis (-6) 40, SAN FRANCISCO 14. The Rams aren't that good, but the 49ers are that bad.
DETROIT (-3) 28, Green Bay 25. Detroit at home gives them the slight edge of two mediocre teams.
SAN DIEGO (-4.5) 27, Dallas 10. Drew Bledsoe is not the man to lead the Cowboys back.
BALTIMORE (+3) 17, Indianapolis 14 (Sunday Night). I'm taking the home dog. Last year on the road the Ravens had a good shot at beating Peyton Manning. This year they do it at home.
Philadelphia (-1.5) 28, ATLANTA 21 (Monday Night). It's not quite a homer pick - if this were later in the year I'd probably take the Falcons. They just seem to not quite have it together on offense yet.
I also thought I'd list some of the "experts' picks" for who is going to the Super Bowl, because it's fun when they're all wrong. As I mentioned, Theismann thinks the 'Skins are going. Some others:
Dan Patrick, ESPN: New England, Carolina
Len Pasquerelli, ESPN: New England, Atlanta
John Clayton, ESPN: Indianapolis, Minnesota
Chris Mortensen, ESPN: Indianapolis, Philadelphia
Joe Theismann, ESPN: Pittsburgh, Washington
Merril Hoge, ESPN: Indianapolis, Atlanta³
Sal Paolantonio, ESPN: Indianapolis, Philadelphia
All the above picks, plus more in-depth ones, can be found here.
Woody Paige, ESPN's Cold Pizza: Denver (!), Atlanta
Skip Bayless, ESPN's Cold Pizza: New England, Carolina
Clark Judge, CBS Sportsline.com: Indianapolis, Philadelphia
Pete Prisco, CBS Sportsline.com: Oakland (!!), Philadelphia
Vic Carucci, NFL.com: Indianapolis, Atlanta
Jay Glazer, FOX Sports: Indianapolis, Atlanta
Well, that's enough of that. I'll check back in at the end of the year to see who knows what they're talking about and who should be fired (Theismann, Paige, Prisco). I'll also check back in on Monday to see how I did. Bring on the football!
¹ Guarantee not valid in Arizona, Vermont, Oregon, or, hell, any of the 50 states, or anywhere else for that matter. Okay, it's valid in the Seychelles. Any readers from there out there? Yeah, didn't think so.
² He did, too. I heard it on The Dan Patrick Show this morning.
³ Hoge HATES the Eagles. He's the only one who has a different team (Dallas) winning the NFC East. I really want someone to ask him what the Eagles did to him, because he didn't think they would make the playoffs last year (they went to the Super Bowl) and for the past few years whenever they make the playoffs he predicts they'll lose every game. It's weird. He's obviously biased, but no one ever calls him on it.