Rick Pitino needs to shut up

I've avoided commenting on the Rick Pitino situation, because I just don't care. However, yesterday Pitino got a bit angry, and I think I need to tell him to just shut up. So: Shut up, Rick Pitino.

Pitino, in case you don't know, is the head basketball coach at the University of Louisville. A few weeks ago, it came out that he had fucked a woman in a restaurant six years ago and then paid her to have an abortion. The news came out because the woman, after six years, claimed rape and tried to extort money from him. The police brought no charges against Pitino and the woman is under investigation for the extortion charge. Despite committing adultery and paying for an abortion, the very Catholic Pitino kept his job. I mean, he knows how to coach, right?

I was disgusted by both parties involved in this sordid tale, as Karen Sypher, the woman whom Pitino nailed, seems like a bit of a nut case. However, yesterday Pitino responded to the release of her police interview, which he says is a "total fabrication."

Listen, Rick, you need to shut up. It's obvious this woman is unhinged, and nobody believes her when she says you raped her and all the other charges she's levying against you. But when you respond by holding a press conference and ranting like you do, everyone starts to wonder whether you're a bit unhinged, too. It began when Pitino inexplicably referenced 9/11 in his initial press conference (he wasn't comparing what he was going through to the victims of 9/11, so that's a plus, but he did bring it up for seemingly no reason), and now, Pitino wishes it would all go away because he's worried about the effect the news coverage is having on his family.

Um, yeah. Maybe you should have thought of the effect fucking a woman who wasn't your wife and then paying for her abortion would have on your family, Rick. This is a news story, mainly because you're a high-profile employee in a high-profile job and you did something that, according to the teachings you profess to follow, makes you a hypocrite. Pitino also goes a bit off-topic again, this time whining that people should focus on the economy (says the man who makes millions coaching basketball), bitching that it came out on the day Ted Kennedy died (another odd allusion), and saying that we need to get on with "crucial" things in life, "like basketball."

This last statement is why he really, really needs to shut up. Reminding people that you're a freakin' basketball coach (and yes, coaches often help shape the lives of young men who don't have father figures, I get it, but if Pitino really believes that, he should man up and resign, because men take responsibility for their indiscretions) might not be the best way to go. So please shut up, Rick Pitino. When Karen Sypher makes some idiotic statement, stop reminding people that it takes two scumbags to tango on a restaurant floor.

Why I ignore the news

I've been trying to keep my anger about certain things off the blog, because once I've gone over what makes me angry and what makes me happy, it's kind of pointless to keep bringing it up, right? Plus, it's not like I ignore the news, I just wish I could sometime. This week, unfortunately, has been kind of annoying.

1. Why are so many people more bent out of shape by the administration releasing memos acknowledging that we tortured than by the torture itself? I was arguing with Mia's PT this week about this (he's relatively conservative). He made the very good point that if Obama wants to release all the information that says we tortured, then he should be willing to release all the information that indicates what information we actually extracted from those we tortured. It's ironic that Chaney and Rove, the Masters of Misinformation, are calling for exactly that, probably so they can cover their asses by claiming that at least we thwarted some plots. That's perfectly reasonable. It still doesn't explain why conservatives, who claim to be for "freedom" and not necessarily "equality," don't think it's reprehensible that we did this. As I pointed out to Mia's PT, the hard core Al Qaida types have goals that are so beyond the realm of reality (like remaking the entire planet as a backward-looking Caliphate) that they don't really care if they get tortured. All it does, ultimately, is make our so-called ideals look foolish. Mia's PT pointed out that we had Founders who believed in the freedom of individuals, which is a good thing, because most people today would trade freedom for security in a heartbeat. At least we could have the guts to admit it.

2. Why was there such a kerfuffle over Miss California's answer to the question about gay marriage? The last time I checked, we had something in this country called freedom of speech, so why are people jumping all over her for answering something truthfully? From what I've read about it, Ms. Prejean didn't say she wanted to slaughter all homosexuals or that they are an abomination or they should be rounded up and kept in camps, she simply said that she believes marriage should be between a man and a woman. The pageant people foolishly let out that it was the reason she didn't win, which is idiotic, as it's a beauty pageant. You can think Ms. Prejean was misguided all you want, but she doesn't make policy, so who cares what she thinks? Why is no one bagging on Perez Hilton, who asked a person who attends San Diego Christian College such a loaded question?

Ms. Prejean, by the way, is a wholesome young lady who happens to like posing in bikinis:













Let's not hold that against her!

3. Recently in Arizona there's been a huge debate over speed cameras, which snap photographs of speeding cars. People have reacted antagonistically, leading to several people (including me) to think, "Maybe you shouldn't speed." Mia's PT, ironically (or perhaps not) enough, believes the speed cameras are a violation of the law because the tickets are not given by a lawfully appointed officer, but that's neither here nor there. Obviously they're in place to collect money for the state, and with the state in the financial difficulties it's in, I don't have a big problem with what is essentially a tax on people who speed. Some people have taken axes to the cameras and placed Post-It notes over the aperture in protest, but earlier this week, some dude pulled up next to an officer who was checking the cameras and shot him three times, killing him. As horrible as that is, people on the Arizona Republic's web site defended the killing, wondering why they should feel bad for some fascist. These are, presumably, the same people who want to round up every swarthy person and ship them to Guatemala when one illegal immigrant kills a cop, but they were defending some guy murdering someone in cold blood just because they might have to pay $200 for going 77 mph in a 65 mph-zone. I know the Internet is all about the freedom of anonymity, but that still disgusts me. It's one of the reasons why I am so open about everything on the Internet. I will never register for a web site under a pseudonym. You know who I am! The murder saddens me, but the reaction of some disgusts me.

4. Not really newsworthy, but we had our first 100-degree (Fahrenheit) day here on Tuesday. GOOD FUCKING TIMES!!!! Of course, the only thing that makes summer bearable, the pool, isn't quite warm enough to swim in. But it's getting there! So for now, I'm trapped in the house until the temperature falls (which it's supposed to do this weekend). 102 degrees in April. People wonder why I hate it here.

Why sports announcers should shut up

I ought to read Awful Announcing more often, because it's damned funny. They hate Pam Ward, who probably deserves it, but there's so many other horrible announcers out there, and the blog does a nice job of summing it up. The end of the year awards are up, and they are extremely fun and often inexplicable. Ward herself shows up often, as with this quote: "Great tackle, er, broken tackle by Charles. Gordon finally gets him in the backfield. Gain of 5 for Charles." Huh? They're broken down into categories, including the "overly sexual quotes of the year," which aren't, of course, supposed to be sexual. And there's some video clips, including one from a telecast of a football game where a man and a woman are ... well, I don't know what they're doing, but it made it onto ABC!

Megan Fox needs to shut up

Megan Fox, whose sole contribution to the betterment of Western civilization is bending over the hood of a Camaro in Transformers, apparently is desperate to remain in the limelight even though she's, you know, not a very good actress. She has been interviewed by GQ magazine, in which she drops some knowledge. Allow me to quote, as slogging through the entire article might cause you to lose some IQ points or, at the very least, make you suicidal.

"Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided — oh man; sorry, Mommy! — that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time — I would go there by myself. I bought her things — perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I'd get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I'd give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration — like You can do it, you're better than this! I didn't want her to be there."

"Well, she did smell good. Like vanilla. She was sort of a tough badass, but she'd do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny."

"Look, I'm not a lesbian — I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands [WTF?!?!?!?]. She's mesmerizing. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but ... Oh boy."

Dear lord. Olivia Wilde is currently starring as "Thirteen" on House (where she's so well respected they never use her actual name), but you may have caught her on The O. C. (I never watched the show) or in the totally awesome horror movie Turistas. She's okay, I guess, but I never thought of her as particularly sexy:


As for Jenna Jameson ... well, the less said, the better. That's a link to her Wikipedia entry, and she looks rough. Years in the porn industry will do that too you, I guess.

Anyway, Megan Fox has a nice body and all, but she kind of has that vapid look on her face for most of Transformers and in photographs that isn't all that attractive. Plus, she should, you know, shut up. Way too much information, Megan. How about you concentrate on not taking the Jenna Jameson Career Path instead of letting us know all this stuff, okay? And keep rocking that Marilyn Monroe tat. You'll be fine.

No Man's Land in the political war

I'm not sure when taking the middle ground became such a horrible thing. Actually, that's not true. Taking the middle ground has always been a horrible thing for the loud-mouth extremists on either end of the political spectrum. I wonder when the loud-mouth extremists became so loud that they drowned out any reasonable discussion of a topic. Sometime recently, I suspect, since the rise of 24-hour "news" networks and talk radio and the Internet. And that's the way the world is, now. And it's a damned shame.

The latest kerfuffle here in Phoenix in which the loud-mouth extremists are setting the agenda has to do with Julie Erfle. You may not know who Julie Erfle is, but that's okay. Julie Erfle's husband, Nick, was a police officer killed in the line of duty almost a year ago. He was killed by ... an illegal immigrant.

Oh dear. Nothing brings out the extremists in Arizona like illegal immigration. And that story really made them nuts. Well, until Julie Erfle went to Washington with Phoenix's mayor, Phil Gordon, to advocate for comprehensive immigration reform. Oh dear, again.

Erfle's trip put a bug in the butt of Bruce Jacobs, a morning talk show host on a local radio station in Phoenix. KFYI claims that Jacobs is their "resident right wing ranter," but this station carries both Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage, so it's not like they have a lot of NON-right wing ranters, but whatever. Jacobs tore into Erfle, claiming that "comprehensive immigration reform" is really amnesty (and it's always funny how conservatives, while they acknowledge Reagan's famous amnesty of 1986, never seem to take that into account when they lionize the Gipper) and that Erfle should be ashamed of herself. More to the point, he claimed her dead husband would be ashamed of her for taking this stance and that he would put part of the blame on her the next time a police officer is gunned down by an illegal immigrant.

Wrap your head around that for a moment. Bruce Jacobs has no idea what Nick Erfle's political stance was about illegal immigration, yet he knows that he would be ashamed of the woman whom he married and had two kids with. Now, as he's in law enforcement, maybe Nick Erfle was completely on board with the "deport them all and build a mile-high brick wall along the Rio Grande" attitude that many conservatives have. But Bruce Jacobs doesn't know that. Plus, now he's going to blame a grieving widow raising two small kids for any other killings of police officers? Classy, Bruce. Well done.

As many reasonable people have pointed out, there's a difference between criticizing Julie Erfle for going to Washington and advocating for a position you don't agree with and ripping into her personally and claiming she'll be to blame for more deaths. Jacobs is an idiot for saying that, but that's his right (there are calls for him to be fired, but how about people stop listening to him, for crying out loud!). Julie Erfle became a public figure when she went to Washington, so go ahead and disagree with her position. I'm not sure why opponents of someone feel the need to insult people personally when they don't agree with them. It's sad. Of course, people who show up to comment in posts like this one and this one show that a lot of people think it's okay to insult people for their beliefs, because everyone thinks they're right and will never admit that they might be wrong. I guess that's what passes for political discourse in the country these days.

I was listening to Laura Ingraham this morning, and she was making fun of the attendees of the Democratic convention. She said they were given flags and it appeared they needed to be told how to wave them so they could act patriotic. She was having a good laugh at her lame joke. Why did she feel the need to do that? If she doesn't agree with Democrats (and she doesn't), can't she just point out where she disagrees with them and leave it at that? I think the attendees of both conventions look like idiots, but we'll see if Ingraham makes this point when the RNC fires up. Probably not - they'll all be heroes dancing around and weeping because they love their candidate and their country so much. It's beneath people to insult others just because you don't like their beliefs, yet extremists from both sides act like they're in grade school all the time, and nobody calls them on it.

Illegal immigration is a serious problem in this country, but no matter what the conservatives say, it doesn't have a simple solution. You can call it amnesty all you want, but there's no way we're deporting 12 million people (the estimate of the number of illegals in the country). We definitely need to secure the border, but we're not deporting those who are already here, and Bruce Jacobs and his ilk need to recognize that. Even if they don't, insulting a woman who knows the cost of illegal immigration far more than Bruce Jacobs does is idiotic. How will we ever get anything done if we're reduced to insults? I guess that's why we're not getting anything done.

Alicia Keys needs to shut up

It has been quite some time since I read about a celebrity who needs to shut up, but Alicia Keys has come to the rescue! In an interview with Blender magazine, Keys apparently says that Gangsta rap was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other and that it didn't actually exist, as well as opining that the feud between Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. was "fueled by the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing." Presumably that "great black leader" was Tupac, although why couldn't it have been Biggie?

Now, I'm sure Ms. Keys is a wonderful person, and she made such a cute couple with Common in Smokin' Aces, but does she really believe that? I'll have to ask Ice Cube if "Fuck tha Police" was just a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. I wonder what he would say.

You're free to exercise your first amendment rights, Ms. Keys, but in this case, I think you should just shut up.

Really? We're angry about this?

People have got all bent out of shape about an Absolut ad. Now, they're crazy conservatives who have called for a boycott on Michelle Malkin's web site, but still, they're presumably regular people, with jobs and spouses and children and, you know, things to do. Yet they're getting pissy about an advertisement, because it ... well, I'm not really sure why they're pissed. It has something to do with those brown people coming up here, trimming our lawns and harvesting our oranges and stealing our white women (and, presumably, Asian immigrant women)! Damn them! I'm not quite sure how a vodka company contributes to all those swarthy, sweaty people flooding into our pure, virginal land, but I'm sure if you head on over to Malkin's site she can explain it much better than I can. Here's the offending ad, by the way:

You know, it's a historical map, people. Yes, I can see that people would be angry because it claims that in a "perfect" world, all of that would still be Mexico, but you know what, conservatives? You're still grumpy that we don't have Cuba under our little thumb. It's kind of a right of people to bitch about land lost in a war. I mean, it's a vodka ad. Lighten up, conservatives!

Of course, if there's someone somewhere threatening to have fun, Christians will be there to shut it down! A Christian radio network is grumpy about "Wacky Week" at an elementary school in Reedsburg, Wisconsin. The crime? They suggested that the kids dress up, either as senior citizens or - wait for it - the opposite sex. You know that once a boy puts on a dress, he immediately becomes gay! The opposition to this was spearheaded by Jim Schneider, the program director, who says that the school district is striking at the heart and core of Biblical values. The principal says they've never had a problem, the day went off without a hitch, and they'll do it again. Good for her! Aren't there, you know, real problems in the world for Christians to tackle? Shouldn't they be writing to the president to protest his support of China? The last time I checked, China was doing worse things to Christians than a little "cross-dressing."

Sheesh. People have way too much time on their hands. Yes, the irony of a blogger pointing this out doesn't escape me. Still, at least I use my idle time to write about comic books and my favorite songs. That's constructive!

Stupid conservative radio talk show hosts should shut up!

Today I foolishly switched to one of the many conservative radio stations in town, mostly because there were commercials on the sports talk radio shows. Once Rush Limbaugh was on, and the other time Michael Savage was on. I turned them off quickly, because they made me angry. I'm rather unabashedly liberal (for the most part, although like a lot of people, I'm liberal on some things and conservative on others, something hard core people on both sides tend to forget), but I don't like crazies on either side ranting about stuff. As conservative talk dominates the airwaves here in the Basin, I usually end up listening to that for a few minutes. So what did I hear today that made me angry?

Rush was talking about Barack Obama, his wife, and his ex-preacher. He was going on about Michelle Obama giving a speech to a group of women and encouraging them to stay out of jobs that pay shitloads of money and stay in jobs that have to do with service for the community that don't pay as much. Rush did say that it's noble to be in social work, but he specifically picked on Ms. Obama because he says she is "anti-middle class." He said she got this idea specifically from Obama's pastor, the controversial Jeremiah Wright, who, according to Rush, has ranted against the middle class before. Wright, according to Rush, is very against materialism and hates the middle class. Now, I have no idea if Wright is actually anti-middle class. If he's friends with the Obamas, who are very wealthy, I doubt it. One point on which I tend to agree with conservatives is that liberal Democrats in politics tend to be far richer than they like to admit, so their concern for the poor comes off as a bit disingenuous. I don't know what Michelle Obama's speech was about or what her motivation was, but it seems, from what Rush said, that Reverend Wright is actually talking about being a good Christian. You know, that Jesus dude, who told everyone who followed him to give away everything they owned? Now, I'm sure Rush considers himself a Christian, so you'd think he would be remotely familiar with the teachings of Jesus. You know, as he's the basis for the religion and all. So I'm unsure why he's so angry about Reverend Wright railing against materialism. Shouldn't all pastors do that?

Okay, moving on to Michael Savage. He was reading an article about the Larkspur, California city council. The writer of this article was ranting about the fact that Larkspur, along with several other city councils, are so politically correct that they're turning into Communist cells. Yes, Savage called them "Communist cells." Anyway, the writer was saying that the city council had decided to speak with a unified voice to the media. That means, according to this writer, that if a vote goes 3-2, the minority does not get to voice their opinions. The writer was apoplectic that the Larkspur city council would oppress free speech in this way. It's like a Chinese village in the 1950s, according to Savage. Or, you know, like the United States circa 2003, when anyone who suggested that the war might not be the best idea was branded a traitor. Remember those great days? Apparently, if you disagree with something that's really cool, like stupid wars, then the majority can overrule any dissent! But when a tiny town in stupid hippie California does something, then we need to send in the Marines to liberate the noble conservatives hiding in their basements because the town council is squashing their right to speak!

This is why I hate conservative talk show hosts. Not because they're wrong, because they're often correct. But extreme people on both sides are so blind to the shit their own sides pull while they're condemning the sins of the other side. I mean, I agree that taxing the shit out of people isn't the best idea, but I hate to hear conservatives condemn it while never admitting that giving tax breaks while spending more money and growing the deficit to obscene amounts is probably not the best way to run the country. And I hate to hear liberals condemn the wealthy while they make more money than I will ever do and then say we need to tax people like me more. They both suck. But conservatives are louder and more obnoxious, so they earn my ire. Fuck Rush and fuck Savage. Rush needs to find out what it means to be a Christian, and Savage needs to remember recent times in our country when the conservative majority oppressed free speech. So fuck 'em both.

Yet another fun news story

I don't have a good Top Ten topic this week, so I'm going to think about it for next week. In the meantime, I found another fun news story on yonder Internet. A 15-year-old student in Connecticut is suing the school district because a teacher slammed her hand on the desk next to head ... to wake him up. Yes, he was sleeping in class, the teacher woke him up, and now he's suing because he experienced ... well, who cares - he's freakin' suing the school district! I'm sure his parents are encouraging him in this. People wonder why America is going down the tubes. I don't.

Frankly, I'm shocked

I've decided I'm happier that the Cheaters lost than angrier that Eli Manning is a Super Bowl-winning quarterback and an undeserving MVP and that an NFC East team won the championship before the Eagles did. But I'm still shocked. I'm still not entirely sure how it happened (and, to be honest, I didn't watch the whole game). Surprisingly enough, if you rush the passer effectively, you can shut down a good offense. Who knew?

So in the end, the Cheaters get theirs. And as I saw Randy Moss and Junior Seau looking like they were going to cry, I thought, "Yeah, fuck you guys." I don't want to hate the Cheaters, because I admire a lot of what they do, but as many long-time winners get, they started to get a bit full of themselves, so it's nice to see them taken down a peg. Is this the beginning of the end of the New England dynasty?

I'm also not worried about New Jersey dominating the league, because I'm still not all that impressed with them. They could easily miss the playoffs next year. We'll see.

Of course, now Mercury Morris will be even more insufferable. Please, national media, stop calling him up to get quotes from him. Man, what asshole. Maybe next year no team will be undefeated late in the year, so nobody talks to Morris and his geriatric cronies.

Anyway, good job, New Jersey. I'm stunned.

As usual, I'm puzzled by people with far more money than I have

"Disheartening." "I don't have any respect for him." "Coward." "Hypocrite." "Quitter." These are just some of the things the Atlanta Falcons are saying about their ex-coach, Bobby Petrino, who ditched them yesterday to bolt back to college, where he took the Arkansas position. Petrino learned what a lot of college coaches from big conferences learn: it's a lot easier to win 11-12 games at a college football factory than in the NFL, where everyone is pretty good. I don't understand why college coaches are so eager to go to the pros. They make pretty good money in college (Petrino will take a pay cut from 4 to a little over 2 million dollars a year, which is the kind of pay cut I could live with) and they certainly don't have as much pressure on them. Let some assistant coach on another pro team move up in the ranks! Petrino is an asshole, no doubt, because he ditched the team with three games left in the season even though he always told his shitty team (the Falcons are 3-10) to play four quarters each game. Good job, Coach! But all coaches lie, so we shouldn't be surprised. Arkansas drove Houston Nutt (what a great name!) out of Fayetteville for some off-field stuff, but also because they thought he didn't win enough. Well, the team is in the SEC, usually cited as the toughest conference in the country, and he won 9 games four times in 10 years, won the SEC West twice, and finished with a record of 75-48, including 42-38 in-conference. You're Arkansas! Frank Broyles isn't coming back, and you're not winning any more National Championships (Arkansas has actually won one, in 1964). Deal with it. Good luck with Petrino, especially when he ditches you in a year or two.

However, this isn't a rant about what an asshole Petrino is. Those same players who were so offended by Petrino running out on them were the ones wearing the "Free Mick Vick" T-shirts under their jerseys this past Monday night. Mike Vick, who pleaded guilty. Mike Vick, who finally admitted that he actually killed dogs. Mike Vick, who is by all accounts a total scumbag. The Falcon players are justifiably angry that their coach left, but they support a dog-killing asshole like Mike Vick. It just shows us, once again, that people are idiots. What a bunch of assholes all around.

I mentioned a while back that I didn't think Vick would miss another season, because of his celebrity status. I'm kind of surprised the judge dropped the hammer on him, but then I heard that he did finally admit that he killed dogs and didn't just pass them on to his buddies to kill. As usual, lying to a judge gets you in more trouble than doing something wrong. Vick is gone for next year, and I have my doubts if he will ever play again. And you know what? I don't care. Let him get a real fucking job like everyone else. Maybe he can go coach on Bobby Petrino's staff!

Hot chicks need to shut up

Well, it's been some time since a celebrity really needed to shut up, and this week, we have two attractive women who need to zip it. First up in Evangeline Lilly. Yes, Kate from Lost looked good at the Emmys, is happy that her show wasn't nominated, but, as my wonderful wife pointed out, she is grumpy because she's hot. It causes problems in her life. Poor baby!

Shut up, Evangeline!

Then we have Kristin Cavallari, who you may or may not know from Laguna Beach on MTV. Boy, I have watched about five minutes of that show in my life and I thought my brain was going to explode. Anyway, Ms. Cavallari is featured in the latest Blender magazine, and she says:

"Since so many people know who I am and know my business, I can't get away with things I'd normally be able to. And I'm not 21, so going out can be a big issue. Then again, being hot can actually help with that problem, so it's good and bad."

Wow, that's just too bad, Kristin. I feel for you, I really do.

Shut the hell up, why don't you.

Don't these chicks know that I will be dictator one day? Why do they say such stupid things and anger their future leader? WHY????

Not one, but two celebrities need to shut up!

From today's Arizona Republic:

[Britney] Spears told the British publication [the Sun] that she would love to make a film with [George] Clooney.

"He's pretty cute, but don't tell my husband," Spears says.

The ideal Spears-Clooney collaboration script would have Spears playing, perhaps, Wonder Woman - from the Island of Amazon Doritos Addicts With a Severe Allergy to Standard-Issue Superhero Spandex.

"I would go nude. And I'd love to play a superhero. That would be really cool," Spears says.

Clooney, of course, would play Maj. Steve Trevor, whose overwhelming sexiness would cause him to be habitually clubbed over the head and stuffed into a barrel, but always rescued by a topless Spears wielding a golden venti Frappuccino of truth. The Nazis, however, would remain clothed and uncaffeinated.

[emphasis mine, because that's what she shouldn't have said.]

Oh, Britney. Oh, dear Britney.

And then there's Clementine Ford, Cybill Shepherd's daughter: "It was tough having a beautiful mother as a kid. High school boyfriends wanted sex with her. I don't blame Mom for being beautiful - but it was gross." Almost as gross as you telling us about it!!!!

Hey, Clementine and Britney: shut the hell up.

Mary J. Blige needs to shut up

According to the newspaper yesterday (I couldn't find the Arizona Republic link, but here's the same story), God wants Mary J. Blige to flash the bling. I'll quote the whole thing because it's, well, it's something, I'll tell you that much:

"My God is a God who wants me to have things," the singer tells May's Blender magazine. "He wants me to bling. He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block. I don't know what kind of God the rest of y'all are serving, but the God I serve says, 'Mary, you need to be the hottest thing this year, and I'm gonna make sure you're doing that'."

The sheer awesomeness of that statement is breathtaking. Did everyone know that "bling" can now be used as a verb, as in, "He wants me to bling"? I didn't know that.

Now, before you go criticizing Ms. J. Blige for her statement, I think you better understand your Bible just a little bit more than you do. In Matthew 19:21, Jesus says, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven." What you may not know is that in the second century, the famous Bishop Snoopius of Doggius wrote a letter to one of his flock, a man we know only as Fitty Denarii, explaining that in the original, Jesus went on to say, "The treasure in heaven will be like unto the bling of the earth; therefore, keep thine bling on earth to dazzle the sinners and shine like unto the heavens." When it came time to codify the New Testament, the assembled bishops declared that Bishop Snoopius was a heretic because of his funky beats and edited that part out. Damned interfering bishops!

Hey, Mary: shut the hell up. And leave God out of this. He has enough to worry about.

Bruce Willis AND Sharon Stone need to shut up

Wow! Surprisingly enough, two celebrities need to shut up today. Who would have guessed they'd be opening their mouths in such idiotic abundance???

According to that bastion of journalistic integrity, the Arizona Republic, Mr. Willis has become a foreign policy expert. The nice thing about Willis is that he's a conservative (not Republican) Hollywood guy, so when he needs to shut up, it's for completely different reasons that most Hollywood people need to shut up. Bruce doesn't like drugs, and he thinks it's about time the United States did something about it:

"The United States and everyone who cares about protecting the freedoms that the largest part of the free world now has should do whatever it takes to end terrorism in the world. And not just in the Middle East," Willis said, according to one transcript of the conferences. "I'm talking also about going to Colombia and doing whatever it takes to end the cocaine trade. It's killing this country. It's killing all the countries that coke goes into."

Awesome, Bruce. The Colombian president didn't think it was too nice, but what the hell does Bruce care - he's John Fuckin' McClain!

Meanwhile, a true namby-pamby liberal, Sharon Stone, went to Israel, because the Jews and Muslims who hate each other there are going to listen to a statuesque blonde who flashed her cooter to millions of movie-goers. She said, "I would kiss just about anybody for peace in the Middle East." She may have been kidding, but the point is - what the hell is she doing there anyway?


Hey, Bruce and Sharon: go back to "singing" with your "band" and showing off your gams. And shut the hell up.