Rick Pitino needs to shut up

I've avoided commenting on the Rick Pitino situation, because I just don't care. However, yesterday Pitino got a bit angry, and I think I need to tell him to just shut up. So: Shut up, Rick Pitino.

Pitino, in case you don't know, is the head basketball coach at the University of Louisville. A few weeks ago, it came out that he had fucked a woman in a restaurant six years ago and then paid her to have an abortion. The news came out because the woman, after six years, claimed rape and tried to extort money from him. The police brought no charges against Pitino and the woman is under investigation for the extortion charge. Despite committing adultery and paying for an abortion, the very Catholic Pitino kept his job. I mean, he knows how to coach, right?

I was disgusted by both parties involved in this sordid tale, as Karen Sypher, the woman whom Pitino nailed, seems like a bit of a nut case. However, yesterday Pitino responded to the release of her police interview, which he says is a "total fabrication."

Listen, Rick, you need to shut up. It's obvious this woman is unhinged, and nobody believes her when she says you raped her and all the other charges she's levying against you. But when you respond by holding a press conference and ranting like you do, everyone starts to wonder whether you're a bit unhinged, too. It began when Pitino inexplicably referenced 9/11 in his initial press conference (he wasn't comparing what he was going through to the victims of 9/11, so that's a plus, but he did bring it up for seemingly no reason), and now, Pitino wishes it would all go away because he's worried about the effect the news coverage is having on his family.

Um, yeah. Maybe you should have thought of the effect fucking a woman who wasn't your wife and then paying for her abortion would have on your family, Rick. This is a news story, mainly because you're a high-profile employee in a high-profile job and you did something that, according to the teachings you profess to follow, makes you a hypocrite. Pitino also goes a bit off-topic again, this time whining that people should focus on the economy (says the man who makes millions coaching basketball), bitching that it came out on the day Ted Kennedy died (another odd allusion), and saying that we need to get on with "crucial" things in life, "like basketball."

This last statement is why he really, really needs to shut up. Reminding people that you're a freakin' basketball coach (and yes, coaches often help shape the lives of young men who don't have father figures, I get it, but if Pitino really believes that, he should man up and resign, because men take responsibility for their indiscretions) might not be the best way to go. So please shut up, Rick Pitino. When Karen Sypher makes some idiotic statement, stop reminding people that it takes two scumbags to tango on a restaurant floor.

Sex is fun!

So says Britain's National Health Service!

The NHS (can we call it that?) has released a pamphlet for teens emphasizing that sex can be pleasurable. This, of course, has put some people into a bit of a dither, because won't someone think of the children!!!!! I sympathize with those people, being a parent of daughters (because boys can have sex anytime they want and not worry about the consequences, right?), but I still think the parents are the ones who really have the most influence with whether their kids have sex or not. I know I'll have to deal with this sooner or later, but I'd like to think that Norah will be smart about it - whatever "smart" means in this case.

Who knew sex is fun? Alert the media!

Things I learned about men from an issue of Cosmopolitan

My mother-in-law was here last week, and she brought with her the June 2006 issue of Cosmopolitan. I told her to leave it here so I could look through it and see what they say about men, because it's always interesting to see what women think about men. You can believe me or not, by the way, about that story - I know some of you will think I subscribe to such a fine publication!

On page 70, ladies can find out how to tell if a guy is looking for love or just sex. These signs are accompanied, of course, by pictures of shirtless guys. Here's one: A half-smile means he's looking for sex. Also, a long, piercing gaze, even though you might think he's smitten, is unnatural, and it means he's trying real hard to seduce you. Meanwhile, if he laughs easily or interlocks his hand with yours, he's looking for love. So there you go.

On page 76, we learn things to tell your man to, presumably, turn him on: you occasionally go without underwear; you have sexual fantasies; you have looked at porn; you, um, pleasure yourself. Do women really need to be told that men enjoy hearing all four of those things?

Page 136 gives us erotic water positions. I'm not even going into those!

Apparently, men hate to talk and like to have sex. So on page 140, we get the secrets to really understanding each other. When you're on a long trip and your man doesn't want to talk, women should learn to just shut up (hey, I'm only writing their advice, although they say it more nicely). Of course, according to Cosmo, if you have something really important to say, it's a good time, because men feel more comfortable talking side to side rather than face to face. But don't push him! Most of this article is about how men don't like to talk. Strange.

On page 152, we get annoying traits of men and how to turn them into a positive. Most of them are fine, but one of them made me laugh: He doesn't make a lot of dough. What an annoying "trait." The answer, surprisingly, isn't "try to be less shallow."

Page 156 gives women advice on how to turn a "friend" into a "boyfriend." As someone who had big problems approaching women in high school and therefore accumulated a lot of female friends but few girlfriends (I was the "good listener"), this one is easy: tell him you want to jump his bones. That should work.

All of this advice is bizarre, not because it's necessarily wrong, but a lot of it seems to imply that men will never change and that women need to adapt to make a relationship work. They don't say so in so many words, but that's the implication. I always tell Krys that women's magazines are some of the worst perpetuators of stereotypes about women around, and Cosmo seems to be the leader in that regard. But I guess if changing your personality gets you a man, then all is right with the world. Right?

So, ladies, heed Cosmo's advice. It will lead to sexual and romantic fulfillment. And don't even consider asking your man to change. That's just foolish.