What have we learned - Week 3

Will there be cheesecake in this post? Don't be surprised if there is!

Eagles 34, Chiefs 14. Well, if you have a bad game, make sure you follow it up with a game against Kansas City! This was a shockingly easy game, as Kevin Kolb carved up the Chiefs, the defense stymied Matt Cassel and his crew, and the Eagles cruised. I was never sure why Kolb was getting bashed in the media after his poor performance against Baltimore last year and in the first game this year. After a week of practicing with the first team, he's put up 391- and 327-yard passing games consecutively. He looks very confident and he's standing in and taking the heat well. Plus, LeSean McCoy looked really good, and it makes the continuing drama over Brian Westbrook's health less traumatic. McCoy seems to hit the hole faster than Westbrook does, which is nice. All of this, of course, is mitigated by the fact that it was, after all, the Chiefs, but still - a nice win that they kind of needed. They get a bye, and then they get Tampa at home, Oakland on the road, and Washington on the road before they get the Giants and Cowboys at home. Those are all winnable games.

Lions 19, Washington 14. Surprisingly, the world didn't end at about ten minutes after four this afternoon, when the Detroit Lions won a football game. I actually watched quite a bit of this game, because it was fairly entertaining. A lot of people called this one, which only shows how very awful Washington is. And they looked terrible - for the second straight week, they struggled against what ought to be an inferior opponent, but maybe isn't. Matthew Stafford looked pretty good, and it's looking like Detroit made a good pick with him. I have a feeling Jim Zorn won't be long for this coaching world, as his owner is notoriously short-tempered when it comes to his coaches.



Packers 36, Rams 17. My friend who loves Marc Bulger was a bit grumpy about this game. First, Bulger gets hurt because God forbid the Rams provide him with any protection. Then, Kyle Boller comes in a chucks a couple of quick touchdowns, bringing the Rams back. Ultimately, they lost convincingly, but now the quarterback controversy begins, and my friend isn't happy about it, because Bulger is obviously much better than Boller is. The fact that Bulger toils for a horrible team is sad until you realize that he signed a long-term contract with St. Louis. But it's still kind of a shame that he could be doing much better if the Rams weren't such a dysfunctional organization. Meanwhile, Aaron Rogers continues to make Packer fans forget that other dude they had. Yes, he had a good day today, but long-term, Rogers is the man.

Vikings 27, 49ers 24. Speaking of R. C. Favre, the canonization continues, even though he had less to do with Minnesota's victory than you might think. First, Percy Harvin returned a kickoff for a touchdown, which was huge. Then, the final touchdown was much more Greg Lewis's effort than Favre's pass. San Francisco didn't get much pressure on him, so the fact that he "got away from it" isn't that big a deal (yes, he sidestepped a tackler, but 99% of quarterbacks who've ever played in the NFL could have done that). He had to throw it into the end zone, and he simply hurled it as far as he could. Lewis made a tremendous catch on a pass that just happened to come near him - it wasn't like R. C. found him as he broke open, because Lewis was blanketed. So let's hold off on re-anointing R. C., shall we? It's a good win for the Vikings, but for most of the game, they were winning despite their quarterback, not because of him. And remember that Frank Gore was injured early on, and San Francisco still should have won the game!

Patriots 26, Falcons 10. I watched very little of this game, so I don't know what we learned from it. Maybe we shouldn't count New England dead yet? Maybe we shouldn't proclaim Atlanta as a Super Bowl favorite? Beats me.



Jets 24, Titans 17. This was a pretty exciting game, with New York scoring early and late while Tennessee dominated the middle. It's always nice to see the old-school uniforms (especially the refs'), and on Lendale White's second-quarter touchdown run, the Jets grabbed him by the jersey and pulled, and as he was wearing a Houston Oilers shirt, it looked scarily like Earl Campbell breaking free. I started cheering, "Tear it!" even though they don't tear anymore. But it was pretty cool. The Jets sure look for real, I tell you that much.

Giants 24, Buccaneers 0. Here's another game I skipped completely, because there wasn't going to be much drama, and it turned out there wasn't much drama at all. New York, just like last year, looks like the class of the NFC, but we'll see how that plays out in January, won't we? New York was playing without a couple of their defensive lineman and Tampa still got five (5) first downs (!) and 86 (!) total yards. Yucky.

Ravens 34, Browns 3. Here's one reason why the Browns suck: Trailing 27-0 on the road, on the first play of the fourth quarter, Eric Mangini kicked a field goal. A FIELD GOAL! Why didn't he just pull his team off the field and forfeit? I mean, it's not likely you're going to 27 points in a quarter against Baltimore, but still. It was a 29-yard field goal, too, meaning the Browns had the ball at the 11 or so. Fortune favors the bold, Mangenius! Even if you don't score, that sets the tone for the rest of the season and shows your team that you expect them to step up. Mangini was playing for a tiny goal - not getting shut out. He should have realized the game was lost, and set up a bigger goal - suck it up, Browns players, and stick that damned ball in the end zone! But now you're 0-3, Cleveland, but worse, you have no hope. Good job. Oh, and Joe Flacco is getting scary good.

Jaguars 31, Texans 24. Hey, remember when Houston was a trendy playoff pick? They should stop losing to teams like Jacksonville at home. I probably should have watched more of this game, because Maurice Jones-Drew had another excellent game, but the only thing I saw was Chris Jones's fumble into the end zone with two minutes left, which Jacksonville recovered and which killed Houston's hopes. The Texans are one of those teams with a lot of talent that just hasn't figured out how to stomp on teams that aren't as good as they are yet. Unless they do, they won't go far this season. We'll see.



Bears 25, Seahawks 19. So Jim Mora, Jr. is chucking his kicker under the bus after Olindo Mare missed two (somewhat long) field goals on a beautiful day in Seattle. You stay classy, Mora. I could have sworn winning and losing in football was a team effort. Maybe you shouldn't have worn jerseys that made you look like you were wearing pinnies in high school:

I figured they won the coin toss and took "shirts." I'm surprised Da Bears weren't "skins." Gadzooks.

Saints 27, Bills 7. I watched a lot of this game, until the Saints scored to make it 17-7, at which time it became clear the Bills had no offense to come back (they scored their only points on a fake field goal). It was a nice defensive effort and showed, once again, that no quarterback, even Drew Brees, is unbeatable - the Bills put him under a lot of pressure and knocked him around quite a bit. Terrell Owens didn't catch a pass for the first time in 185 games, and I watched a couple of pass plays called for him. On one deep route, he barely looked back for the ball, and when he did finally see it, he didn't even make an effort for it. I've never liked Owens too much (even when he played for the Eagles), but at least he always made an effort. He's only on a one-year contract, so presumably he's trying to play into a contract with a better team next year. He's not going to get it this way.

Bengals 23, Steelers 20. I guess I should have watched more of the late games, but Mia wanted to watch the Wiggles, and she's quite insistent! I don't know how Carson Palmer and Cincinnati won this game, but good for them! The two Super Bowl teams from last year are both 1-2. I think we expected it from the Cardinals, but not from the Steelers.

Broncos 23, Raiders 3. Oh, Oakland. You're so bad. The good news: JaMarcus Russell completed over half his passes! The bad news: His 12 completions went for 61 yards. Blech. I was listening to the radio this morning, and Colin Cowherd and Trent Dilfer were pooh-poohing Denver's 3-0 record. Of course they got hate mail, but they have a point: They've beaten Cincinnati (on a miracle play), Cleveland (who's terrible), and Oakland (who's very terrible). It's nice that they're 3-0, but let's not start printing playoff tickets yet.

Chargers 23, Dolphins 13. Philip Rivers throws a nice deep ball, I'll tell you that much. His completions in the second half: 47 yards, 19 yards, 55 yards, 15 yards, 14 yards, and the two long passes were real purty. Of course, CBS kept showing scenes of San Diego, which made me think: If you lived in San Diego, why would you waste your afternoon attending a football game? Dang, that's a nice city. And Chad Pennington is out for the season. Miami's season last year is looking more and more like a mirage.



Colts 31, Cardinals 10. Some radio guys in town were predicting a Cardinals win on Friday, mainly because they thought Kurt Warner could keep up with Peyton Manning. They failed to realize that you don't beat the Colts by keeping up with Manning, you beat the Colts by not letting Manning on the field. Miami almost did it, but they didn't have the offensive firepower to finish the deal. Arizona needed long, sustained drives capped off by touchdowns, and then they turned the ball over twice inside the Colts' 10-yard line. They didn't need to get in a shootout with Manning, because Manning loves that. And the Cardinals gave up way too early on the run game, probably because they wanted to get in a shootout. Just a bad game plan all around. Oh well. I figured Arizona would fall back to Earth this season, and they are. Of course, it's not like they were that great last year - they could still go 8-8 this year and it wouldn't that big a dropoff. They're still far too undisciplined to be a consistent winner.

I'd write about college football, but nobody knows nothing, so what would I have to say? I thought Penn State was way overrated, but I also didn't think they'd stink up the joint so badly on offense. I kept wanting them to score just one more touchdown, because Iowa's offense wasn't doing anything. When Daryll Clark threw the interception on the first drive of the second half, I told Krys, "They're going to lose." After that, it was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There just aren't any great teams in the country - the top three, Florida, Texas, and Alabama are close, but they're still beatable. Cal isn't ready for prime time, Miami got their swagger back without learning that those old Hurricane teams had the swagger because they were better than everyone, and LSU barely beat Mississippi State, for crying out loud. At this rate, it will be Cincinnati versus Boise State in the National Championship Game, and I think I might have to root for that, because maybe then the college presidents will get a playoff together, because no one will watch that game (sorry, Woody!, but it's true). Who knows what craziness will ensue this week? Will the Lions lose at Illinois? Will Arizona go to Washington and knock off the Huskies? Will Cal beat USC now that the pressure is off? Will Michigan State get their heads out of their asses and beat Michigan? We'll see!

More body-painted young ladies here. It seems like a really uncomfortable way to show off your bod, but we appreciate the effort!

What have we learned - Week 1

Well, we learned that the Football Gods are fickle and cruel and are punishing the Eagles for signing Michael Vick. "You wanted Vick?" say the Football Gods. "Fine. We'll take away your other, better quarterback. Suck on it, Eagles fans!" Jesus.

Anyway, it's time for the NFL (college football, you may have noticed, started last week), and let's try to figure things out from one whole week of games. Jumping to conclusions is p-h-u-n! (One thing I don't say enough: Last week, while watching Penn State trounce Akron, I turned to my lovely wife and said, "Damn, I just love watching football!" I forget how much I love watching games when it goes away. Krys is certainly not a football widow; I turn games off all the time - next week I'm going to miss watching the Penn State game, for instance - but I really, really love watching football. Unless McNabb is gone for a long time. Watching Kevin Kolb run that offense was pretty painful.)

(And, to warn you, since these posts run pretty long with a lot of text, I've dropped in some random cheesecake pictures. Just a warning!)

Eagles 38, Panthers 10. When Carolina took the ball to begin the game and went 70 yards in 8 minutes to score a touchdown, I thought everyone's favorite team was in trouble. Luckily, the defense and special teams took some heat off the offense - in one 5-minute span in the second quarter, the Eagles scored 21 points and ran one (1) offensive play - and all went well ... until McNabb decided to score a touchdown in the third quarter and, while lying in the end zone, was hit by a late-entering defensive player and fractured a rib. The defender wasn't penalized, and I'm not sure he should have been, but he was late, and if McNabb misses significant time, I'll be really upset because it wasn't in the middle of a play. I certainly don't want players to pull up when they have a big lead, but it was 31-10 late in the third quarter, so couldn't McNabb have thrown it away and lived to play another day? Sheesh. (It was third down, so I get why he didn't, but a field goal works there, you know!) I wouldn't mind if they were playing a bad offensive team next week and could maybe survive with Kevin Kolb at QB, but they're playing the Saints, who just hung 45 points on Detroit (yes, it's Detroit, I know, but they're still good) and are firing on all cylinders. I hope the home crowd will inspire the defense and that Michael Vick can play in Week 3 and then the bye gives McNabb a chance to recover. As for Jake Delhomme - I've been saying for a few years that he's overrated, and boy howdy, is he proving me right. In his last game (the playoff loss to Arizona), he threw 5 interceptions and fumbled once. Today: 4 interceptions and 1 fumble. He's kind of like Brett Favre (God, I have to write about him for another freakin' year?) but less talented, and that gets him in deep trouble. Last year, it seemed Carolina didn't rely on him as much, and they were successful. Today, once the Eagles decided to play some run defense, they forced Delhomme to throw a lot, and we saw what happened. Seven turnovers (not all on Jake, of course, as he was benched) will cause you many, many problems.



Steelers 13, Titans 10. I know I should have watched this, because it featured "real-man" football, but I just couldn't be bothered. I will say that I don't understand the love for Ben Roethlisberger. Sure, he makes some plays, but usually there's a reason his team needs him to make a fourth-quarter comeback - because he's played lousy for three quarters and the team is either losing of playing down to the level of their competition. The defense saves that team way too much. Yes, I'm jealous that Big Ben has two Super Bowl rings. That doesn't change the fact that he's not that excellent. He's a top ten quarterback in the league, sure, but he's not top five.

Falcons 19, Dolphins 7. I watched exactly none of this game. Hey, Atlanta won! Good for them! The Dolphins will find out that last year's playoff run is a mirage, I think.



Broncos 12, Bengals 7. Woody! has to be dying inside after the events of this game. I turned it on at the perfect time - the last 30 seconds. Prior to that, it seemed like a snorefest, but a snorefest that it appeared Cincinnati had won when they scored a touchdown with 38 seconds left. Denver was backed up at its 13 and all hope seemed lost. Then Kyle Orton threw a pass to Brandon Marshall, who was covered by three defenders. If he catches it, he probably gets tackled in bounds and I don't think the Broncos could have gotten a few more plays off to get into field goal range. It's no guarantee that he would catch it, either. But one of the defenders in front of him leaps in the air and tips the ball. Unfortunately, he tips it straight up and in front of him a few feet, right into the arms of ... Brandon Stokely, receiver for the Broncos. As everyone appeared to be covering Marshall, there was no one between Stokely and the end zone, and he scored the winning touchdown with 11 seconds left. Man, what a way to lose. I don't think either of these teams has reason to be optimistic.



Vikings 34, Browns 20. Dear sweet Jebus, it's yet another year with Brett "Risen Christ" Favre on an NFL roster. I like how he said that his daughters told him that he should come back to get another Super Bowl ring. Yeah, right. His daughters are probably saying to him, "Hey, are you really my daddy? Because when you're gone for six months out of the year, Mommy hangs out with the landscaper a lot." The nice thing is that there seems to be a bit of backlash against R. C., mainly because of that crackback block he laid on that dude in the preseason game. I'm sure the media will quickly revert to worshipful form, but it was nice them get their heads out of their asses for a bit. Anyway, R. C. is supposed to lead this immensely talented Minnesota team to the Promised Land (that would be just like the Risen Christ, wouldn't it?), but the Vikings are classic underachievers (people claim the Eagles are underachievers, but at least they get to NFC Championship Games and the occasional Super Bowl) and there's no reason to think this year will be any different, especially once R. C. starts seething with jealousy over the attention paid to Adrian Peterson and begins to hurl the ball around like it was 1996. And he will. Peterson, meanwhile, put up typically monster numbers against a completely overmatched Cleveland team. Good job, Adrian - let's see you do that in the playoffs. Speaking of the Browns ... well, maybe we shouldn't. Thanks for playing, Cleveland - better luck next year!



Colts 14, Jaguars 12. I watched one play in this game. Nothing to say, really. It was closer than I would have expected, because I don't think Jacksonville is very good, but maybe the Colts aren't as good we think either. Who knows.

Saints 45, Lions 27. Man, whenever I looked up, Drew Brees had thrown another touchdown pass. Sure, it was against Detroit (I think they're at 18 losses in a row now), but that's still impressive. Next week they invade Philadelphia, and I fear for that game now that McNabb is (probably) out. Of course, any hope New Orleans has a postseason glory rested in their defense, and allowing Detroit 27 points (granted, one touchdown was a fumble recovery) isn't that great. Matthew Stafford got picked three times, but turnovers are largely luck, so I wouldn't hang my hat on that. Detroit was anemic offensively, but they did manage to move it a little bit (thanks to three Saints turnovers), so if the Saints play a team that can play a little defense (like the Eagles), they might be trouble. Still, New Orleans is fun to watch. And they'll probably be right there with Atlanta at the end of the year for the division, because Carolina and Tampa won't be.



Cowboys 34, Buccaneers 21. Right before Tony Romo unloaded an 80-yard touchdown pass that iced the game, the announcers said something to the effect that if you didn't look at the score, you'd think Tampa was winning the game, because they were outplaying the 'Boys. Not 30 seconds later, Romo chucked his backbreaker. I don't think Dallas is going to be very good this year, but they do have big-play capability, which can cover up a lot of flaws. They got three touchdown passes of 42, 66, and 80 yards, which accounted for 188 of Romo's 353 yards - or 53% of his total, in 3 completions. Tampa gained almost as much as Dallas, but couldn't get a play or two that gained big yards, so they couldn't keep up with the scoring. Of course, a team that doesn't give up big plays will pummel Dallas. I'm not a huge fan of Carnell Williams, but it was pretty cool to see him run well for Tampa after two years of recovering from injuries. Gruden ran him waaaaay too much in his rookie year - fans are probably hoping the new coach doesn't make the same mistake.



Ravens 38, Chiefs 24. I guess I should have watched some of this game, because it seems it was pretty entertaining. But I didn't. How impressive is Joe Flacco? Man, if Baltimore's offense plays like that all the time, they could be scary good.

Jets 24, Texans 7. Hey, remember the good old days of, say, Saturday, when all the "experts" had Houston as a sexy playoff pick? And how they were starting the season at home against a rookie quarterback, so it would be easy for them to go 1-0? Yeah, well, Mark Sanchez showed the experts, didn't he? He looked fairly impressive, I'd say. I'm not sure why a lot of people like the Texans. I've never been impressed with them, even when they win. Maybe they'll win someday, but not this year. And Sanchez will come back to earth, I think. Or maybe he's just that good.

Giants 23, Washington 17. New York is good. Washington is not. 'Nuff said.



49ers 20, Cardinals 16. Talk radio folk here in the Basin are living in a dream world, where Arizona didn't barely make the playoffs and just happened to get hot at the right time and instead went 14-2 for the fifth straight year and are shoe-ins to win the NFC West again. Last year they barely escaped one game against San Francisco, and this year they couldn't escape. They were the same old Cardinals - committing 12 (!) penalties and turning the ball over twice. Their defense played fairly well until it really mattered, and then San Francisco, with no help from Frank Gore, drove 80 yards in something like 7 minutes to score the game-winning touchdown. Good job, Cardinals! San Francisco isn't any good, either, but at least they're hungry. Arizona has acted all off-season like a 9-7 record gives them the division this year by default. Um, not quite. I will say that Adrian Wilson was penalized for hitting Vernon Davis under the new rules about not hitting "defenseless receivers." I didn't see the hit, but if the NFL continues "protecting" all the offensive players, why not just make it flag football? Apparently Wilson's hit was perfectly legal under the old rules, and he didn't lead with his helmet and he didn't hit Davis in the head. He hit him in the chest with his shoulder, but because Davis wasn't looking, he was "defenseless." Maybe if I see the hit I'll feel differently, but this is a bit ridiculous. Come on, NFL! Let them play!



Seahawks 28, Rams 0. Man, St. Louis is lousy. Really lousy. When your best offensive weapon is your punter, that ain't good. Seattle looks like they're back, as long as Hasselbeck doesn't get hurt. Of course, it's fairly easy to look good against the Rams.

Packers 21, Da Bears 15. Man, it sucks to be Brian Urlacher today - gone for the season. It seems like, from what I saw of the game, Da Bears played a lot better than the Pack, but of course, it comes down to turnovers, and Jay Cutler kept throwing interceptions. Cutler is just not a great quarterback - he's fool's gold, I tells ya! Chicago will probably still be pretty good, but they're not going far in the playoffs if they even make it. And it looks like it's Green Bay's division to lose. Now that R. C. Favre is gone, I no longer hate the Pack, so that's cool with me.



Over in college football, Penn State was on cruise control for the second straight week in dominating Syracuse. I'm not convinced they're the fifth-best team in the country, but they haven't played very well at all and they've still cruised. And they won't be tested next week against Temple, for crying out loud. The other "good" team in the Big Eleven, Ohio State, played amazingly conservatively at home against USC, which is never a good idea, and they lost late. Fortune favors the bold, Jim Tressel! Ohio State played better than the Trojans for 50 minutes, but couldn't put them away. I was rooting for Michigan against Notre Dame, because I don't hate Michigan as much as Notre Dame, and I always want the Big Eleven to win those high-profile games. I still don't think the Wolverines are all that great, but I think this game may have killed Charlie Weis. Houston beat Oklahoma State in Stillwater, but do we hear how lousy the Big XII is? UCLA beat Tennessee in Knoxville, but do we hear how lousy the SEC is? I just get tired of the Big Eleven bashing. Yes, Michigan State should have beat Central Michigan, but CMU is a pretty good team. It's just annoying that everyone bashes the Big Eleven, even if the conference often deserves it. The way parity has come into college football, there are very teams that are completely easy wins. And Florida schedules all of them!

So that's the week. Not a bad one in football world, in terms of entertainment. Your opinion may vary based on how your team did, but the games in which I had no stake were pretty entertaining. We'll just see if Kevin Kolb can actually play next week! Yay!

(I got the image from here, where they have 101 attractive and probably faux redheads. Just in case you were wondering.)

Someone is going to hell ...

Wandering the Internet, I found this:

I'd like to think Jesus wouldn't mind someone dressing like that. Of course, who knows what she did next. Oh, Jesus, avert your eyes!!!!

Why I ignore the news

I've been trying to keep my anger about certain things off the blog, because once I've gone over what makes me angry and what makes me happy, it's kind of pointless to keep bringing it up, right? Plus, it's not like I ignore the news, I just wish I could sometime. This week, unfortunately, has been kind of annoying.

1. Why are so many people more bent out of shape by the administration releasing memos acknowledging that we tortured than by the torture itself? I was arguing with Mia's PT this week about this (he's relatively conservative). He made the very good point that if Obama wants to release all the information that says we tortured, then he should be willing to release all the information that indicates what information we actually extracted from those we tortured. It's ironic that Chaney and Rove, the Masters of Misinformation, are calling for exactly that, probably so they can cover their asses by claiming that at least we thwarted some plots. That's perfectly reasonable. It still doesn't explain why conservatives, who claim to be for "freedom" and not necessarily "equality," don't think it's reprehensible that we did this. As I pointed out to Mia's PT, the hard core Al Qaida types have goals that are so beyond the realm of reality (like remaking the entire planet as a backward-looking Caliphate) that they don't really care if they get tortured. All it does, ultimately, is make our so-called ideals look foolish. Mia's PT pointed out that we had Founders who believed in the freedom of individuals, which is a good thing, because most people today would trade freedom for security in a heartbeat. At least we could have the guts to admit it.

2. Why was there such a kerfuffle over Miss California's answer to the question about gay marriage? The last time I checked, we had something in this country called freedom of speech, so why are people jumping all over her for answering something truthfully? From what I've read about it, Ms. Prejean didn't say she wanted to slaughter all homosexuals or that they are an abomination or they should be rounded up and kept in camps, she simply said that she believes marriage should be between a man and a woman. The pageant people foolishly let out that it was the reason she didn't win, which is idiotic, as it's a beauty pageant. You can think Ms. Prejean was misguided all you want, but she doesn't make policy, so who cares what she thinks? Why is no one bagging on Perez Hilton, who asked a person who attends San Diego Christian College such a loaded question?

Ms. Prejean, by the way, is a wholesome young lady who happens to like posing in bikinis:













Let's not hold that against her!

3. Recently in Arizona there's been a huge debate over speed cameras, which snap photographs of speeding cars. People have reacted antagonistically, leading to several people (including me) to think, "Maybe you shouldn't speed." Mia's PT, ironically (or perhaps not) enough, believes the speed cameras are a violation of the law because the tickets are not given by a lawfully appointed officer, but that's neither here nor there. Obviously they're in place to collect money for the state, and with the state in the financial difficulties it's in, I don't have a big problem with what is essentially a tax on people who speed. Some people have taken axes to the cameras and placed Post-It notes over the aperture in protest, but earlier this week, some dude pulled up next to an officer who was checking the cameras and shot him three times, killing him. As horrible as that is, people on the Arizona Republic's web site defended the killing, wondering why they should feel bad for some fascist. These are, presumably, the same people who want to round up every swarthy person and ship them to Guatemala when one illegal immigrant kills a cop, but they were defending some guy murdering someone in cold blood just because they might have to pay $200 for going 77 mph in a 65 mph-zone. I know the Internet is all about the freedom of anonymity, but that still disgusts me. It's one of the reasons why I am so open about everything on the Internet. I will never register for a web site under a pseudonym. You know who I am! The murder saddens me, but the reaction of some disgusts me.

4. Not really newsworthy, but we had our first 100-degree (Fahrenheit) day here on Tuesday. GOOD FUCKING TIMES!!!! Of course, the only thing that makes summer bearable, the pool, isn't quite warm enough to swim in. But it's getting there! So for now, I'm trapped in the house until the temperature falls (which it's supposed to do this weekend). 102 degrees in April. People wonder why I hate it here.

A "sporting" event we can all enjoy!

The US Pole Dancing Championship was held this past weekend. Yes, you read that right.

I'm fairly sure I've mentioned that pole dancing has become a "sport" and that in some countries (Australia, for instance, but as that was founded by deviants, I don't know if it counts) you can sign your children up for pole dancing lessons. Well, in "sports," you have to have a championship, right? Oh, wait a minute - don't read that line, Division 1 college football.

Wherever there's a "sport," Sports Illustrated is there! Here's their report.

While most sports fans eagerly awaited the NCAA Tournament bracket on Sunday, I headed over to the Bleeker Street Theatre in New York City for a very different sort of Selection Sunday.

The US Pole Dance Federation, better known to acronym lovers as the USPDF, was hosting the first annual US Pole Dance Championship. Twelve female contestants, chosen from more than 50 applicants, would be competing for the honor of representing the United States at Miss Pole Dance Australia 2009 [See? Deviants.] and for a spot on the cover of next month's Pole2Pole Magazine.

Pole2Pole Magazine? That can't exist, can it? Oh, wait, of course it can.

The dress code from the USPDF rulebook states, "No nudity, no G-strings or thongs. Violation of this requirement leads to immediate disqualification."

And yet it's still popular??????

As contestant Denise Brown a happily married mother of two from Tennessee said, "We are not strippers and it is not a stripper pole unless someone is taking off their clothes. Sure, a form of pole dancing is exotic, but that's not all there is to it. Pole dancing is really about fitness, athleticism and artistic design."

Yep, that's what it's about.

"It is certainly a great workout," said Carmit Bachar, one of the three judges and an original member of The Pussycat Dolls. "But there is a performance aspect to pole dancing as well and that involves sexy."

You know you're a legitimate "sport" when an original member of the Pussycat Dolls is judging you! No knock-offs for this competition!

The favorite entering Sunday's championship, at least according to the contestants, seemed to be Jenyne Butterfly, a petite blonde from Eastern Washington. Despite her diminutive stature, Butterfly had already won pole dance competitions across the nation, including the highly regarded Pole-a-palooza in Las Vegas, which she has won three years in a row.

If you aren't strippers, you should probably drop the stripper names. If Joe and Jane Butterfly are the proud parents, well, I apologize.

But a younger generation of pole dancers hoped to clip Butterfly's wings. Alethea Austin, a photographer from Los Angeles, and Sarah Cretul, a paranormal investigator who lives in Florida, each had the aerial skills and pole prowess to overtake Butterfly.

Pole dancing: For when paranormal investigating isn't fulfilling enough! (I looked her up at the official site, and she's only 21, so maybe she hasn't quite gotten the hang of ghost hunting yet.)

In the second round, the competition heated up. Cretul, the little-known newcomer, dazzled the crowed with a sequence of aerial moves while hanging five feet off the ground. Never one to be shown up, Austin then took the stage and, with Guns N' Roses blasting from the speakers, blew the crowd away with a passionate performance that utilized the entire pole and all 640 muscles in her body.

But catching a butterfly is a tricky task. The favorite took the stage as the night's second to last performance and showed why she truly is "The Pole Queen." Dressed in a white two-piece outfit and veil, Butterfly lived up to her name. She defied gravity. At times, one arm supported the entire weight of her outstretched body. Her moves were elegant, her transitions seamless. By the time Butterfly capped off her performance with her signature "flag move" -- think of her as the flag on a flagpole -- the capacity crowd was on its feet.

And while the judges took 10 minutes to give the appearance of a formal debate, everyone knew the winner had already been decided. Jenyne Butterfly was the 2009 US Pole Dance Champion.

Yay, Jenyne!

In case you're interested in more, you can always check out the US Pole Dance official web site. It might not be safe for work, although everyone keeps their clothing on.

You know, it's great that these ladies are doing something they like, keeping fit, and competing for something. I still think that this is playing into the hands of men, who like to watch women dance with hardly any clothing on and have convinced women that it's "empowering." But if the women like it, more power to them. The woman who won "Miss Sexy," Alethea Austin, teaches pole dancing at this gym, where you can watch some videos like this one (again, this might not be safe for work, although there's no nudity):



So all's right in the world - we have a new pole dancing champion, and life is good! I wonder if Krys would mind if I installed a stripper pole in our living room ...

Lumberjack cuties!

A few days ago, the few all-sports blogs I read all ran with this story:

Beauty pageant contestants are also members of the University of New Hampshire woodsmen team.

Christiann and Arielle Unger, 21 and 18 respectively, chop wood and compete in pageants. Christiann has actually won one. Of course, there's a picture:



That's Arielle on the left. I'm not sure which is more awesome: the fact that the sisters are beauty pageant contestants who also chop wood, or that the University of New Hampshire has a woodsmen team. That means they compete with other universities that also have woodsmen teams.

And, of course, you might not want to dump one of these ladies in a bad break-up. You just know they'll come after you with an ax!

Let's skim through the news!

Items that have caught my eye recently:

The city of Birmingham (England) has decided to drop apostrophes from all its street signs.

Sigh. Just another assault on correct grammar, this time sanctioned by the government. Look, I'm a grammar and spelling enthusiast. I hate listening to people on the television and radio using poor grammar, because as much as I try not to judge, I always think they sound stupid. I'm also aware that grammar and spelling are largely fluid things, changing throughout the centuries. I get it. The reason this sucks, however, is that people are just giving up trying to learn things. Grammar and spelling aren't that difficult to learn, yet people just want to give up, and now it's gone up to the city council. It's part of the entire "dumbing-down" of life in general. Some choice quotes from the article:

Councilor Martin Mullaney, who heads the city's transport scrutiny committee, said he decided to act after yet another interminable debate into whether "Kings Heath," a Birmingham suburb, should be rewritten with an apostrophe.

"I had to make a final decision on this," he said Friday. "We keep debating apostrophes in meetings and we have other things to do."

It's not a debate. It's a rule. Yes, there needs to be an apostrophe. End of debate.

Mullaney hopes to stop public campaigns to restore the apostrophe that would tell passers-by that "Kings Heath" was once owned by the monarchy.

"Apostrophes denote possessions that are no longer accurate, and are not needed," he said. "More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it."

See? Idiots rule. "Waaah, waaah, I don't know how to find things because I'm so stupid!"

Mullaney claimed apostrophes confuse GPS units, including those used by emergency services. But Jenny Hodge, a spokeswoman for satellite navigation equipment manufacturer TomTom, said most users of their systems navigate through Britain's sometime confusing streets by entering a postal code rather than a street address.

She said that if someone preferred to use a street name - with or without an apostrophe - punctuation wouldn't be an issue. By the time the first few letters of the street were entered, a list of matching choices would pop up and the user would choose the destination.

A test by The Associated Press backed this up. In a search for London street St. Mary's Road, the name popped up before the apostrophe had to be entered.

British grammarians have railed for decades against storekeepers' signs advertising the sale of "apple's and pear's," or pubs offering "chip's and pea's."

I always like how people who want to get rid of apostrophes use them incorrectly all the time. If you never use them, fine. But to use them incorrectly and then bitch when people want to use them correctly? Shut up.

Okay, let's move on, staying on that side of the pond!

Britain's Royal Opera plans a show based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith.

Oh dear. Of course, there's been an opera about Jerry Springer, so why not Anna Nicole Smith? She started as a stripper, posed for Playboy, was the Playmate of the Year, married an octogenarian oil tycoon for his money, got embroiled in a law suit when he died and his family contested her portion, had a screwed-up later life, endured her son's death, and then died of a drug overdose. It's classic opera stuff! And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Come on, just because some operas are 100-200 years old doesn't mean they're not pretty lurid. Good on you, Royal Opera!


Anna Nicole Smith: Too buxom to live!

More news from England: He's 13. He scarcely looks 10. And according to a British tabloid, he's a father. Baby-faced and only 4 feet tall, the boy, Alfie, was just 12 when he impregnated Chantelle, now 15, The Sun reported Friday.

Oh dear. Oh my dear Lord.

Asked what he would do to support the child financially, Alfie asks in a small, high-pitched voice, "What's financially?"

Oh Jesus.

The Sun did not say whether any tests were conducted to prove the boy's paternity. The paper did not offer any immediate comment when asked whether it had paid the family for the story.

Police and child services in Eastbourne, in southeast England, said in a statement that they were "aware of a 14-year-old girl that had become pregnant as the result of a relationship with a 12-year-old boy," adding that they were offering support to both young people.

"Support." With our tax dollars! Or, I guess, pounds.

Alfie's front page picture has sparked renewed debate about teen pregnancy in Britain. The country has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in Europe, and government figures show that about 39,000 girls under age 18 became pregnant in 2006. More than 7,000 of those girls were younger than 16.

That's sad. Not as bad as the U.S., though!

Britain had 27 births per 1,000 women aged 15-19 between 2000 and 2005, according to a report published by Population Action International. Comparable figures are 10 per 1,000 for Spain, 8 in 1,000 for France, and 5 in 1,000 for The Netherlands.

Britain's teen pregnancy rate, however, is still far below that of the United States, which registers 44 births per 1,000 women aged 15-19 and are more line with English-speaking countries such as Australia and New Zealand, which respectively have 17 and 27 births per 1,000 women between 15 and 19, according to the report.

U! S! A!

In a move last year to tackle the high teen pregnancy rate, British education officials announced they would start introducing sex education earlier in English schools. Beginning next year, children as in grades as low as kindergarten will be given basic sex education.

Tony Kerridge, of the sexual health group Marie Stopes International, praised the move, but local lawmaker Nigel Waterson said the pregnancy raised "huge questions" about whether British children were being educated about sex - at the expense of learning about healthy relationships.

Like the one between a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old? Yeah, those kind.

Chantelle and Alfie have reportedly pledged to raise the child as best they can.

"We know we made a mistake but I wouldn't change it now," Chantelle was quoted by The Sun as saying.

Alfie's father, Dennis - who reportedly has nine children - said his son told him it was the first time he had sex. He was reportedly allowed to sleep over at the girl's house.

At least we can't blame the parents!

"I will talk to him again and it will be the birds and bees talk," he said. "Some may say it's too late but he needs to understand so there is not another baby."

Yeah, good luck with that, Pops.

All right, let's move on to the United States! Things do happen here, you know!

Churches are beginning to accept evolution.

After a lifetime in the church, the Rev. William L. Rhines Jr. lately has started to question one of the Bible's fundamental teachings, that God created man. It's an especially touchy topic in his Wilmington, Del., congregation, where generations of black worshippers have leaned on faith to endure the indignities of racism.

But as the world marks the 200th birthday of evolution theorist Charles Darwin on Thursday, Rhines figures its time for even the most conservative congregations to come to terms with science.

Welcome to the 21st century, everyone!

"We're becoming more middle class, upper middle class, so we have more free time ... to ponder these eternal issues," said Rhines, who will encourage a discussion at Ezion-Mt. Carmel United Methodist Church.

I like that the implication is that low-class people are too dim to concern themselves with philosophical problems!

Participants say they're not abandoning the Bible's story of Adam and Eve. Rather, they want to blend theories in a way that helps today's faithful reconcile their modern world with Biblical teachings.

"We have to give God a lot more credit than we give him now - we need to give him the benefit of the doubt that his word includes evolution," said Mike Ghouse, president of the World Muslim Congress, a Dallas-based union of 3,000 Muslims that hosted its first ever Evolution Weekend discussion Friday.

God sure does deserve some credit, right?

Zimmerman argues the faithful can accept parts of creationism - the notion that a higher being created man whole - and evolution.

"Faith is related to one's belief system ... science, on the other hand, is in a different domain," said the Rev. Gerald Kersey, who planned a Sunday school lesson and discussion of Darwin's theories at Avondale Estates First Baptist Church in suburban Atlanta.

He blamed religious intolerance for causing many faithful to feel they must choose between science and the Bible.

"I'm presenting the idea that science or evolution is compatible with faith," he said.

The religious are never intolerant, are they?

Still, many Americans believe that God created man. A 2006 survey by the Pew Research Center's Forum on Religion and Public Life found 63 percent of Americans believed humans and other animals have either always existed in their present form or have evolved over time under the guidance of a supreme being.

That percentage is especially high among the nation's black churchgoers, who have been taught for generations to cope with everything from slavery to Jim Crow by using the Bible's teachings, Rhines said.

"We don't want to tamper with what grandma taught us - we've come this far by faith," Rhines said.

At one of the nation's oldest black churches, the First African Baptist Church in Savannah, Ga., the Rev. Thurmond Tillman doesn't oppose evolution.

But he argued black Americans have other social issues to address, and the faithful should focus on uniting mankind - not dividing his origins.

Well, that's a relief!

So, what else in the news? Nothing too important, I'm sure.

Happy Birthday to Zsa Zsa!

Yes, it's Zsa Zsa Gabor's birthday. She's 92. NINETY-TWO! Holy cow. Good job, Zsa Zsa. She's on Marriage #9, by the way, and it's actually lasted since 1986. Good job, Zsa Zsa! She may have lost $10 million recently in that Madoff thing. Oh, bad move, Zsa Zsa! Still, let's raise our glass to everyone's favorite Hungarian.

Bettie Page has died

She was 85 years old.

I saw this today at Tom's blog, where he has this TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK photograph for your perverted viewing pleasure. Perverts! I will simply post a much safer version:

Page had a rough life. Let's hope she has found some peace.

A few fun links while I'm still stewing about this weekend's football

I'll probably have something about football, but I'm just so grumpy about it. Until then, here's some fun links!

"Pornographic" snowboards? Why not? Okay, they're not really pornographic, but that doesn't mean uptight people can't call them that! Here's the original news story. Silly but fun!

Speaking of silly but fun, I'm sure many of you were unaware that a contest held last week in Paris crowned a man and a woman who had the world's best ... well, ass. Okay, it was called the "Best Bottom" contest, but we know it's all about the ass! Here and here are a few news stories about the huge event, and of course, there's a slideshow. Of course, if you don't want to click the link, I stole some pictures:



The guy is French, while the woman is Brazilian. Before you think, "Well, of course a Brazilian woman won!" last year's winner was Romanian. Eastern Europe represent! And I love that dude in the second picture. It's like it's the closest he's ever gotten to a woman's posterior and he's desperately trying not to drop the camera.

Finally, we get one of the spookiest photographs you will ever see:

What the crap is Ronald McDonald doing? Is he attempting some kind of mind control? The blog from where I snatched the photo has some theories.

Now I'm frightened and I need to go lie down. Brrrrr ...

Megan Fox needs to shut up

Megan Fox, whose sole contribution to the betterment of Western civilization is bending over the hood of a Camaro in Transformers, apparently is desperate to remain in the limelight even though she's, you know, not a very good actress. She has been interviewed by GQ magazine, in which she drops some knowledge. Allow me to quote, as slogging through the entire article might cause you to lose some IQ points or, at the very least, make you suicidal.

"Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided — oh man; sorry, Mommy! — that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time — I would go there by myself. I bought her things — perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I'd get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I'd give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration — like You can do it, you're better than this! I didn't want her to be there."

"Well, she did smell good. Like vanilla. She was sort of a tough badass, but she'd do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny."

"Look, I'm not a lesbian — I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands [WTF?!?!?!?]. She's mesmerizing. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but ... Oh boy."

Dear lord. Olivia Wilde is currently starring as "Thirteen" on House (where she's so well respected they never use her actual name), but you may have caught her on The O. C. (I never watched the show) or in the totally awesome horror movie Turistas. She's okay, I guess, but I never thought of her as particularly sexy:


As for Jenna Jameson ... well, the less said, the better. That's a link to her Wikipedia entry, and she looks rough. Years in the porn industry will do that too you, I guess.

Anyway, Megan Fox has a nice body and all, but she kind of has that vapid look on her face for most of Transformers and in photographs that isn't all that attractive. Plus, she should, you know, shut up. Way too much information, Megan. How about you concentrate on not taking the Jenna Jameson Career Path instead of letting us know all this stuff, okay? And keep rocking that Marilyn Monroe tat. You'll be fine.

What have we learned - Week 2

And lo, the Big Eleven sent their "best" team West, and verily I say unto you, that team was removed to behind yonder woodshed, where they were whupped. And then whupped again. And the Midwesterners did gnash their teeth and rend their garments in despair. And the Vested One did slink back to Columbus, whilst the victors basked in the Southern California sun and partied with blonde suntanned babes. Such is the way of life in the game of the oblong spheroid. Yea, we must accept it.

And so the latest "Game of the Century" played out rather predictably. I mean, even if they had played Chris Wells, did anyone think the Buckeyes would win this game? After the past two BCS "Championship" games? Everyone keeps bashing on the Big Eleven because they don't play speedy football like USC and the SEC teams, but I would love to see a bowl game in Columbus or Ann Arbor or Happy Valley in January. One of the reasons why Big Eleven teams don't build their teams that way is because of October and November games, when the weather negates speed a bit. Of course, USC was tougher than Ohio State, too, so there's that.

It's lucky that USC won, because the Pac-9 had a shitty weekend (USC, I think, now plays in the NFC West, so the conference ought to rename itself). Oregon won, but they had to come back furiously against a mediocre Purdue team (in Indiana, it should be noted, so you can say a road win is a road win). Oregon State won, but they played Hawaii at home. Washington absolutely stinks, and proved it against Oklahoma. UCLA scoured the junior high schools of Los Angeles and suited them up, because there's no way college kids lost 59-0 to BYU (I expected BYU to win, but come on!). Stanford lost. Arizona lost to New Freakin' Mexico. Cal inexplicably scheduled a game to start at noon on the East Coast, and by the time they woke up, Maryland had built a big enough cushion to hold on for a win. Tom wanted me to mention Cal last week, but I doubt he expected this. I assume the game was played so early because ESPN wanted it so, but I wish these West Coast teams would stand up and get a better TV deal (one with ESPN and not Fox, for instance) and then they wouldn't have to grovel for any ESPN television appearance, even if it puts them at a distinct disadvantage. To wrap up the day, Arizona State blew a ten-point lead in the second half and lost in overtime to UNLV. This was a weird game. ASU plays Georgia this Saturday, so they might have overlooked the Rebels. Dennis Erickson kept running the ball, which didn't work, and then, in OT and down by a field goal, he ran into the line twice for very little gain and then called a pass play that looked like it was designed for the QB to throw it out of the end zone. It was as if he assumed their kicker would get a field goal, but why not go for the touchdown? Plus, the kick was blocked. ASU is now out of the Top 25, which is a bit harsh, considering Ohio State is still ranked ahead of, for instance, Penn State.

Ah, the Nittany Lions. They went to Syracuse and destroyed the Orange 55-13, continuing their exhibition season. Next week they play Temple, which lost on a Hail Mary to Buffalo, of all teams. Poor Temple. If Penn State doesn't win this game by 40, it will be an upset. Michigan got trounced by Notre Dame, a game I wanted both teams to lose, but all that means is that it will look that much worse for PSU when, on 18 October, the Wolverines beat them again. Wisconsin actually had some balls and went to California to play Pat Hill's Fresno State Bulldogs, and they managed to win. I just find it amusing that after USC made Ohio State cry for their mommies, ESPNers were saying that the Buckeyes will win the Big Eleven and all will be all right. Um, what? I'm not saying they won't win, but they have a tough road. Just assuming they're going to win it is kind of insulting to the other teams that didn't lose 35-3 and barely beat Ohio, is all I'm saying.

In other college news, Missouri is good, East Carolina almost believed the hype about their team, Middle Tennessee State completed a Hail Mary against Kentucky, but it was at about the 15-yard line, and the dude who caught it got tackled at the 1-yard line. So close! That has to suck. Auburn beat Mississippi State 3-2. I watched a few minutes of that game and almost died of boredom. Jesus, someone score a touchdown!

Onto the league where they play for pay:
Dallas 41, Philadelphia 37. I'm not terribly happy about the Monday Night game, despite the Eagles playing well. They drove it right down the field twice early and were forced to kick field goals. It was early in the game, but I was worried. You need to score touchdowns! Later, they were forced to kick another field goal. Yes, the Cowboys kicked two field goals, but they were long FGs, and the Cowboys weren't that close to the end zone. Then the Eagles got the ball back with almost 3 minutes left and dicked around. McNabb took two sacks on the final drive instead of running with the ball. You have a time out, the two-minute warning, and not a long way to go! The Eagles panicked, and that's the most frustrating thing. They were moving the ball up and down the field, and they could have thrown a screen pass to Westbrook or something else short, or even run the ball, but McNabb looked far downfield and took sacks. Damn. Still, the offense looked really good, and although the defense was crappy, they did get an interception and a touchdown on a fumble, so that was something. I'm glad they didn't get blown out, but this was frustrating. But if McNabb stays healthy, the rest of the league better watch out.
DeSean Jackson update! 6 catches, 110 yards, 2 punt returns for 12 yards, and one unbelievably idiotic play at the goal line, where he dropped the ball before actually scoring. Yes, this is a "run 'til you puke" situation (see below with Reggie Bush), and I hope Andy Reid actually glues the ball to his hands. I'll give him a tiny bit more leeway than Reggie Bush, because this is the first time he's done it in the pros, even though he did it college. Come on, DeSean, don't be an idiot!
Turnovers: Cowboys 2, Eagles 1. Turnovers = loss? Well, no, but the Eagles' turnover came at the worst time, in the fourth quarter, leading 37-34, driving for at least a field goal. Damn. 10-2.

Green Bay 48, Detroit 25. The Lions took a 25-24 lead with 7.41 left in the game after being behind 24-9. I turned the game off, thinking I'd come back in a minute or two to check out the score. When I turned it back on, the Packers had kicked a field goal to go up 27-25. I turned it off and when I turned it back on, the Packers had scored a touchdown. What the heck? When I turned it back on, it was 41-25 and the Lions had the ball back. I watched in amazement as Jon Kitna threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown, the second interception going the other way in a minute of game time. Holy crap! That's why you're the Detroit Lions. Sheesh.
Turnovers: Lions 3, Packers 1. Turnovers = loss? Well, two of the Detroit turnovers went for touchdowns for the Packers, so I'd say yes. 1-0.

Oakland 23, Kansas City 8. I didn't watch any of this game, but KC has to be the worst team in the league, don't they? I mean, the Rams have lost to two good teams and looked awful, but losing the Raiders and looking awful is really, well, awful. Larry Johnson is whining about playing time, and although I love LJ because he's a Nittany Lion, he should shut up - no one forced him to sign a big contract with the Chiefs! And who was playing quarterback for the Chiefs? That's right, Tyler Thigpen! Who doesn't love Tyler Thigpen? He's a Chanticleer!
Turnovers: Raiders 2, Chiefs 2. Turnovers = loss? It's a wash.

New York Giants 41, St. Louis 13. It was only 7-0 at the end of the first quarter, but the touchdown for the Giants was a pass to Plaxico Burress in the end zone where the closest Ram was about fifteen yards away. That pretty much summed up the game. By the fourth quarter, the G-Men just hammered the Rams, who have, amazingly, not run a play in the "red zone" - inside the other team's 20-yard line - in two games this season. Scott Linehan has to be fired soon, right?
Turnovers: Rams 1, Giants 0. Turnovers = loss? Well, not really, because the turnover was returned for a touchdown when the score was 27-13, but what the hell. 2-0.

Indianapolis 18, Minnesota 15. This was one of the more ridiculous games of the weekend. Minnesota dominated this game for almost three quarters. They knocked Peyton Manning around, they stuffed the Indy ground game, and they ran the ball well with Adrian Peterson. But they couldn't score a touchdown, and that was their downfall. You have to score touchdowns! Why didn't they score touchdowns? Because their quarterback sucks. I'm sorry, but it's true. Even Brad Childress, the coach of the Vikings, thinks he sucks. There were plenty of chances for Tarvaris Jackson to throw, and the Vikings ran the ball right up the middle. They didn't want Jackson to lose the game, in other words, but all that meant was that he did nothing to win it. I said this last week, and it's still true - you can't win in this league without a good quarterback. Tarvaris Jackson is not a good quarterback. And Dan Dierdorf is an idiot (although you should have already realized that). At one point, Adrian Peterson took a handoff and, about three yards behind the line of scrimmage, faced a defender who broke through the line. Peterson juked him and managed to gain about three yards. Dierdorf raved about the play, saying that's what makes Peterson special and that no other running backs can make that kind of play, turning a big loss into a decent gain. I thought, "Isn't that what running backs are supposed to do?" I mean, don't we see running backs doing that all the time, because running backs are good at making moves? Every Barry Sanders run started that way, and he often went 70 yards after making the guy miss. A good friend of mine said that Sanders often had to avoid getting tackled by his own linemen as well as the other team! A few minutes later, I turned on the Buffalo-Jacksonville game and Fred Taylor did the exact same thing. Good job, Dierdorf. Shut the hell up.
Turnovers: Colts 2, Vikings 1. Turnovers = loss? No, only because the Vikings are so inept on offense. 2-1.

Tennessee 24, Cincinnati 7. In honor of Woody!, I will henceforth refer to the Bengals as a "professional" team. The quote marks are important, I tell you! By the time I wanted to check this game out, it was already late and the Titans were beating them up, so I missed the wind storm. It looked kind of cool, though. If you haven't seen the windiness, it's quite fun. I suppose that Vince Young won't be getting his job back any time soon, because Penn Stater Kerry Collins stepped up and led the team to victory. As for Cincinnati ... the less said the better. They're not as bad as the Chiefs, but they're getting there!
Turnovers: Bengals 2, Titans 1. Turnovers = loss? Seems like it. 3-1.

Washington 29, New Orleans 24. Why is Reggie Bush so stupid? Remember two years ago, when he scored on a long pass against Da Bears in the NFC Championship Game and taunted them before he scored? And how Da Bears came back and won? I'm not saying that was the reason, but don't you think Da Bears had a bit of incentive after that? Well, on Sunday, Bush, a year and a half older, did it again! He scored on a punt return and pointed and waved at the Washington defenders. It made the score 24-15, Saints. The football gods promptly punished New Orleans, as they didn't score again and lost. Whenever an athlete does something idiotic, Krys and I have the solution: The coach should make him run until he pukes. Let's hope Reggie is doing some regurgitating this week. And damn, the NFC East looks good, doesn't it? I wonder if any of them will lose outside of their division.
Turnovers: Saints 3, Washington 1. Turnovers = loss? Well, yeah, but I think it was Reggie's stupid play. 4-1.

Carolina 20, Chicago 17. I watched very little of this game, because it wasn't really that interesting, but it was nice to see Jonathan Stewart, a rookie from Oregon, scoring two touchdowns, including the game-winner. A Devin Hester apparently has internal bleeding, which can't be fun. Chicago looks like they did two years ago when they went to the Super Bowl, but I wouldn't be happy if I were Chicago fans, because you really can't rely on blocked punts and interceptions to help you win games.
Turnovers: Da Bears 2, Panthers 1. Turnovers = loss? So it appears. 5-1.

Buffalo 20, Jacksonville 16. The Jaguars are having trouble running the ball, and that's why they're 0-2. Running and defense is fine, but when it comes down to it, you need a QB who can make a big throw, and David Gerrard doesn't seem to be that guy. I'm not saying he's a bad quarterback, but he doesn't have that ability, it appears. We'll see about Trent Edwards, but right now he looks decent. I will say that James Hardy, who caught the game-winning touchdown, is a good addition to the Bills. I saw him last year against Penn State for Indiana, and he torched the Lions. He's tall and has good hands. He was taken in the second round, 41st overall, but he could be seen as a steal down the line.
Turnovers: Jaguars 2, Bills 1. Turnovers = loss? Why not? 6-1.

San Francisco 33, Seattle 30. I'm honestly not sure how Seattle lost this game. Whenever I turned it on, the Seahawks were winning and seemingly do whatever they wanted. Patrick Willis's 86-yard interception return helped turn it around for the 49ers, but even late in the game, when Seattle's offense was playing poorly, the defense still seemed to be beating up poor J. T. O'Sullivan. Then, suddenly, the man with the olde-tyme name (seriously, J. T. O'Sullivan sounds like he should be lobbying Congress in the 1880s or something) put together two awkward but effective drives, and just like that, San Francisco had won. It was very strange. Seattle is circling the drain, unlike some other 0-2 teams. The only reason they might have hope is because they're playing the Rams this weekend. But given their performances in the first two weeks, they might not want to chalk this up in the 'W' column just yet!
Turnovers: Seahawks 3, 49ers 1. Turnovers = loss? Definitely. Hold onto the football, people! 7-1.

Tampa 24, Atlanta 9. This is another game I had no interest in, so I watched very little. I will say that Brian Griese looked pretty darned good in the highlights, and it looks like Jeff Garcia might be out of a job once more. At least he gets to go home at night to her:

Yes, I'm shamelessly posting pictures of cheesecake! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
Turnovers: Falcons 2, Buccaneers 1. Turnovers = loss? I suppose. 8-1.

New England 19, New York Jets 10. You know, I may not like R. C. Favre, but the man can throw a football decently. The Jets, presumably, also think he can throw a football, because they went out and got him. So why, when they have first and goal, trailing 6-0, do they run into the line three times and kick and field goal? Don't you want R. C. Favre to do what you got him for, which is run around in the backfield for 10 seconds, giving ground from the three to the 15, before launching a wounded duck 30 feet in the air, which three defenders will have a chance to intercept but won't, bobbling it around among them before it falls into the hands of your receiver, who just happened to be lying on the ground in the end zone? I mean, isn't that what you got him for? Sheesh. Meanwhile, I'm still not sold on Matt Cassel. He had a nice game, but come on - it's the Jets. R. C. Favre or not, it's still the Jets.
Turnovers: Jets 1, Cheaters 0. Turnovers = loss? Looks that way. 9-1.

Arizona 31, Miami 10. People here in the Basin are trying very hard not to get too giddy about the Cardinals' 2-0 record, because they haven't really beaten good teams (although San Francisco looks better this week than they did last week), but they're still doing what they need to, and that's beat the bad teams on their schedule before it gets really hard (up next: two games on the East Coast against Washington and the Jets, for which they will stay in the East instead of coming back here). The nice thing about this game is that they put their foot on the gas early and didn't let the Dolphins have any hope. Of course, because it's the Cardinals, their offensive game started this way: delay-of-game penalty (before they could run their first play, mind you), illegal formation penalty, and then, on 1st-and-20, a 79-yard touchdown to Anquan Boldin. That about sums up the Cardinals! Miami, meanwhile, continues to stink, and kicking a field goal in the third quarter when they were losing 24-0 is just a jerk move. I know they scored a touchdown later, but kicking a field goal there is just the coach being scared they'd get shut out. No guts, no glory indeed.
Turnovers: Dolphins 0, Cardinals 0. Turnovers = loss? It's a wash. I will point out that, although Arizona continues to commit stupid penalties (8 more on Sunday), they haven't turned the ball over so far this season. Hold onto the ball, people!

Pittsburgh 10, Cleveland 6. Yes, I skipped the entertaining afternoon game to go straight to the excruciating night game. Gadzooks, Cleveland is not good. Why are they on national television so much? I know they were flashy for a while last year, but they faded down the stretch (before the television schedule was made, remember) and didn't make the playoffs. Now they're stinking up the joint and making Madden even more incomprehensible than usual because he can't talk about the game. They should be CBS's fifth game with my grandma and Jim Fassel as the broadcasting duo. The Steelers have to go play the Eagles next week. That should be a pretty good game.
Turnovers: Browns 2, Steelers 0. Turnovers = loss? Sure! 10-1.

Denver 39, San Diego 38. This was a wildly entertaining game, but everyone's focusing on the end, which is fine. Until that point, it was a wildly entertaining game, and that one minute at the end didn't decide it. Denver put up 31 points in the first half, after all, so the San Diego defense should look in the mirror instead of whining about the refs. And for all the talk about how great Jay Cutler played, he threw an unbelievably stupid interception a few minutes earlier that led to the San Diego go-ahead touchdown. Cutler was driving the Broncos to a field goal or touchdown, but his choice to throw it into triple-coverage was horrible. Finally, the non-fumble was a joke, sure, but it was 3rd-and-goal from the 10, which is really hard to pick up. Plus, they ran the same exact play for the two-point conversion. Come on, San Diego, play some D! As for Norv Turner calling the ref's decision "unacceptable," I wonder if he called his defense unacceptable. Did he call his coaching unacceptable? People make mistakes, Norv! Sheesh.
Turnovers: Chargers 1, Broncos 1. Turnovers = loss? Doesn't matter.

There's another week. So far, teams that turn the ball over less than their opponents are 18-5. Let's check out the teams, their records, and their turnover margin:
Arizona: 0 turnovers, +5 margin, 2-0 record.
Pittsburgh: 1 turnover, +4 margin, 2-0 record.
Buffalo: 1 turnover, +3 margin, 2-0 record.
Green Bay: 1 turnover, +3 margin, 2-0 record.
Washington: 1 turnover, +3 margin, 1-1 record.
Tennessee: 3 turnovers, +2 margin, 2-0 record.
Denver: 1 turnover, +1 margin, 2-0 record.
Carolina: 2 turnovers, +1 margin, 2-0 record.
Philadelphia: 1 turnover, +1 margin, 1-1 record.
Tampa: 2 turnovers, +1 margin, 1-1 record.
Kansas City: 3 turnovers, +1 margin, 0-2 record.
New England: 2 turnovers, +0 margin, 2-0 record.
New York Giants: 1 turnover, +0 margin, 2-0 record.
Baltimore: 2 turnovers, +0 margin, 1-0 record.
Atlanta: 2 turnovers, +0 margin, 1-1 record.
Chicago: 2 turnovers, +0 margin, 1-1 record.
Miami: 1 turnover, +0 margin, 0-2 record.
Minnesota: 2 turnovers, +0 margin, 0-2 record.
San Diego: 2 turnovers, +0 margin, 0-2 record.
New York Jets: 2 turnovers, -1 margin, 1-1 record.
Oakland: 3 turnovers, -1 margin, 1-1 record.
St. Louis: 1 turnover, -1 margin, 0-2 record.
Cleveland: 2 turnovers, -1 margin, 0-2 record.
Cincinnati: 4 turnovers, -1 margin, 0-2 record.
Dallas: 3 turnovers, -2 margin, 2-0 record.
Indianapolis: 3 turnovers, -2 margin, 1-1 record.
New Orleans: 4 turnovers, -2 margin, 1-1 record.
Houston: 3 turnovers, -2 margin, 0-1 record.
Jacksonville: 5 turnovers, -2 record, 0-2 record.
San Francisco: 6 turnovers, -3 margin, 1-1 record.
Detroit: 4 turnovers, -3 margin, 0-2 record.
Seattle: 5 turnovers, -4 record, 0-2 record.

It's early in the year, but it's interesting to track this. The weird thing, of course, is that Dallas has 3 turnovers, a -2 margin, but a 2-0 record. Their offense is that good, but they should watch that.

Next week: More fun!