When I am killed in a grisly, horror-movie fashion, you'll know it's NOT an accident!

I am marked for death, apparently. Why, say you? Well, I have figured out that I am an ancillary character in a horror movie, in which my lovely wife is the star, or at least an important character. Therefore, I am expendable. I anticipate something gruesome happening to me any day now. Please do not accept the authorities' explanation that it was a "bizarre and totally accidental farm implement impalement." Because it won't be!

I'll explain. First, my sister-in-law. She recently bought a house in Locke, New York. It doesn't sound like an especially scary name, but it's a bit odd. She moved into a relatively rural house on Salt Road. Again, not terribly scary, but somewhat strange. Put them all together, though - Locke, Salt Road, rural house - and you have the makings of a fine horror movie. She and her husband moved in and discovered that the previous tenant was a woman who is a bit strange. They're not sure what is wrong with her, but they wonder if she's bipolar. There could be nothing wrong with her for all I know - this is all second-hand knowledge. But let's just assume she could suddenly go off the deep end, for the sake of argument. They also said they found lots of empty alcohol bottles when they moved in which hadn't been recycled yet. So there's that. The woman also claimed that zombies roamed the grounds, and she laid salt around the perimeter of the house to "ward off evil spirit." Fun! Plus, their neighbor is a beekeeper and makes his own honey and jams and such. There's nothing inherently sinister about beekeepers, but when we put it together with all the other stuff, it becomes slightly creepy. When Krys told me all this, I said that her sister was starring in a horror movie and that I hoped she didn't come to an awful end. I said we would be the ones who went to New York to pick up the pieces after the horrible events that ended her life, and we'd either be the people who get killed right as the screen goes black at the end of the movie (which is a standard horror cliché) or we'd be in the sequel, in which case I'm dead meat.

Then there's Krys's best friend, who was out here for a conference a few weeks ago. She was telling Krys about her haunted house. They have a dog, Milo. They got Milo at a shelter, and they wanted some information about him. Meanwhile, Milo made himself at home. They would put him in a cage in the basement when they went to work, because they didn't want him roaming around the house. She told Krys that when she came home, Milo would be sitting on the sofa in the living room, just hanging out. They decided to tie the cage gate closed and tie it to the base of the cage, which was attached to the floor. She came home and Milo was on the sofa, hanging out. She went into the basement and discovered that the gate was still tied as they had tied it in the morning. Meanwhile, a "psychic" who had visited their house when they bought it asked to perform some sort of exorcism because there were evil spirits in the house. Krys's friend declined, not wanting to stir anything up. And the shelter can't find any record of Milo. Plus, there's a paw print in the cement in the basement that looks about Milo's size. Of course, the cement was poured decades ago. Krys said her friend is expecting to find a photograph of the house from 1900 with Milo in it, not unlike Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Once again, we'll be ancillary characters in the movie. We'll visit the house at some point while we're visiting Pennsylvania, and because I'm not important (Krys is the best friend, so she might survive), I will be killed in gruesome fashion.

Finally, Krys came home the other day and said that some of the people she works with have visited a psychic and she expressed interest in going to see the woman. I told her she shouldn't, because it would be a Lumumba moment. She won't learn anything good, and she might unleash evil forces. Guess who they would come after first? Yeah, that's right.

I have often said I wouldn't be a good horror movie person because I simply don't care about strange noises in the attic. Krys would investigate; I wouldn't. My best friend Ken recited "Candyman" while looking in the mirror after seeing that movie. He would be a character in a horror movie, I'll tell you that much! Me? Not so much. However, I'm thinking that even if I wouldn't investigate the noise in the basement, the fact that I'm close to several people who would means that I will be brutally killed while they escape. That sucks.

So I'm warning you, good readers - if you happen across a news article in which my skinned corpse is found hanging from a flagpole with a spade up my rectum and the cops call it a "suicide," don't believe it! Investigate and avenge!!!!!