Delenda Est Carthago

Why not delve into a twisted mind? Thoughts on the world, history, politics, entertainment, comics, and why all shall call me master!

Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!


The Women of Jerry, Part 7

It's Part 7, but it's only Season Six! How does that work? It doesn't matter, let's check out the women in Mr. Seinfeld's life in 1994-95.

Episode One (87), "The Chaperone" (aired 22 September 1994). This begins the new era for Seinfeld, as George gets to work for the Yankees and Elaine finds a job with Mr Pitt. It's not a terrible episode, but it's not a great one. Miss Rhode Island, whom Jerry dates, is part of the problem - she's kind of dull. She's played by Marguerite MacIntyre, and this was her first role, according to IMDb. She doesn't do much, and she doesn't really look like a beauty pageant contestant - she's not ugly, but she doesn't look glamorous enough. Oh well. I'm going to give Ms. MacIntyre a Fame Rating of 5 out of 10, because she's worked pretty steadily since 1994, generally as a guest star. It looks like she has a starring role on Kyle XY, but since I don't watch that show, I don't know. Marguerite was 29 when this episode aired, which might be why she looks off as a contestant - she's too old. Jerry was 40. The ten-year age gap is in effect! Ironically, given what happens in the episode, MacIntyre has sung on Broadway. And it looks like she graduated from high school (in Scottsdale) when she was 14. Interesting.

Episode Two (88), "The Big Salad" (aired 29 September 1994). In this episode, George gets grumpy that his girlfriend gets a "thank-you" from Elaine that he feels he deserves, and Jerry dates a woman who was rejected by Newman. Newman!!! Naturally, this vexes him. Finally, the show parodies the O. J. murders when Kramer thinks he may have pushed his friend into a shooting, whom he then helps escape in a white Bronco. Marita Geraghty plays Margaret, Jerry's girlfriend, and I'm giving her a Fame Rating of 4 out of 10, because she's a career guest star, it appears. In fact, the only reason I'm not knocking her down one point is because she played Nancy in Groundhog Day, and because, according to Bill Murray, she makes sounds like a chipmunk when she gets really excited. I have no idea how old Ms. Geraghty is, because I can't find it anywhere. She was acting for a while before Seinfeld, so I have to think she was probably in her 30s when she appeared on the show. I could be wrong. Also, that's the best picture I could get. It's from Charmed.

Episode Three (89), "The Pledge Drive" (aired 6 October 1994). Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother and overdraws her account, Elaine can't tell the difference between the voice of a friend of hers and that woman's boyfriend (he's the "high talker"), and Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bar with a knife and fork. Jerry has no girlfriend, but Lisa Guerrero is in this episode, which is kind of interesting, considering she later posed nekkid.

Episode Four (90), "The Chinese Woman" (aired 13 October 1994). George sees his father with a cape, which leads to a patented Seinfeld conversation: "It's good cape weather." Kramer goes sans underwear ("I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!") because he's worried about his sperm count. Interestingly enough, he seems to get Noreen pregnant at the end of the episode, but we never hear anything else about it. Jerry dates Donna Chang, who's not Chinese, which leads to all sorts of trouble when she gives Estelle Costanza advice. This is a pretty good episode, as any that explore societal stereotypes are. Angela Dohrmann plays Donna, and although she's perfectly fine, I can't give her any higher than a Fame Rating of 3 out of 10. She didn't do anything much prior or after this episode, although she starred as Don Johnson's sister on several episodes of Nash Bridges. I can't find an age or a picture, but according to Wikipedia, she currently teaches at Dickinson College in Carlisle, PA. Hmmm.

Episode Five (91), "The Couch" (aired 27 October 1994). This is a pretty funny issue, as Elaine begins dating a delivery man and Kramer gets Poppie to help him with his make-your-own pizza restaurant. Unfortunately, the abortion issue comes up, which leads Elaine to conclude her boyfriend must be pro-choice, "because ... he's just so good-looking." George tries to bluff his way through a book club discussion of Breakfast at Tiffany's, but doesn't realize that "George Peppard" is gay in the book. Oh, and Poppie pees on Jerry's sofa. No girlfriend for our hero, though.

Episode Six (92), "The Gymnast" (aired 3 November 1994). George acts like a bum at inopportune time ("if it's adjacent to garbage, it's garbage") and Kramer has a kidney stone. Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt looks curiously like Hitler at a stock merger meeting. Jerry's girlfriend is Romanian gymnast Katya, whom he thinks will be crazy in bed, but disappoints him. She later tells him, "You may tell jokes, Mr. Seinfeld, but you are no comedian," in reference to a myth about a man called the Comedian who is likewise crazy in bed. Katya is played by Elina Löwensohn, who is actually Romanian. She wasn't bad, but a bit lacking in charisma (until her final put-down of Jerry, which is pretty darned good). I'm actually going to give her a Fame Rating of 5 out of 10, because even though she never became a big star, she showed up in Schindler's List, Dark Water, and she got a hug from Jude Law in a movie once. Not bad. Elina was 28 when this episode aired, and Jerry was 40. As Jerry ages, the ten-year age gap begins to stretch just a bit!

Episode Seven (93), "The Soup" (aired 10 November 1994). No girlfriend for Jerry, although the waitress with whom George goes for a walk and discusses manure, thereby ruining any chance of a relationship and even driving him from the diner for a time is Tracy Kolis, who played Marlene back in 1991. She looks totally different!

Episode Eight (94), "The Mom & Pop Store" (aired 17 November 1994). No girlfriend again. This is the episode in which George buys "Jon Voight's" LeBaron, and Jon Voight actually shows up (and bizarrely bites George).

Episode Nine (95), "The Secretary" (aired 8 December 1994). Yet another episode with no girlfriend, but Kramer does get Uma Thurman's phone number in this episode (and then loses it to Bania, who doesn't know who she is). George hires Vicki Lewis as his secretary because he decides to pass up the attractive applicants to pick someone he's not attracted to, but they end up having sex anyway.

Episode Ten (96), "The Race" (aired 15 December 1994). Jerry finally dates a woman named Lois, so he gets to act like Superman. He cheats to win a race against an old rival and gets to go to Hawaii with Lois. This is a very funny episode, not only for the race plot ("I choose not to race!") but also because Elaine dates a Communist (but he doesn't have to look like one) who gets Kramer interested in the literature. When the kid accuses "Santa Claus" of being a Communist, that's comedy gold, baby! Lois is played by Renée Props, who had done a little bit of work before appearing on the show, but not a lot after (she was in Get Shorty, however, which is a great movie). I have to give her a Fame Rating of 4 out of 10, because although she's in a memorable episode, it's not memorable necessarily because of her. Props was 32 when the episode aired, so only 8 years younger than her boyfriend. I can't find any pictures of her, unfortunately.

Episode Eleven (97), "The Switch" (aired 5 January 1995). This is an absolute classic episode, as Jerry is dating a woman who never laughs, yet is attracted to her roommate who has a wonderful laugh. So he and George try to figure out how to do "the switch," and George comes up with suggesting a threesome, which will offend the current girlfriend but intrigue the roommate. Of course, both women are "into it," which freaks Jerry out and leads to his great monologue about having to become "an orgy guy," with weirdo lighting and shag carpet and new friends - "orgy friends." As an added bonus, we find out that Kramer's first name is Cosmo. Excellent. I'm going to count two girlfriends for Jerry in this episode, because the roommate was willing to hop in the sack with him and his current girlfriend. The non-laugher is played by Jann Karam, and the roommate (who's more attractive anyway) is played by Heather Medway. Neither woman had much of a career in television, so I'll combine their Fame Ratings and give them 7 out of 10, just for this episode. Of course, Medway was in Models, Inc., and we all remember what a kick-ASS show that was! Karam actually has a web site, and I guess she's doing well. I can't find ages for either actress.

Episode Twelve (98), "The Label Maker" (aired 19 January 1995). No girlfriend, but George does try the "ménage à trois" trick with his girlfriend (who has a male roommate), and they, too, are "into it." Oh dear. This episode also introduced "re-gifting" into the vernacular.

Episode Thirteen (99), "The Scofflaw" (aired 26 January 1995). Jon Lovitz guest-stars as Gary, who faked having cancer because everyone was being so nice to him. There's no girlfriend in sight for Jerry, although Elaine has a nice exchange with Jake Jarmel, her ex-boyfriend. She's mad because she had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship, but Kramer ruined it. Not a bad episode.

Episode Fourteen & Fifteen (100 & 101), "Highlights of a Hundred" (aired 2 February 1995). A clip show.

Episode Sixteen (102), "The Beard" (aired 9 February 1995). Elaine tries to convert a gay man, but fails. She also throws George's toupee out the window after George gets all uppity about dating a bald woman. Jerry gets a girlfriend, a cop to whom he lies about watching Melrose Place. She hooks him up to a lie detector test, which he fails (even though George tells him, "It's not a lie if you believe it"). Jerry's girlfriend Cathy is played by Katherine La Nasa, who I always thought was very attractive. She's never been a big star, but I'll give her a Fame Rating of 6 out of 10 because she's been working steadily in show business for almost twenty years, and even if you haven't seen this episode, chances are you've seen her. La Nasa was 28 when the episode aired, so we're back on track! She was also married to Dennis Hopper once. Wha-????

Episode Seventeen (103), "The Kiss Hello" (aired 16 February 1995). Jerry has no girlfriend. So sad! This episode does guest-star Wendie Malick, however, who was pretty darned funny on Just Shoot Me.

Episode Eighteen (104), "The Doorman" (aired 23 February 1995). Larry Miller guest-stars as the titular character, and Kramer designs the Bro (or Manssiere) with Frank Costanza's help. Alas, Jerry goes girfriendless.

Episode Nineteen (105), "The Jimmy" (aired 16 March 1995). Personally, I love this episode. Jimmy, who speaks in the third person, is just so bizarre, and everyone (including Mel Torme) mistaking Kramer for someone who's mentally challenged is brilliant. Jerry finds Penthouse at the dentist's office, and later believes Tim Whatley and his assistant violated him while he was unconscious. I won't count the hygienist, played by Alison Armitage, as a girlfriend, but I looked her up, and discovered she was Playboy's Playmate of the Month in 1990, under a different name. Here's a (SFW) picture of her. Why the pseudonym???? Here's her web site, in case you're interested.

Episode Twenty (106), "The Doodle" (aired 6 April 1995). This episode gives us one of my favorite girlfriends, but it's George's - Christa Miller playing Paula. She's a cutie. Plus, any woman who doesn't care if her man dresses all in velvet is awesome. Dana Wheeler-Nicholson plays Shelly, whom Jerry must stay with when his apartment is being fumigated. He can't, however, get over his cleanliness to use her toothbrush, especially after he accidentally ate a pecan that had been in her mouth. We had seen Jerry's neat-freakness before, but this is the first episode where it really becomes the issue it would be later in the series. Anyway, Wheeler-Nicholson gets a Fame Rating of 7 out of 10 because she was freakin' Gail Stanwyk way back in Fletch, plus she was in Tombstone. She was 34 to Jerry's 40 when this episode aired, which makes her positively ancient compared to most of his girlfriends.

Episode Twenty-One (107), "The Fusilli Jerry" (aired 27 April 1995). This is the first appearance of Patrick Warburton as Puddy, one of the great minor characters in television history. Other than that, it's notable for the whole ASSMAN license plate thing, and all the talk of "moves" such as the one Puddy steals from Jerry. No girlfriend for our hero, though.

Episode Twenty-Two (108), "The Diplomat's Club" (aired 4 May 1995). In this episode, Elaine is going to quit her job with Mr. Pitt until she finds out she's in his will. Of course, circumstances lead Mr. Pitt to believe she and Jerry are trying to kill him, so he fires her. Meanwhile, Jerry's trip, organized by his manager, played wonderfully by Debra Jo Rupp, goes horribly wrong, and he almost misses meeting his supermodel girlfriend at the airport. Said girlfriend, Bridgette, is played by Berta Maria Waagfjord, who gets a Fame Rating of 1 out of 10. Good job, Ms. Waagfjord! She is barely in this episode and was in only one other show, according to IMDb. I can find no pictures of her nor a birth date. She had to be in her early- to mid-20s when this episode aired, right?

Episode Twenty-Three (109), "The Face Painter" (aired 11 May 1995). No girlfriend again, but Puddy returns. So there's that.

Episode Twenty-Four (110), "The Understudy" (aired 18 May 1995). This is kind of a weak episode, all the more strange because it's the season finale. Elaine gets Frank Costanza to translate what the women at her nail salon are saying (something many women, I bet, would like to know!) and meets J. Peterman, her new boss. Jerry is dating Bette Midler's understudy for the Broadway show "Rochelle, Rochelle" (a nice bit of continuity from earlier episodes) and is suspected of sabotaging Midler to get her on stage. The girlfriend is played by Adelaide Miller (I think), who also gets a Fame Rating of 1 out of 10. Sheesh, there were some lousy girlfriends at the tail end of this season! Miller didn't do much else and, frankly, is annoying in this episode (although I suppose that's the point). Once again, I can find no birthdate or even a photograph of Ms. Miller. Sigh.

So let's check out this pretty weak season for girlfriends. Jerry had 10½ of them (I don't really count Heather Medway, but I'll give her ½ of a credit), but none were really that stellar. None were even really that interesting in the episodes in which they appeared, which is odd. Wheeler-Nicholson is probably the most famous, but even she's not that big a star. It's weird. In terms of quantity, this season has the most girlfriends yet, but in terms of quality, this is probably the worst of the "real" seasons (the first two seasons weren't "full" seasons of 20-some episodes).

If you're curious, check out the other parts of this series: the pilot, season one, season two, season three, season four, and season five.

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Blogger Chris said...

Fun fact: Dana Wheeler-Nicholson is the granddaughter of Major Malcom Wheeler-Nicholson... you know, the guy who started DC Comics.

I shit you not. I saw it on IMDB.

18/6/07 11:30 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

That's pretty excellent.

19/6/07 6:36 AM  
Blogger David Schock said...

Berta Maria Waagfjord could be the most beautiful woman in the world--

31/5/12 5:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hard to find anything on Berta Waagfjord, but here are some recent pics of her. Not so great anymore:

13/12/12 10:40 AM  

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