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Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!


The Women of Jerry, Part 5

I don't know if anything can top Tawny Kitaen's appearance in Season Three, but we'll give it a look, as we move on to Season Four of Seinfeld!

Episodes One and Two (41 & 42), "The Trip (1 & 2)" (aired 12 and 19 August 1992). Jerry and George head to Los Angeles to find Kramer, who left after the brouhaha last season over the keys to Jerry's apartment. They have many misadventures, but the "fish-out-of-water" stories in Seinfeld never really worked. There's some funny stuff (George accosting George Wendt and Corbin Bernsen, for instance), but not enough. And no girlfriend for Jerry!

Episode Three (43), "The Pitch" (aired 16 September 1992). This is where the show really got good, as it goes all meta on us with NBC asking Jerry to pitch them a show, and he and George come up with a show about nothing. Extremely brilliant, but no girlfriend for Jerry.

Episode Four (44), "The Ticket" (aired 16 September 1992). Two episodes on one day! This continues the pitch story, and poor Jerry has no girlfriend.

Episode Five (45), "The Wallet" (aired 23 September 1992). No girlfriend again, as Jerry's parents come to town. Mr. Seinfeld's wallet is "stolen" at the doctor's office. Not a bad episode.

Episode Six (46), "The Watch" (aired 30 September 1992). This is the conclusion to the previous week's story, as Jerry finds out that the watch his parents gave him, which he threw away, was found by Uncle Leo. Elaine starts to date Crazy Joe Devola, although she doesn't know he's the crazy guy stalking Jerry. Jerry's girlfriend from the next episode shows up, but we'll get to her in a second.

Episode Seven (47), "The Bubble Boy" (aired 7 October 1992). Jerry gets a girlfriend, Naomi, whose laugh sounds like Elmer Fudd's. She ditches Jerry, but later ends up at Susan's father's cabin with Kramer, and they promptly burn it down. This is a funny episode with Brian Doyle-Murray and the kid in the bubble. George, of course, argues with the Bubble Boy over a Trivial Pursuit question. Naomi is played by Jessica Lundy, who began her career in Bright Lights, Big City and Caddyshack II. Now that's a résumé! She hasn't really done much since Seinfeld, guest-starring in some television shows (including It's Like, You Know ...), getting one of the title roles in Hope and Gloria, and starring as Tom Arnold's wife in The Stupids. She's not even that memorable a girlfriend, although the Elmer Fudd laugh is pretty good. I'll give her a Fame Rating of 5 out of 10, and that's kind of pushing it. Lundy was 26 when this episode aired, and Jerry was 38. Is the age gap beginning to show, or is this a fluke? Read on!

Episode Eight (48), "The Cheever Letters" (aired 28 October 1992). This episode is most notable for the fact that it's revealed that Susan's father had an affair with John Cheever (a fact never mentioned again, and Mr. Ross stayed married to his wife), which is a very funny scene, especially because Jerry and George are stuck in the middle of this very personal family drama. But Jerry sort of has a girlfriend in this episode, as he takes out Sandra, Elaine's assistant, after she threatens to quit because Jerry doesn't like talking to her on the phone and tells Elaine about it. After the date, he and Sandra are fooling around, and Jerry says the wrong thing to her, which freaks her out. Of course, she tells Elaine, causing embarrassment for Jerry. Sandra is played by Lisa Malkiewicz, who was barely in anything else. This means her Fame Rating is a paltry 2 out of 10, and that only because this is a pretty good episode of Seinfeld. But she did star in a vampire movie with Henry Rollins! I have no pictures of Ms. Malkiewicz, nor do I have an age for her. She gave up acting, it seems, to create a bedtime CD to help your kids relax. It certainly looks like her.

Episode Nine (49), "The Opera" (aired 4 November 1992). No girlfriend, as Jerry and Elaine go to the opera and Elaine finds out she's dating Crazy Joe Devola. It's a pretty funny episode.

Episode Ten (50), "The Virgin" (aired 11 November 1992). Jerry's girlfriend is a virgin, and Elaine takes it upon herself to educate her (Marla) about men. It's a funny episode, and Marla is played by Jane Leeves, who had a pretty good career before she appeared, most notably as a recurring character on Murphy Brown (although she was on The Benny Hill Show in the mid-1980s), but really became famous for her work on Frasier as Daphne Moon, Martin Crane's caregiver and object of Niles Crane's desire. Just for that, she gets a Fame Rating of 8 out of 10, although her role on Seinfeld is also quite good. Leeves was 31 when the episode aired, and Jerry was 38. So not a bad age gap.

Episode Eleven (51), "The Contest" (aired 18 November 1992). Quite possibly the best Seinfeld episode, which makes it one of the ten best sitcom episodes ever. Man, it's funny. Leeves is the girlfriend again, but she runs out on Jerry when he explains the contest to her and ends up losing her virginity to John Kennedy Jr.

Episode Twelve (52), "The Airport" (aired 25 November 1992). Jerry and Elaine are forced into separate classes on an airplane, with Jerry going to first class and Elaine flying coach. Of course, their journeys are much contrasted. George and Kramer, meanwhile, get into trouble at the airport. I'm with Jerry on this one: I've flown first class (not very often), and it's extremely difficult to go back to coach. So Elaine wouldn't know what's she missing! Jerry meets his next girlfriend, Tia, on the plane. She's played by Jennifer Lynn Campbell, who was Miss Hawaiian Tropic International in 1989 but never did a lot in show business beyond the obligatory Baywatch appearances. I suppose I can give Ms. Campbell a Fame Rating of 3 out of 10, because this is a pretty memorable episode of Seinfeld, she appeared on the show again, and she's Miss Hawaiian Tropic International! That's good stuff! Ms. Campbell was 25 when the episode aired, and Jerry was 38.

Episode Thirteen (53), "The Pick" (aired 16 December 1992). Tia dumps Jerry when she catches him picking his nose - but did he really? George and Jerry debate the actuality of the pick. Elaine sends out a Christmas card that shows her nipple. I never figured out how she could be showing her nipple in a Christmas card photo. What was she wearing????

Episode Fourteen (54), "The Movie" (aired 6 January 1993). Jerry and the gang try to get together to see a movie, but nothing goes as planned. This is an amusing episode, but Jerry has no girlfriend.

Episode Fifteen (55), "The Visa" (aired 27 January 1993). This episode features the Chinese lawyer who thinks George is funny, and when he tells Jerry to NOT be funny, she becomes attracted to him. Cheryl (the lawyer) doesn't really count as a girlfriend, so I'm not going to get into her statistics. It all goes horribly wrong, of course.

Episode Sixteen (56), "The Shoes" (aired 4 February 1993). Jerry has no girlfriend in this episode, which deals with he and George getting feedback on their pilot and Elaine getting bent out of shape because another woman is discussing her shoes. The woman is Gail Cunningham, who is an ex-girlfriend of Jerry's, and she's played by Anita Barone. Ms. Barone actually gets a Fame Rating of 6 out of 10 for a few reasons: this is a very funny and memorable episode; she was the original girlfriend of Ross' lesbian wife in Friends; she stars currently in The War at Home, which I've never seen but looks truly wretched. However, it's a sitcom on a network, so it's kind of high-profile. Anita was 28 when the episode aired, and Jerry was 38. She actually dated Kramer, who was 43 at the time. This episode is also notable for featuring Denise Richards in one of her early roles as Russell Dalrymple's 16-year-old daughter, who bends over while Jerry and George are there, flashing some cleavage at them. George gets caught staring at her. Richards was just shy of her 22nd birthday when the episode aired, so if you've ever felt icky about leering at a teenager yourself, worry no more!

Episode Seventeen (57), "The Outing" (aired 11 February 1993). Another classic, as George and Jerry are "outed" by a college reporter after they play a joke on her. The reporter is played by Paula Marshall, who was 28 when the episode aired (Jerry was still 38). Marshall is the kind of actress who you always think is more famous than she is. She's instantly recognizable, but when you look at her résumé, she hasn't really set the world on fire too much. I'm not entirely sure what to give her as a Fame Rating. I think 6 out of 10 is probably appropriate.

Episode Eighteen (58), "The Old Man" (aired 18 February 1993). Jerry, George, and Elaine volunteer to help the elderly. Elaine meets Gandhi's lover, while George gets oil rubbed on his bald head by the hot housekeeper. But no girlfriend.

Episode Nineteen (59), "The Implant" (aired 25 February 1993). Yes, it's the Teri Hatcher episode! Such a great closing line: "They're real, and they're spectacular." I never understood why Jerry would take Elaine's word for it. Okay, I get that he doesn't want to be "misled." But he's always discarding girlfriends, right? So why doesn't he just sleep with Sidra and find out for himself? If they're not real, at least he gets a night of sex out of it. Stupid Jerry! Hatcher, of course, did some work prior to this, and since then, she's been in Lois and Clark and Desperate Housewives, as well as showing her "real" and "spectacular" breasts in Heaven's Prisoners (ironically, they really weren't all that spectacular, although they were nice). Hatcher had just turned 28 when the episode aired, while Jerry was 38. I sense a ten-year-age-gap trend! I'm going to give Hatcher a Fame Rating of 9 out of 10. If she's not the most famous of Jerry's ex-girlfriends, she's in the top five.

Episode Twenty (60), "The Junior Mint" (aired 18 March 1993). Another classic, with Kramer asking Jerry how on earth he could turn down a Junior Mint ("it's chocolate, it's peppermint - it's delicious!"). Jerry dates a woman whose name he can't remember, who will forever be known as Mulva (her name rhymes with a female body part - it's actually Dolores). "Mulva" is played by Susan Walters, who actually had a ten-year career prior to appearing on Seinfeld. She wasn't a big star, but she was working. She hasn't done much since beside guest-starring on Melrose Place, CSI, and The Young and the Restless. Let's give her a Fame Rating of 5 out of 10. Walters was 29 when the episode aired. Jerry was closing in on 39, so the ten-year age gap sort of works.

Episode Twenty-One (61), "The Smelly Car" (aired 15 April 1993). No girlfriend. Jerry's car gets a monstrous case of B.O. Nothing is safe!

Episode Twenty-Two (62), "The Handicap Spot" (aired 13 May 1993). No girlfriend. George, egged on by Kramer, parks in a handicap spot at the mall. Hilarity ensues.

Episodes Twenty-Three and -Four (63 & 64), "The Pilot" (aired 20 May 1993). This is a pretty funny episode, and it guest stars Mariska Hargitay, who now stars on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. I don't remember her; I'll have to look for her next time that episode airs. Jerry's "girlfriend" is the woman who plays Elaine in the pilot, who is played by Elena Wohl, whose Fame Rating must remain low, at 2 out of 10. This is really her only role of note. I can't find anything much about her, including her age. Oh well.

Another season in the books, and not a bad one for Jerry's amorous life. 8 "girlfriends" and 1 ex-girlfriend. Two of the girlfriends have recurring roles, and two of them had long runs as stars on other shows, while the ex-girlfriend also has been on a sitcom for while (even though it sucks, at least she's working!). This is probably his best season yet. Too bad he didn't get to check out Sidra's breasts, because Jackie Chiles sure enjoyed them!

More later - can Jerry top this season????

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Blogger Tom the Dog said...

Still loving these posts. But I'm shocked and appalled at Paula Marshall's low rating. The Hawaiian Tropic girl nobody's ever heard of gets a 4, and Paula only gets a 6?? It's probably because I've had such a huge crush on Paula for so long -- I can remember every TV show she's ever killed with her amazing showkilling superpowers. Also, hers has got to be one of the top five most memorable Seinfeld episodes, generating the legendary "Not that there's anything wrong with that" line. And if Teri Hatcher can't get a 10, who can?

14/4/07 11:10 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

Yeah, 4 was probably high for the Hawaiian Tropic girl. I'll have to go back and change that. I'm sticking with 6 for Marshall, though - it's not that she hasn't been in a lot of things, she just hasn't really set the world on fire, and of course, she has that show-killing track record.

I'm not sure anyone is going to get a 10. That might be the Holy Grail of Seinfeld girlfriends!

15/4/07 8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoying "The Women of Jerry"!

Not important at all, but FYI, Anita Barone wasn't the original girlfriend of Ross' lesbian wife on Friends... She was the original lesbian wife.

25/5/08 3:49 PM  

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