Delenda Est Carthago

Why not delve into a twisted mind? Thoughts on the world, history, politics, entertainment, comics, and why all shall call me master!

Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!


It's about time to recast a holiday classic!

It's been a while since I asked you to recast a movie, but it's the Christmas season, and let me tell you, It's A Wonderful Life is just begging for a remake! Come on people, the copy writes itself:

In theaters only, Christmas 2006 ... a Jerry Bruckheimer Production ... of a Michael Bay film ... It's A Wonderful Life (in glorious Technicolor)! Starring ... ah, but that's where you good people come in.

(Okay, maybe Bay's not the best choice. By now, however, I'm sure he'll be looking to "branch out" from his chosen field of slam-bang action flicks. If he's not available because he's working on the Transformers movie - ???? - how about Tom Shadyac or Brett Ratner? But we're not choosing a director, we're choosing stars!)

Anyway, I'm not a huge fan of It's A Wonderful Life. It's all right, I suppose, but I'm just not that impressed. Maybe it's Stewart - in these kinds of roles, he always struck me as dopey. Give me The Philadelphia Story or Vertigo and I'm there. So let's just tear down a holiday classic, shall we? Modern people can make movies so much better than those yokels in the 1940s, man!

The cast of the original:
Jimmy Stewart (or "James" if he's your dad or something) as George Bailey. Poor, put-upon George Bailey. "I don't want to get married!" "I don't want to ever have lived!" "I didn't steal 8 large!" What a whinger.
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His long-suffering wife, Mary, is played by Donna Reed. She loves him even though he's a misogynist pig. Go, Donna!
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The "villain" of the movie is Mr. Potter, played by Lionel Barrymore. They obviously stole the idea of an evil industrialist from Matt Groening. Shouldn't he sue? The FBI apparently thought this was a Commie movie because the good capitalist is portrayed poorly. I agree. Let's hope the remake remedies this and shows Mr. Potter in his true, all-American light. Commerce is Progress, people!
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Thomas Mitchell played Uncle Billy and Beulah Bondi played George's mother. Remember the good old days, when you could name your child Beulah and she wouldn't be teased until she developed an eating disorder? Good times. Where's a celebrity to bring back Beulah when you need it? Isn't Gwyneth Paltrow pregnant again yet?
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Henry Travers played Clarence, the annoying angel who showed George how awful everyone's life would be if he had never existed. What a buttinsky.
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(Note: you may not choose Morgan Freeman as Clarence. It's way too easy. Put some thought into it, people! Morgan, as is well known, will spend most of next year starring in The Electric Company Movie, returning to his roots, so he's unavailable anyway.)

Karolyn Grimes played Zuzu, one of Stewart's bratty children. And no, Dakota Fanning will not be available next year either - she's working on her own remake: The Guns of Navarone (in the David Niven role).
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The only other major role to be filled, I think, is Harry, George's brother. He was played by Todd Karns, but I couldn't find his picture. It actually took me quite a while to find the pictures I did get, which is why I didn't post this last week. Anyway, here's that group shot from the end:
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Like I said, I'm not the biggest fan of the movie, so I'm not sure who in the cast is all that important. Feel free to suggest other people in roles I didn't mention. Let's go, people - Jerry Bruckheimer is counting on you!


Blogger Thomas said...

Jimmy Stewart - Edward Norton
Donna Reed - Mandy Moore
Thomas Mitchell - Gene Hackman
Lionel Barrymore - Harrison Ford
George's brother - Chris Evans

13/12/05 8:46 PM  
Blogger Mustang said...

Jimmy Stewart - Fred Thompson
Donna Reed - Mary Kay Letourneau

14/12/05 6:58 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

George Bailey - Jeff Goldblum
Mary Bailey - Ashley Judd
Mr Potter - Jack Nicholson
Uncle Billy - Dabney Coleman
Clarence - Bob Newhart
Violet Bick - Uma Thurman
Mr Gower - Gene Hackman

Can't you just see the confrontation scene between Nicholson and Goldblum? "You called me a warped, frustrated old man..."

14/12/05 11:23 PM  
Blogger David Campbell said...

George Bailey - Nicolas Cage
Mary Bailey - Tea Leoni
Mr Potter - Tom Sizemore
Clarence - Martine Lawrence

15/12/05 1:39 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

The nice thing about this is we can mix-n-match! I'm loving Jeff Goldblum as George, although Nicolas Cage has its weird charm. I think Tea Leoni is too weird for Mary - Mandy Moore actually fits the role pretty well, because she seems like she could simper well, and I always thought of Mary as simpering. I love Dabney Coleman as Uncle Billy, and I think Harrison Ford could pull of Mr. Potter, although Nicholson is good too. So many to choose from! I think Mary Kay Letourneau might be in jail while filming goes on, though.

Hi Daniel - I don't know where you came from, but I hope you come back.

15/12/05 2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clarence: replace with a tag-team of angel children, Dakota Fanning and a generic little brother.

(Ideally, hop in Central Casting's time machine and grab a young Jonathan Lipnicki or Haley Joel Osment.)

16/12/05 10:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can just see Goldblum giving a lecture about chaos theory and financial markets.

16/12/05 10:24 PM  
Blogger Roger Owen Green said...

I have no opinion, having seen the movie but once. My wife, though, has seen it several times.

David Schewimmer
Jenna Fischer
As the banker- someone named Bob (Hoskins, DeNiro, Duvall) or LKelsey Grammer
Brother-Jake Gylenhall
Angel-Danny DeVito
Little girl-an unknown

19/12/05 8:02 PM  

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