Delenda Est Carthago

Why not delve into a twisted mind? Thoughts on the world, history, politics, entertainment, comics, and why all shall call me master!

Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!


The Women of Jerry recap

Let's review all the girlfriends (or women Jerry almost dated) in Mr. Seinfeld's life, shall we? I thought I'd list them by Fame Rating, which is, of course, completely subjective!

Fame Rating: 10.
1. Courteney Cox. Season 5, Episode 81, 1994. Age gap: 10 years. She pretended to be Jerry's wife to get a drycleaning discount.

Fame Rating: 9.
2. Catherine Keener. Season 3, Episode 38, 1992. Age gap: 4 years. She painted Kramer and plagiarized a love letter to Jerry.
3. Teri Hatcher. Season 4, Episode 59, 1993. Age gap: 10 years. "They're real, and they're spectacular."
4. Debra Messing. Season 7, Episode 133, 1996 and Season 8, Episode 153, 1997. Age gap: 15 years. Jerry was waiting out her marriage in the first episode, and when he finally hooked up with her in the second one, she turned out to be horribly racist.
5. Marcia Cross. Season 9, Episode 163, 1997. Age gap: 8 years. She was "Pimple Popper, MD"!

Fame Rating: 8.
6. Tawny Kitaen. Season 3, Episode 26, 1991. Age gap: 7 years. It's TAWNY KITAEN!
7. Jane Leeves. Season 4, Episodes 50 and 51, 1992. Age gap: 7 years. She's the virgin who ends up losing her virginity to John F. Kennedy, Jr.
8. Marlee Matlin. Season 5, Episode 70, 1993. Age gap: 11 years. George asks her to spy on his girlfriend by reading her lips.
9. Jami Gertz. Season 5, Episode 76, 1994. Age gap: 11 years. She couldn't spare Elaine a square. Plus, she had an interesting job.
10. Janeane Garofalo. Season 7, Episode 134, 1996. Age gap: 12 years. Jerry proposed to her because they were so much alike, but then they decided they hated each other.
11. Christine Taylor. Season 8, Episode 148, 1997. Age gap: 17 years. Everyone thought there was something wrong with her, but Jerry couldn't see it.
12. Kristin Davis. Season 8, Episode 150, 1997. Age gap: 11 years. Her toothbrush fell in the toilet and Jerry couldn't kiss her afterward.
13. Lauren Graham. Season 8, Episode 154, 1997. Age gap: 13 years. She competed over Jerry with her mother.

Fame Rating: 7.
14. Jennifer Coolidge. Season 5, Episode 73, 1993. Age gap: 9 years. She was the masseuse who refused to give Jerry a massage.
15. Dana Wheeler-Nicholson. Season 6, Episode 106, 1995. Age gap: 6 years. Jerry put one of her discarded pecans in his mouth, which grossed him out.
16. Stacey Travis. Season 7, Episode 114, 1995. Age gap: Unknown. She made Jerry meat-heavy meals.
17. Brenda Strong. Season 7, Episode 122, 1996. Age gap: 6 years. She's Sue Ellen Mischkie, for crying out loud!
18. A. J. Langer. Season 8, Episode 140, 1996. Age gap: 20 years. Her mentor dated Bania, which made her abandon the mentor.
19. Melinda Clarke. Season 8, Episode 155, 1997. Age gap: 15 years. Jerry shaved his chest for her.
20. Amanda Peet. Season 8, Episode 156, 1997. Age gap: 18 years. Jerry couldn't keep up with her, so George helped him run errands.
21. Lori Loughlin. Season 9, Episode 159, 1997. Age gap: 10 years. She gets Jerry to express his emotions.

Fame Rating: 6.
22. Helen Slater. Season 3, Episode 37, 1992. Age gap: 9 years. She wasn't really a girlfriend, but Jerry tried to date her.
23. Anita Barone. Season 4, Episode 56, 1993. Age gap: 10 years. She's Jerry's ex-girlfriend, actually, the one who talks about Elaine's shoes and who gets snubbed by Kramer (and later dates him).
24. Paula Marshall. Season 4, Episode 57, 1993. Age gap: 10 years. She "outed" Jerry.
25. Anna Gunn. Season 5, Episode 67, 1993. Age gap: 14 years. George claims he saw her making out with Jerry's cousin Jeffrey.
26. Katherine La Nasa. Season 6, Episode 102, 1995. Age gap: 12 years. She played the policewoman who didn't believe Jerry didn't watch Melrose Place.
27. Samantha Smith. Season 7, Episode 128, 1996. Age gap: 15 years. She gets Jerry's jacket back from the acrobats, but not before he ruins the relationship.
28. Ivana Milicevic. Season 8, Episode 147, 1997. Age gap: 20 years. Her husband tried to pimp her out to Jerry.
29. Angela Featherstone. Season 9, Episode 175, 1998. Age gap: 11 years. She was Jerry's maid, but she ended up sleeping with him.

Fame Rating: 5.
30. Gina Gallego. Season 3, Episode 32, 1992. Age gap: 5 years. She was dating the dude in the coma, but she was attracted to Jerry.
31. Melinda McGraw. Season 3, Episode 37, 1992. Age gap: 9 years. She was the hit-and-run driver that Jerry couldn't turn in because he was attracted to her.
32. Jessica Lundy. Season 4, Episode 47, 1992. Age gap: 12 years. Her laugh sounded like Elmer Fudd's.
33. Susan Walter. Season 4, Episode 60, 1993. Age gap: 9 years. The infamous Mulva.
34. Suzanne Snyder. Season 5, Episode 79, 1994. Age gap: 6-7 years. She refused to eat pie. She's also Poppie's daughter.
35. Marguerite MacIntyre. Season 6, Episode 87, 1994. Age gap: 11 years. She was Miss Rhode Island; Jerry accidentally killed her doves.
36. Rebecca Staab. Season 6, Episode 89, 1994. Age gap: 7 years. She sent Jerry a thank-you card for appearing on her telethon.
37. Elisa Löwensohn. Season 6, Episode 92, 1994. Age gap: 12 years. She played the Romanian gymnast who wasn't as weird sexually as Jerry hoped.
38. Alexandra Wentworth. Season 7, Episode 116, 1995. Age gap: 11 years. Jerry chose the Soup Nazi's soup over her.
39. Justine Miceli. Season 9, Episode 164, 1997. Age gap: 5 years. She's in the backward episode; Jerry sleeps with her even though George likes her.
40. Cindy Ambuehl. Season 9, Episode 172, 1998. Age gap: 10 years. She has a "secret tractor story."
41. Julia Campbell. Season 9, Episode 174, 1998. Age gap: 8 years. Jerry tried to break up with her but was scared of "the Lopper," so he couldn't.

Fame Rating: 4.
42. Melanie Smith. Season 5, Episodes 82, 83, 85, and 86, 1994. Age gap: 9 years. Jerry made out with her during Schindler's List.
43. Marita Geraghty. Season 6, Episode 88, 1994. Age gap: Unknown. She was dumped by Newman.
44. Renée Props. Season 6, Episode 96, 1994. Age gap: 8 years. She played Lois, so Jerry could act like Superman.
45. Jann Karam. Season 6, Episode 97, 1995. Age gap: Unknown. She was the non-laugher whom Jerry wanted to dump for her laughing roommate.
46. Kristin Bauer. Season 8, Episode 137, 1996. Age gap: 20 years. Man Hands!
47. Kathleen McClellan. Season 9, Episode 165, 1997. Age gap: Probably 15-16 years. She's always naked, and Jerry doesn't like that!

Fame Rating: 3.
48. Tracy Kolis. Season 2, Episode 6, 1991. Age gap: Unknown. Jerry wanted to dump her, but she had a "psycho-sexual" hold on him.
49. Gretchen German. Season 2, Episode 9, 1991. Age gap: Unknown. She likes the Dockers commercial that Jerry finds stupid.
50. Jennifer Lynn Campbell. Season 4, Episodes 52 and 53, 1992. Age gap: 13 years. Jerry met her on the plane, and she later thought she caught him picking his nose.
51. Kimberly Norris. Season 5, Episode 74, 1993. Age gap: Unknown. She's the Native American who is always around when Jerry does something offensive.
52. Angela Dohrmann. Season 6, Episode 90, 1994. Age gap: Unknown. Everyone thought she was Chinese because her name was Donna Chang.
53. Heather Medway. Season 6, Episode 97, 1995. Age gap: Unknown. She was the laughing roommate who almost got Jerry involved in a threesome.
54. Athena Massey. Season 7, Episode 111, 1995. Age gap: 18 years. She eats her peas one at a time, which vexes Jerry.
55. Julia Pennington. Season 9, Episode 162, 1997. Age gap: Unknown. Jerry drugs her to play with her classic toy collection.

Fame Rating: 2.
56. Lynn Clark. Season 1, Episodes 2 and 5, 1990. Age gap: Unknown. Jerry stalked her and later went on an awful weekend with her.
57. Lisa Malkiewicz. Season 4, Episode 48, 1992. Age gap: Unknown. Jerry freaked her out with his dirty talk.
58. Elena Wohl. Season 4, Episodes 63 and 64, 1993. Age gap: Unknown. She was the actress who played Elaine in the pilot.
59. Kimberly Campbell. Season 5, Episode 75, 1993. Age gap: Unknown. She has the fungus cream in her bathroom.
60. Jennifer Guthrie. Season 7, Episode 119, 1995. Age gap: 5 years. She's stocking up on sponges, so Jerry realizes she's "bad" even though he thinks she's "good."
61. Lisa Deanne. Season 7, Episode 123, 1996. Age gap: Unknown. She always wore the same outfit.
62. Dylan (Danette) Tays. Season 7, Episode 130, 1996. Age gap: Unknown. She could get whatever she wanted.
63. Kim Myers. Season 8, Episode 136, 1996. Age gap: 12 years. Kramer goes ga-ga over Jerry's girlfriend, which leads to Jerry going ga-ga.
64. Sara Rose Peterson. Season 9, Episode 158, 1997. Age gap: Unknown. Jerry pretends her belly button can talk.
65. Karen Fineman. Season 9, Episode 166, 1997. Age gap: Unknown. She looks different in different light.

Fame Rating: 1.
66. Pamela Brüll. Pilot, Episode 1, 1989. She's the woman who comes to visit Jerry, and he's not sure what's going on. She's getting married, so maybe she shouldn't count, but what the hell.
67. Berta Maria Waagfjord. Season 6, Episode 108, 1995. Age gap: Unknown. She's waiting for Jerry at the airport, and he almost misses his date.
68. Adelaide Miller. Season 6, Episode 110, 1995. Age gap: Unknown. She's Bette Miller's understudy.
69. Jennette Robbins. Season 9, Episode 168, 1998. Age gap: Unknown. She makes Jerry hold all her stuff, forcing him to get a purse.

In 180 episodes (counting clip shows and the finale), Jerry had 69 girlfriends, more or less (some he didn't actually date, but we're counting them anyway). That's slightly more than 1 girlfriend for every 3 shows, which isn't bad. I think I did a pretty good job with the Fame Ratings - you might disagree with a few (and I did change Kristin Davis, because she's more famous than I thought), but when you line them up by rank, I think it's not bad. Courteney Cox, I would argue, is definitely the most Famous of Jerry's girlfriends. Even my parents know who she is! The average age gap between Jerry and the women whose age I could find, by the way, is a shade under 11 years, which isn't too surprising.

In case you're interested in reading more about these ladies, here are the links to the season posts: Pilot, Season One, Season Two, Season Three, Season Four, Season Five, Season Six, Season Seven, Season Eight, and Season Nine.

Thanks for checking these out with me. It's been fun.

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Blogger Roger Green said...

I wondered before, and still do: I think Catherine Keener's probably too high. I mean, *I* know who she is - heck, have had a bit of a crush on her - but if you asked the average American who those people are, I don't think she'd measure up to the other 9s or even some of the 8s.

17/9/07 7:16 AM  

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