Delenda Est Carthago

Why not delve into a twisted mind? Thoughts on the world, history, politics, entertainment, comics, and why all shall call me master!

Name:
Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!

16.7.06

Big bunnies, unisex bathrooms, Mr. T, destroy all robots!, pirate lingerie, and many Signs of the Apocalypse - all in the links!

Yes, this week I had time to zip around cyberspace and find all that's great and glorious about this big blue marble we inhabit. Can you handle the cosmic goodness of all the links?

Let's get right to it!

FUNNY STUFF. We laugh so that we may not cry.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2006 winners are out! Your winner:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

That's just painful. Lots more at the link, but beware - they are all as bad as this one!

Jesus contemplates his scars. Do the ladies like them or not?

Dave brings us: Bus Off A Cliff Comics! Excellent political humor, including my favorite:

Dave did these himself, so I don't want to steal any more - go check the rest out at the link!

Holy crap, that's a big bunny!

Google Senator Rick Santorum's last name! Fun stuff. This is from YesButNoButYes.

True tales of the unisex bathroom!

If you've been wondering what Deadwood, one of the best shows on television, is lacking, the answer is obvious: a laugh track. Lyle pointed this out.

This is a long (but funny) post about being way too polite.

My obituary:




QuizGalaxy!
'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

This is from Stuntmother.

Have you ever found a very old note to yourself?

Life lessons from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Who knew such philosophy was embedded in a Disney movie?

FASHION NEWS. We're all about the fashion here!

The school district in Arlington, TX, is banning "grills" - you know, those jewelry-encrusted things rappers wear on their teeth. There was an article in this week's newspaper about them and how unhygienic they are, but stupid people wearing stupid things on their body is as American as denying minorities their rights! Fashion is largely stupid, and trying to ban it never does anyone any good.

Speaking of fashion, Mr. T has ditched his gold chains after viewing the destruction wrought by Katrina. It's a sin against God, according to T, to wear such ostentatious bling while there are so many people put out by the hurricane. But I thought they were put out by the hurricane because they were sinning against God? Religion is so confusing. I'll miss the gold chains. It's like KISS without the makeup!

Go Fug Yourself brings us an unidentified poorly-dressed person:

Fashion makes my head hurt.

COMIC BOOK WACKINESS. When comics take the place of classic literature, you'll all be sorry you don't read them!

Scipio has discovered Spider-Man's weak point:
Spidey
That's gotta hurt. Unless, of course, Spidey is, you know, that way.

Scipio has a bit of a theme going, as he the only example we need for why the importance of word balloons on comic book covers:


But that's not all for the Man of Steel! Scott discovers that Superman is sexist:

Oh, the horror! Boy, Superman really is a dick, isn't he?

This probably shouldn't be in the comic book section, but what the hell: Tom has an interesting post about sexism and gender differences. It was inspired by comics, so that's where it's going!

Dorian visits the DC message boards. Why, Dorian, why? At least we reap the benefit of reading about the idiots without having to actually go there.

I forgot to mention that last week Chris Sims had a theme: Badass Week! He wrote about Ghost Rider and Captain America, gave out a Lifetime Tough Man Achievement Award, and revealed the Toughest Man in Comics (which was unsurprising) and the Toughest Woman in Comics (which was surprising). Quality stuff as usual from the Invincible Super-Blog.

Speaking of Chris, he brings us the awesomeness of Project X, which is a comic about noodles in a cup. Do you doubt it? Gaze in wonder:

If your mind is now blown, you're not the only one.

Thoughts about Greg Land and "pornface."

Nik has some interesting thoughts about Alan Moore's Lost Girls.

Mike Sterling wants to destroy all robots!

POLITICS. And related insanity.

Is this guy serious? According to him (well, I assume it's a him, but it could be a her), if Israel didn't exist Jews and Muslims would live in perfect harmony. WTF? One thing that bugs me about crazy liberals is their occasional hatred of Israel. I don't think Israel is the shining paragon of goodness that conservatives make it out to be, but it certainly has a right to exist. Israel not existing wouldn't help solve the problems in the Middle East. I hate to agree with crazy right-wingers like Ace, where I found this, but this is just ridiculous.

A Baptist minister compared Kenneth Lay to James Byrd, a black man who was dragged to his death, saying they were both "lynched." He also compared him to Martin Luther King Jr. and - get this - Jesus. I can't even find the words for this. I got both stories at Andrew Sullivan, here and here.

Who, oh who, can we blame for the illegal immigration problem? Duh. Ronald Reagan, of course. You have to love unintended consequences.

"The president is always right." Actual quote by Stephen Bradbury, a Justice Department lawyer. Un-frickin'-believable. This is from The Carpetbagger Report by way of Balloon Juice.

Echidne links to this article about how liberal Christianity is dying because people want authoritarian sects telling them what to do, and then rips it to shreds. It's fascinating because I have always heard that the Catholic Church is in crisis, yet they seem to be more authoritarian than anyone. The author kind of skims over that point.

Edward Copeland on Film has the news that the CleanFlick people have to knock it off. An interesting reaction to the ruling can be found here (with links).

Are the Minutemen riddled with corruption? I know, it would be shocking!

This has been making the rounds, but if you missed it, it's new to you! The Disgruntled Chemist first brought it to my attention. He pointed out this story in The Onion. It's amusing enough, but this pro-lifer thought it was serious and really ripped into it. Over a thousand comments later, most telling him how stupid he was, and he responded here. Satire is dead, apparently.

This story didn't get much press, which is odd: the Supreme Court has basically ripped the guts out of the insanity defense. This is from an Arizona case, so I'm surprised I didn't see more about it here. This is from Heretical Ideas. It's good to see that we're getting tough on those paranoid schizophrenics!

This is a sobering story about all the neo-Nazis in the United States military.

OCTOGENARIAN NEWS. Eighty is the new forty, you know.

An 83-year-old man took a turn at bat in a minor-league baseball game. He struck out. If you're the pitcher, don't you have to throw at him? I mean, come on! But at least he wasn't selling drugs for sex, like this 80-year-old! That's just icky.

SOCCER-RELATED STUFF. Because the World Cup may be over, but football lives on!

It's the World Cup headbutt heard 'round the world ... in LEGO!

From Majikthise.

In related news, the Ministry of Information links to this story about the cultural norms of swearing.

POP CULTURE-O-RAMA! Because there's no culture like the disposable kind!

Afe found this picture somewhere:

That's Yvonne Craig, apparently (it doesn't look like her). You may know her better as Batgirl!

Neel Mehta brings us news that Adventures in Babysitting is getting remade. What an awesome movie (I kid you not). The question is, of course, what the fuck? Can no one in Hollywood come up with even the semblance of an original idea? Of course, because it's the Internet, there are always people who go a little nutty about the news.

Woody asks the most important question ever: who's hotter, pirates or stormtroopers? I must say, his stormtroopers would fare poorly in battle. And he actually links to a pirate lingerie page:

See? If you visit this blog, you can find out how to spice up that aspect of your life!

The weirdness of the new television show Who Wants to be a Superhero. Ah, yes, MonkeyWoman was there (with her only "natural" superpower - the monkey screech) ...

... as was Fat Momma (who can hit you with a "super burp") ...

... and Lemuria, who is of course from Atlantis:


If you don't think the Japanese have the weirdest culture in the world, this may change your mind.

Will M. Night Shyamalan direct a Harry Potter film? The rumor comes is linked to at The Beat.

Kate Hudson likes porn, apparently. Or, more specifically, she doesn't mind if her husband watches it. I doubt if she'll have to worry about it much longer - aren't they due for a divorce?

Adam West exhibits his Bat-art!

The always-fun Tom Peyer found this piece of pop-culture goodness.

SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE. It's coming, people!

Stolen from Allison:

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dave finds something that's pretty disturbing. He found a message board where people are happy because of all the crap that's going on in the world because it means the Rapture is coming soon. And I'm pretty sure they're serious.

My pal Roxy goes to Ozzfest and learns dark, depressing things about herself.

Here are a ton o' statistics about books, courtesy of Goin' Ape. The saddest one of all: 58% of Americans never read a book after high school.

I've seen this a few places, but I say it first at Basketbawful: A man has sued Michael Jordan because they look alike and he's tired of being mistaken for Jordan. He sued Phil Knight too. For 416 million dollars. Each. Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Here are two news stories about various schools banning tag. Yes, tag. It messes with kids' self esteem, don't you know. This is from Dadcentric.

You've heard of the cuculoupe, right? Thank goodness we have Dave Barry to bring us the news!

MISCELLANEOUS. I can't come up with categories for everything!

This post has some interesting thoughts about Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World by Greg Critser as well as thoughts about obesity in general. I'm obese (probably, although I'm not sure how obese) and struggle with it, and it's far too easy to become obese. I'm working on it!

Pete Coors was arrested for DUI. I know drunk driving is a serious issue, but this is pretty funny. I got the news from Ace of Spades.

Here are some nice signs trying to get abled people to stop parking in disabled parking spaces. My favorite is:

The other two don't have the swearing, but they're still good. I found this at ahistoricality. Ever since we got our handicapped parking tag, I've noticed only a few times where it appeared someone was blatantly abusing it. My darling wife actually threatened to call the cops on a guy once who was parked in a handicapped space. This was after she politely asked him if he had a tag and made a big deal about dragging Mia's wheelchair out of the van. The guy had a hard time getting the hint, I guess.

The Ministry of Information gives us this bit of information:

Ladies, you know you want them! The manufacturer thought, "How can I make stiletto heels even more uncomfortable? I know - I'll make the shoes out of metal!"

Are you looking for the best nudist resorts? Sure you are! Go here for four of the best. If you peruse this woman's blog, you'll know she's very qualified to discuss this.

This is a weird site in what appears to be Russian. Why would I link to it? The pictures, oh, the pictures:

The Russian Spider-Man shows up, too. Doubt me at your peril! I found this at Heidi's blog.

Why we'd all be better of if a secret cabal was actually running the world.

Here's a link some nice old-school pictures of the Liberty Theater in Portland, courtesy of Stumptown Confidential.

Have I mentioned how much I miss Portland? Sigh.

Yes, it's virtual bubble wrap. Pop it yourself! I found it here.

Here are a few links from Histori-blogography: autoantonyms and the coolest ice tray ever:

You know you want it!

Vincent Van Gogh's paintings: a precursor to chaos theory?

Matthew writes about discovering a Sazerac cocktail. I've never heard of it either.

I found this weird picture here:

So sad!

This links to Nudist Trampolining. Don't worry, it's totally work safe! Well, maybe 98% work safe.

Finally, we have this:

Missile tests over New Mexico. Yes, it's very pretty. Yes, it's kind of freaky!

That's all for this week. I hope you have fun wasting time with these - remember, surfing the Internets is best done while you're supposed to be working! Nobody reads those TPS reports anyway!

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9 Comments:

Blogger Roxy said...

excellente, as usual!

15/7/06 9:30 PM  
Blogger Sleestak said...

I love Rapture Ready. So many of their cutesy signatures contain demonic images, etc and they are oblivious to it (talking cats, fairies, etc).

How many years they been waiting for the rapture now? 2000?

16/7/06 4:00 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

I dunno, I think it looks like Yvonne Craig in the face. Maybe it's the Dick Van Dyke show-era Mary Tyler Moore bob that's throwing you off?

And wait, someone named Lemuria is from Atlantis? Is there also a Lemurian woman named Atlantia to balance it all out?

16/7/06 7:35 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

It's definitely the hair cut that's messing with me. I keep seeing Marlo Thomas or even Mary Tyler Moore, even though I know it's Yvonne Craig. Freaky!

Well, Sleestak, good things come to those who wait, you know!

16/7/06 10:19 AM  
Blogger sonia said...

Thanks for the link.

That nudist trampoline joke was hilarious. And that Kate Hudson story too. So according to her, only 'men like sex'... Maybe that's why she is divorcing, not because her hubby likes porn...

Excellent blog, Greg. I am linking to it.

17/7/06 7:05 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

Thanks, Sonia. I saw your blog a while ago over at Ashley's, and I've been reading since then. I don't agree with everything you write, but it's certainly interesting!

17/7/06 7:34 AM  
Anonymous yazil said...

unidentified poorly-dressed person:
her name is belinda. She is a mexican celebrity. I thought you really wanted to know.

17/7/06 9:31 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

Thanks, Yazil. They called her Belinda at the site, but didn't give any more information about her. I thought they were just making up a name!

Good to see you're still alive. You're not answering e-mail these days, young lady????

17/7/06 9:42 PM  
Anonymous yazil melendez said...

I have not recieved and email from you. Anyway I am doing very good. I recently graduated from Apollo college and work as a medical assistant in Surprise. I love my job! I cant wait to go back to school next year. This time it will be for EMT. My daughter recently turned 2. What have you been up to? How is the family? I stopped doing the blogger thing and moved on to myspace. Its a lot cooler than this j/k!!

18/7/06 10:27 PM  

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