Delenda Est Carthago

Why not delve into a twisted mind? Thoughts on the world, history, politics, entertainment, comics, and why all shall call me master!

Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!


Yes, people entered my contest, and LO! there are winners!

Hey! It's April 1, which means I weighed myself this morning. I'm down to 219 pounds, which means I lost 4 pounds in March and 15 pounds so far this year. I also consulted a nutritionist on Monday and I'm on a high-fiber, low-fat diet to clean out my liver! I love getting old!

It's also the day I announce the winners of my Scurvy Dogs Free Giveaway! Yes, I picked two people. So sue me. I just couldn't decide. I will show you their entries, and you too will be unable to decide!

First, Harvey Jerkwater (what did your mother do to you, Harvey?) of Filing Cabinet of the Damned, a very interesting blog. Harvey doesn't post as much as some of us (he presumably has a life), but he always has something interesting to say. Here's his entry, in all its glory:

Hark'ee, ya lubberly swab!

This be Harvey Jerkwater, cap'n of the Bretheren, plunderer of Maracaibo, an' the sole man 'pon this earth ta whom the title "dread" can be attached rightfully. For the dangers of Ol' Harv go far beyond the pungency of me carcass!

... which, aye, be enough to blind King Neptune hisself.

Yaahr, the volume ye dub "Scurvy Dogs" be mine by right. What damn'd jack tar can match the tales of Cap'n Harvey Jerkwater?

Avast! Dast ye deny the prize to the dog who brought cutlass to bear 'gainst the Pirate King of Malay? The cap'n who drove his sloop through the bitter seas of the Barbary Coast to plunder the diamond caves of Salty Larry, the man-eating squid, who sucks the blood from still-livin' sailors and catches cannonballs in 'is beak?

Yaahr, the guns of Harvey Jerkwater shook the palaces of the Hindoo princes and shivered the masts of 'is Majesty's men o' war across the seas, with nary a scratch to show for it! The king of Spain would give the teeth from his own queen's mouth to see Ol' Harv dance the hempen jig, yet still I sail free.

The streets of Madagascar whisper of the night ol' Harv met the Devil in the flesh. They sez that Ol' Nick gave Harvey a tankard of grog and an offer to cap'n the ships of the damned come Judgment Day.

They sez that Scratch offered Harv the world and more, in return for his black and mangy soul.

"After oll," sez Nick, "your scabrous soul will be mine soon either way. So what sez ye, ye magnificent bastard?"

They sez that the Cap'n's reply made the skies blacken and fire burst forth from the seas. For ol' Harv, a'fear'd of neither man, beast, nor stygian fiend, swung his boot into the Devil's manhood, cracking the Devil's cackle fruits. Ol' Harv stood atop the weepin' Devil and sez Harvey Jerkwater sails under no colors save his own, and that when his own time comes, he'll loot the cities of Hell just as he done with those of earth.

Whether that story be true or nae, only Harvey and Ol' Scratch know for certain, and I ain't talkin'. Ye be welcome to ask the Devil, should you meet 'im.

Deny such a man a prize like "Scurvy Dogs," and on yer own head be it. For it will be mine.

As me pappy said, "Pirate comics be the life's blood of the freebooter. Ne'er turn from one, be they from EC, CrossGen, or AiT-Planet Larrrrr."

Yes, he used the words "cackle fruit." Them's good eating!

And then there's the mysteriously named N Leggatt, who not only wrote a sea shanty, but provided this link to a pee-your-pants funny story in McSweeney's. Plus, he occasionally checks out my other blog (that didn't win him the contest, but it is a plug for my other blog). Here's his masterpiece:

Now Jack was sailor, he strode up and down
And she was a damsel, nut-skinned and brown
Says she to Jack, Now I've been around
And for a six penny piece you can look up me gown
Says Jack to himself, Now what can this be
But some fresh hussy from Upton-On-Sea?
In mesh stockings and a tight little dress,
And the name she goes by is Blue Stocking Bess.

So Jack says to himself, just for a joke
I'll give this plump bawd a bloody good poke
And he hands her a coin, a shiny new pound
And thus in a trice she whipped off her gown
And there in a lane, small dark and humble
Jack gave the damsel a jolly good tumble
He gave her his all and she gave no less,
And the name she went by was Blue Stocking Bess.

So Jack left the damsel as glad as could be
And went back to ship to set off to sea
But six months later Jack rued his desire
For when he did piss, 'twas like a sharp fire
And poor old Jack saw no reason to larf
Lying on his bunk, doing nothing but barf
The once so proud Jack a weak, sweaty mess
And the one to blame was Blue Stocking Bess.

So now ye young sailors take warning by Jack
Remember his tale when bemoaning your lack
Of the company of girls of the night
For damsels, though fresh faced, can give a fright
When months later, your manhood all torn
You're regretting the day you was ever born
And your fellow sailors won't have to guess
Your troubles, they came from Blue Stocking Bess.

Ah, cautionary tales about STDs! Now, you may argue that N didn't tell me why he should own Scurvy Dogs, but I looked at the rules, and I didn't really specify, and come on - this shanty is really stinkin' good.

So that's it. Thanks to everyone who entered - Ian wrote like a modern-day pirate, stealing stuff off the Internet. Check out his blog - it's always entertaining! My pal Roxy wrote an excellent shanty of her own. She also has an interesting blog, although she also has a life and therefore doesn't update as much as a loser like me. Rick Gebhardt offered the longest pirate scream on this side of the Atlantic. You may say - well, he typed it, so of course it was the longest! You people - no imagination! There were other entries, and I thank you all. If you didn't win, I would still recommend buying Scurvy Dogs - I swear it will make your sides ache with laughter!


Blogger Roxy said...

Anyone who can use the words "cackle fruit" or talk about the fiery burning of a ill-begotten penis parasite deserves to win the contest... I realize for your next challenge I must spend some more time....

so, what will the next challenge be?

I will check out Scurvy Dogs...

1/4/05 5:42 PM  
Anonymous N said...

Wow! I mean, Arrrr! All those entries, and little old me won! I'm shocked and gratified. Thanks for an enjoyable contest.

1/4/05 8:25 PM  

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