Delenda Est Carthago

Why not delve into a twisted mind? Thoughts on the world, history, politics, entertainment, comics, and why all shall call me master!

Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

I plan on being the supreme dictator of the country, if not the world. Therefore, you might want to stay on my good side. Just a hint: ABBA rules!


Top Ten Day: My favorite hair metal videos

Ah, the 1980s. A great time to be a suburban American lad. The streets were safe, the girls used lots of hair spray, the television shows were full of virile men toting large guns, and the bands wore more make-up than the school slut and played aggressive, in-your-face metal but could also show their sensitive sides. Yes, it was the age of HAIR METAL! What red-blooded teenaged boy could resist? And lo, Kip Winger spoke unto us, telling us that seventeen might be too young for the girl's father, but she's old enough for him; David Coverdale showed us that the safest way to drive is with a redhead half your age Frenching you while dangling out the window; and Slaughter explained that it was best to be up all night while sleeping all day. The videos, of course, made hair metal and even, somewhat, destroyed it. But for almost a decade (let's say 1983-1991), hair bands ruled the world. And I was along for the ride. Until Nirvana ruined it all!

I could probably list 100 of my favorite hair metal videos, but let's stick to ten, shall we? (I should probably point out that some of these videos aren't of the best sound quality, and the lip-syncing on one is really horrible. But that's what you get from YouTube, unfortunately!)

Cinderella, "Nobody's Fool." This isn't the best Cinderella song, but it might be the best video. Tom Keifer and the guys are in full hair metal mode, the "story" of the video, in which a girl transforms into a modern-day Cinderella, is awesome, and it features the guitar twirl! How can you not love it?

Def Leppard, "Rock of Ages." The chick strapped to a tree. The burning tree. The gloved hand crushing a wine glass. The hooded apparitions speaking what sounds like German. An ass shot of lead guitarist Phil Collen! What an awesome video. What a great song. (I guess technically the guys' hair wasn't really poofy until Hysteria in 1987, but I consider Pyromania a seminal "hair metal" album, even if the hair is only long and not high. That, and the songs on Pyromania are far better than those on Hysteria.)

Great White, "Once Bitten, Twice Shy." This is a very good song (of course, it's a cover of an old Mott the Hoople song), with that great piano part and a pretty cool guitar solo. I like the video, even though it's just a standard "performance" video, because the lead singer, Jack Russell, is so stinkin' ugly, but you know he was getting laid every night, and I liked the girls (of course). I always thought the girl second from the right when they're all singing (whose breasts get their own close-up near the end) was smokin' hot. Come on - I was 18!

Mötley Crüe, "Home Sweet Home." Is this the greatest power ballad ever? It's in the conversation. This might not be my favorite Crüe song (that's probably "Wildside"), but it's close. But this song and video are so classic, with all the elements of a great concert video - notably, girls crawling on the stage and taking their tops off! Man, the Eighties ruled!

Queensryche, "Eyes of a Stranger." I love this song, off an album that might be the best heavy metal album of the Eighties. Geoff Tate, rocking the hair, screams the lyrics, and the video is part of the whole "concept album" thing that Queensryche had going on with Operation: Mindcrime. And you must love guitarist Michael Wilton's awesome hat!

Skid Row, "I Remember You." This is one of those great pseudo-ballads by a hair metal, meaning it's somewhat sensitive but still features kick-ass guitars and a bit of a scream. There's a reason they were called "power ballads," because they were muscular love songs, man! Sebastian Bach, of course, was the pretty boy front man of Skid Row, and although he was probably scoring four or five groupies a day, at least he was good-looking, unlike a lot of these rockers! This video must have been cribbed from a karaoke screen, because it has helpful lyrics!

Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher." Another song that isn't the greatest, but you have to love the video! David Lee driving the bus, the guys in their school days, the ending that shows where they all ended up (Edward van Halen was "relaxing" in Bellevue Mental Ward), and, of course, the hot teachers!

Warrant, "Cherry Pie." I can't defend this song. In fact, I don't even like it that much. But this video is the perfect epitome of the age: slightly feminine guys, skanky hot chicks, big hair (of course!), rockin' guitars, and totally juvenile sex puns. Sing along!

Whitesnake, "Still of the Night." Of course, Whitesnake is famous for their "Here I Go Again" video, with Tawny Kitaen writhing around on a Jaguar, but I like this song more (despite the fact that it rips off Zeppelin), and the video features Tawny as well. So who can complain?

Winger, "Seventeen." Ah, Kip. What a pretty boy. I love this video, even though it's a standard "performance" video, because Kip treats his bass like a prop, only occasionally pretending to play it, and the fact that he studied ballet makes this a really odd video, as he dances around much more gracefully than you might expect. And his poor shirt doesn't survive the video. Too bad!

There are, of course, way too many great videos to mention. Krys and I were just sitting here spitballing, and I had to stop before I listed another 10. But, while I was trolling YouTube, I thought of a bonus, which definitely doesn't count as "hair metal," because Rob Halford didn't have any hair! Fear the magic finger of Rob Halford! Fear it!

All right, that's enough. I'm having way too much fun. What are your favorite hair metal videos? Don't be shy - we know you loved them all!

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