The strange tale of the Goldfish crackers

Look! It's an innocuous package of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers! But some of you, who don't have children or can't handle the cheddary baked goodness of Goldfish crackers, might not know that this package has a dark side ...


First, here is the side of the bag, featuring one of the goldfish inside. Her name is Brooke. The first thing we learn about her is that her flavor is Parmesan. Then we learn that her "achievements" include most likely to be the first goldfish president. Let's consider this.

Okay, they named the food you're about to eat. Then they give her a flavor. Her achievement is not an achievement at all. And, of course, her achievement will never come to pass, because soon we're going to eat her! That's pretty traumatic.


Then we go to the back, where there is a maze. The instructions tell us to help Brooke and her friends get "back to their home under the bed." What the hell? What are goldfish - crackers or otherwise - doing living under my bed? I don't get this at all, and I think my brain might explode if I think about it too much.

If you happen to have a bag of Goldfish crackers, you can go to this web site, enter the code from the front of the bag (which I think is under the sell-by date, because it's the only thing that looks like a code), and "unlock special secrets about the Goldfish world under the bed." I will not be doing that, because I fear what I might learn.

Pepperidge Farm is freaking me out. They should stop doing that.