What have we learned - Wild card weekend

With me, flattery will get you ... well, not everywhere, a lesson I learned back in '91 during the incident with the electric eels, the flypaper, and that Dubuque transvestite, Lana Mossity, but at least somewhere. So when Tom said nice things about my football rants last week, I decided to keep them going through the Super Bowl. See? I respond to requests from you, the peanut gallery! So, let's check out last weekend's game, of which I watched only a little:

Washington at Tampa. I don't like either team, so I didn't care who won, but let me tell you - Tampa got hosed. Okay, apparently the ruling on the non-touchdown was technically correct, but I wonder why. It's pretty obvious that the receiver had control of the ball with two feet down in the end zone. It looked like he still had control when his knee hit the ground. Only after that did the ball come loose. I understand that in the field of play a receiver needs to make a "football move" for it to be a catch, and after that it's a fumble, but in the end zone, shouldn't it just be two feet down and control? After that, who cares what happens? Anyway, they blew a bunch of other opportunities, including the play right after the non-touchdown, during which the receiver was wide open and Simms missed him. I hate Maguire and Theismann as announcers, by the way (I've probably mentioned this before). On the non-touchdown, Maguire said something like "That's as good a pass as I've ever seen in the history of the NFL." Really, Paul? A pass into single coverage over the defender straight down the field? Really? If Simms can't make that pass, he doesn't deserve to be playing in the league. On the next play, when Simms missed a wide open receiver, I didn't hear Maguire say anything about how bad Simms was. Idiot. And if Taylor spit on that guy, he should be suspended for the next game. I don't care how much it would hurt Washington - maybe he should have thought of that before spitting on Pittman. Again, the ESPN guys were all over Mike Carey (the ref) for throwing Taylor out of the game - saying what a horrible call it was and that he was just standing and Pittman hit him. I was saying to Krys (she didn't care, but she was the only one there) that they didn't know the whole story, and maybe Taylor said something that caused Pittman's reaction and they should shut up until they heard what happened. So of course they heard what happened, but they didn't shut up. Too often announcers feel the need to talk all the time. Shut up sometimes, guys. We get it.

Jacksonville at New England. Hey, Jaguars - if you want respect, you might want to play better. I didn't watch much of this game, because it was at night and we were putting the kids to bed. New England, however, is getting scary - I told you they would be! Denver better watch out. I heard last week, from Beano Cook of all people, that Pete Rozelle used to tell the networks that they could not put playoff games on at night. Remember when a sports commissioner had balls? Tagliabue has completely given the game over to television. Screw the fans who have to sit through the freezing cold! If you had two games, one in Tampa and one in Foxboro, and you had to put one on at night, which one would you choose? Correct - the one in Tampa! Stupid networks. Stupid NFL for bending over for them. Exhume Rozelle! A Rozelle zombie would make a cool commissioner.

Carolina at New York. Everyone kept talking about how much Eli Manning had improved this year and how he kept leading fourth-quarter comebacks. He had, what, one? I'm so glad Carolina said we're going to stop Tiki, and screw Eli. They stopped Tiki, and Eli couldn't do anything. And Plaxico Burress sure disappeared, didn't he? Zero catches. There's a reason why teams like Pittsburgh are good - they make good personnel decisions. I'm sure Eli will be better next year - I hope not, because I don't like punks who won't go to the teams that draft them - but this year, he didn't have it. I smiled while watching this game.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati. Woody isn't feeling too great today, because his Bengals lost, but more importantly, Carson Palmer went down badly and tore ligaments in his knee. Not pleasant. I have a feeling Cincinnati would have lost anyway, because their defense just isn't that good if they don't get turnovers. Palmer would probably have made it much closer, but at the end of the day, I think the Steelers still win. If Palmer recovers (unfortunately, a big "if"), the Bengals have a bright future. This morning, Woody Paige and Skip Bayless both said the hit on Palmer was dirty. Do these guys even know anything about momentum? If you look at the play, even in slow motion, it's pretty obvious that von Olhoffen fell down and happened to fall into Palmer's knee. Yes, he tries to brace himself and that may have made it worse, but I can't even begin to see how anyone could think it was a dirty hit. Maybe I'm just naïve. Maybe Kimo was really mad at Palmer because Palmer asked out his momma. I don't know, but it looked like a clean play. Today on Mike and Mike in the Morning they were discussing whether sports fans want the star from the other team to get injured. I can honestly say I have never wanted that. I've often wanted two teams that I hate (say, if Nebraska played Miami for the National Championship) to disappear into a black hole that is localized right over the stadium in which they play, but I don't think I've ever wished ill on a specific player. I just want my team to win. Anyway, good season for the Bengals, but we'll see if it leads to anything, especially now that the franchise QB is in trouble.

We had some very good college football games last week, especially (and surprisingly) the BCS games. I was so happy that Notre Dame got whacked (yes, they only lost - really - by a touchdown, but they still got whacked), because I don't like Notre Dame and thought they were overrated all year. They play Penn State in the opener next year - I'm already scared, even though I think the Lions have a good chance. Georgia took West Virginia a bit lightly in the Sugar Bowl and was punished. I loved the fake punt call by the Mountaineers near the end of the game, but why were the Bulldogs all running away from the line? WVU had only four men on the line and the three blockers behind the line, and they were all spaced out. You have to assume the punt is going into the end zone anyway, and your offense has been playing well, so why not go all out to block it? The punter had to pick up about five yards, and he was standing fifteen yards behind the line of scrimmage, so he had to run 20 yards before he could get the first down. No one touched him. Great call, but inexplicable defense. Penn State got a nice win, although they should have won by a lot more. I couldn't understand Paterno's calls in overtime. Why not try to score touchdowns? When they tried, they scored one - in the second OT. It drove me nuts, because I think in the third OT he wanted his kicker out there to "build his character." Paterno is big on character-building, and he didn't want his guy - and the kid is a freshman, so he'll be back next year - brooding on two misses for months. It's a nice gesture, although it drives fans nuts. As for the Rose Bowl, well, USC had to stop one guy. One guy! And they couldn't do it. I hate Texas, so I'm already sick of hearing about them, and I have a feeling when Vince Young plays against guys who are as fast and as big as he is in the NFL things won't seem quite so easy. I don't harbor any ill will toward him, but he better get better fast, or he'll be road kill.

Next weekend: Washington finds that 120 yards of offense against Seattle just won't cut it, Carolina shows Chicago that the big boys come out in the postseason, New England turns Jake the Snake back into his old self, and ... I would flip a coin in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game. Seriously. If Pittsburgh plays like they have been playing, I would not be surprised if they win. I'm going to go with the Colts, but I won't be shocked if they go down. Then I'll be happy, because both Manning brothers can join their mediocre father on the sidelines.