"It's ALIVE!"

I set up the blog at which I will be writing my novel. It's called The Adventures of Isosceles Shaw.¹ I have only one post up there - an introduction, since we can't start writing until tomorrow. I'm very interested in feedback, so if you visit, I hope you leave comments telling me what you think and if you have any suggestions.² I will try to post here as often as I have been doing, but who knows. I will, however, link to any new post I put up over there. I welcome your encouragement. If anyone reading this is also doing the whole "novel-in-a-month" thing on-line, let me know where it is. I'm very interested in reading others' efforts.

Thanks. You may continue with your own lives now.

¹ Yes, I know it's a lame title. I came up with the name of my main character first, but since I haven't done any plotting, I couldn't come up with a good name. That will be the last thing I think of, so for now, that's the title.
² Suggestions like "You suck, why don't you amputate your fingers so you can never type again" will be ignored. You can't stop me from writing!

What have we learned - Week 8

Ugh. We learned that Andy Reid needs to be beaten with something heavy. He's a big guy, so it needs to be heavy or he wouldn't feel it. Ugh.

Anyway, how about your favorite psychic calling the San Francisco win? That's why they pay me the big bucks. So really, what have we learned?

I love Andy Reid, but I place the blame for the Eagles' poor season so far squarely on his shoulders. He called 11 passing plays and 1 running play in their first 12 plays. McNabb was 0-for-10 with one scramble for 1 yard. The running play picked up 3 yards. Yes, 12 plays, 10 incompletions, 4 yards, 4 punts. No wonder Denver was up in that game 21-0 early! The Broncos were blitzing on every play, and McNabb couldn't get a pass off. You know what slows down the blitz? Running the freakin' ball! I was so angry at that game. The owner needs to tell Andy Reid that in next week's game, if he doesn't run the ball twice as much as pass, win or lose, he gets fired. That's it. Denver looked pretty stinkin' good, I'll say that much. See what happens when you can run the ball and your quarterback doesn't do anything stupid? Good things, that's what.

The Arizona-Dallas game told us nothing about how good the Cowboys are. They're not bad, but who knows when you play the Cardinals. I cannot figure out why the Cardinals can't win. They have tried everything in the past 17 years or so. It's a mystery. The Cowboys get a week off and then they play the Eagles in Philly on Monday night. I'm reserving judgment about them until then.

Raiders-Titans was another brutally boring game. I watched about five minutes of it. It ended up being more exciting than it had any right to be, but I still wasn't watching.

I also called the Houston win, because I figured they had to win some game, and why not this one? I still don't think David Carr is the answer in Houston, but he got the job done yesterday. I think Dilfer gets one more game in Cleveland and then they go to Charlie Frye. Why not? Dilfer just isn't getting it done.

I completely missed the boat on the Washington-New York game. I thought the Giants would ride the emotion of Wellington Mara's death for a quarter, but then the Washington defense would take control. They just got run right out of the Meadowlands. I watched for a while in the first quarter, and Washington looked like they just didn't want to be there. On the radio this morning everyone is talking about how good the Giants are. Hey, New York - win a game on the road. Technically they have a road win, but it was against the Saints in New Jersey. Eli Manning still hasn't won a game on the road, so don't tell me they're the class of the division just yet. They have the talent, but they have to win on the road.

My friend Mike loves the Rams, so he's always watching their games. Yesterday he pointed out that the Jaguars ran for well over 200 yards on the porous St. Louis defense, but the Rams kept getting breaks because Jacksonville would inexplicably start throwing the ball. That's why Jacksonville isn't an elite team yet. You can bet Bill Cowher wouldn't have abandoned the run. He would have kept piling it up. St. Louis dodged a huge bullet because at weird times, the Jaguars went for big plays. And hey, look - the Rams have a running game and it's working for them! I said it a few weeks ago, and I'm sticking to it - I feel bad for Mike Martz, but I thought the Rams would be better without him.

How about that Green Bay team and their sucky quarterback? Five picks for Nancy-Boy Favre is too few in my book. Yes, the Bengals should be worried about this game because they should have blown the Pack right out of the building and only beat them by a touchdown, but a win is a win, and Cincinnati continues to beat the teams they should - the crappy ones. One of these days they're going to have to beat a good team, but as long as they're beating the crappy teams, the victory against the good team will come at some point. And everyone is ragging on the guy who ran onto the field. Sure, he was a tool, but to blame Green Bay's loss on him, as Woody Paige did on ESPN this morning, is crap. Green Bay lost that game all on their own. Five interceptions for Nancy-Boy = sweet.

I didn't watch any of the Miami-New Orleans game, because it was on at the same time as the Eagles game and when I got sick of that, I turned the television off. I thought the Saints would show up for their first game in Louisiana. I was wrong. Their owner tried to beat up a cameraman from a New Orleans television station after the game, which was kind of funny. He shows more spunk than his team, I'll tell you that much.

LaDanian Tomlinson might be the best quarterback on his team. That's pretty sad. San Diego got out to a quick lead on Kansas City and cruised. This was a pretty good game, even though I missed most of it. From what I saw, the teams were really smacking each other around. The Chiefs should probably learn how to tackle. Just a suggestion.

Well, San Francisco won by kicking five field goals and playing good defense. Whenever I turned it on, Tampa had the ball and the 49ers were bashing Chris Sims. It wasn't pretty, but it got the job done. San Francisco has no talent whatsoever, but they can play hard, especially at home. Tampa = pretenders. Sorry, Gruden.

I watched one snap of last night's game. I was busy with children and cranky from the afternoon's outcome. Bruschi didn't die, so I guess that's something. I really hope the Patriots smack the Colts next week, even though I don't think it's going to happen.

College football gave us some interesting games. Penn State and Wisconsin won easily, setting up the big showdown next week which will probably determine the winner of the Big Ten. Texas looked horrible for the first half, but I knew they would win anyway, because Oklahoma State had a couple of chances to put even more points on the board and they didn't take advantage. It's lucky for Penn State that Michigan sucked earlier in the year, because the Wolverines look like they're putting it together, but it might be too late. UCLA somehow scored three touchdowns in the final 8 minutes to tie Stanford, eventually beating them in OT. I like the Bruins, but even though the game was on the road, you can't get down to Stanford like that. I was so mad at Maryland for blowing the game against Florida State, because every game that Bobby Bowden loses is a good one. Things are shaking out, as they usually do, with undefeated teams losing (this week it was Georgia's turn), but I still have a feeling we'll have AT LEAST three unbeaten teams after the regular season, if not four (Alabama can still run the table). That would be awesome. Any time the BCS gets screwed is a good time for me.

With the decline of the Patriots and Eagles, this NFL season is really shaping up nicely (well, except for fans of those two teams, me included), because who knows who's good? At least it means that when Philadelphia comes to the desert to play Arizona on Christmas Eve, a game for which I have tickets, it will mean something and all their regulars will play. That's something, I guess. And today on ESPN, Skip Bayless said that Ray Lewis was punking out of the game tonight because he didn't want to have to deal with Pittsburgh's running game. Jay Crawford said he was a brave man for calling out Ray Lewis like that. It was the closest thing I have heard in a long time to what I would do if I were a play-by-play man, and that is call Ray Lewis a murderer on every play. Funny stuff. But true. Ray Lewis is a big bully who runs to his mommy if someone stands up to him.

The final pictures of my grand journey to the bottom of the world!

Well, gentle readers, it had to end sometime. Yes, today I will post the final pictures I took on my voyage to Australia and New Zealand. Don't cry, good folk! The last round brings to you one of the wackiest things I've ever done. And it's captured on film!

I mentioned last week that we went from Napier to Taupo, in the middle of the North Island. Here's the map, one last time:


Taupo is a kind of sports resort place. Lots of people go there to do all sorts of extreme sporting events. So, because I am but a follower, I needed to do some extreme sporting-type thing myself! And because it's New Zealand, I decided to do that wonderful thing that New Zealanders invented: I went bungee jumping!
 
 
 
 
Yes, that's me, not a stunt double. If you haven't gone bungee jumping, I highly recommend it. It's absolutely unbelievably excellent. I used to have a videotape of the incident, but my sister taped over it when she tried to play it, as she hit the wrong button on the VCR. I always say, if you're not smarter than the equipment, you probably shouldn't use it.

Taupo is also famous because of the hot springs right outside of town. These bubble up to the surface and do all sorts of nasty things to the landscape, and one such area is called "The Craters of the Moon" because of the steam rising from the earth making everything look very alien. My friends and I wanted to go out to see them, but we had no transportation. It was the first and only time I ever hitchhiked, and as I was with three attractive young women, we got picked up pretty easily by two guys in car, who also happened to have the ditziest girl I have ever met with them. She talked the entire drive, and I have blotted out most of what she said, but it had a lot to do with drinking and not remembering anything the next day (she was a college student from Hawaii, of all places). Anyway, we got out to the Craters. They were neat:
 
 

Here are the ladies I was traveling with. That's Cindy, Theresa, and Lisa.
 
 

Finally, it was time to leave Taupo. I had an earlier flight than my traveling companions, so I left a day before they did. Here I am, ready to leave. Check out my groovy Akubra hat. I love that hat.
 
 
I'm wearing my Polish watch. That is to say, it's a watch with the numbers written in Polish on the face - it was made here. My Polish grandmother bought me that watch, and I love it. I still have it, but for some reason it never works anymore. I don't care - I'm keeping it because it's neat-o.

I returned to Auckland, which is NOT the capital of New Zealand, as I mentioned a few weeks ago because I'm stupid, but it is the largest "city" in the country. I use the term "city" loosely, because it's smaller than a lot of suburbs here. It's still a nice town. The weather, apparently, is like this a lot.
 
 

Then I flew home. Here I am back at my house in beautiful Warminster, PA. Ready for six weeks off before my senior year of college starts. I didn't have to get a job because the time was too short. This would be the final six weeks of my life when I had absolutely no responsibilities. Good times.
 
 

So those are my pictures from Australia and New Zealand. I hoped you enjoyed them. Next week it's back in the U.S.A., as I head for the exotic wilds of ... Pittsburgh! There's nothing crazier than the Steel City!

Ugandan dictators, hypocritical Republicans, hardcore nature, and milk ... to the extreme! It must be the return of the links!

It's been a few weeks since I had time to surf the Internet, so the links have been missing, but today they're back! Unfortunately, I know that they will be missing for all of November, because I'm writing a novel in 30 days. Go do it yourself here! So I will not have any time to cruise around the Internet - I'll be writing 50,000 words (or trying to).

Before we begin, some fun stuff: today I was watching college football while I was putting this post together, and the Washington State-USC game was on. Bob Griese said, in the space of a few seconds, "I think he pulled out too soon" and that Matt Leinart "throws a high hard one." I know, it's juvenile, but those statements cracked me up.

Have you seen the new commercial for motor oil with Danica Patrick? I saw it a few days ago, and Krys saw it today. It's hilarious - Ms. Patrick is dressed in fancy finery with her hair all wind-blown talking about how great the oil is. In only one brief shot is she in her racing gear. That's right - they're using sex appeal to sell motor oil. It's awesome.

All right, let's get to the links!

First, let's go random with the "Next Blog" button. Where would we be without it?

Very random musings.

A Portuguese (maybe Spanish, but the language looks like Portuguese) guy in Japan. He has a picture of a Japanese girl licking what looks like a cell phone, which is mildly interesting.

The blog of a teenager in Asia (Malaysia, maybe?). The usual poor spelling and lots of slang.

Serious Christian blog. It's called Under His Wings, for crying out loud!

17-year-old Canadian girl's blog. It's called You Know You Love Me. Read at your own risk!

International news. You must know about the world around us!

A Texas businessman is seeking the Haitian presidency. This isn't as crazy as it sounds - he's from Haiti. However, even if you're Haitian, why would you want to be president?

Andrew Sullivan points out that Bush has something in common with the dictator of Uganda: they don't like gay marriage. It was just banned in Uganda.

Brent Scowcroft, former chief of staff to Colin Powell, says we've had 50 years of peace in the Middle East with dictators running things. Now, while it's nice that an insider is criticizing the case for war in Iraq, I question what his definition of "peace" is. I saw this first at The Cranky Professor.

Politics closer to home. Because while we're busy screwing up the world, we might as well screw up America as well!

Today's fiscally responsible Republicans: We'll just borrow the money to pay for everything!

Speaking of those fiscally responsible Republicans, they're cutting lots o' social programs, don't you know. There is an EXCELLENT quote by our president included. See if you can spot it!

Another reason why I love politics: Two strangely contradictory quotes from Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson. She couldn't be talking about a Democrat in the first instance and a Republican in the second, could she? No, a crime is a crime, isn't it?

Newark, NJ, pays a newspaper to publish only good news about the city. I've been to Newark. This is not a bad idea.

Bush's presidency is OVER! Yeah, I know, you hadn't heard the news. This essay explains why.

Would you believe that Tom DeLay supports horrible things in the Pacific Rim? I know, it's shocking.

Brit Hume says the casualties in Iraq are "negligible." You know, technically he's correct, but what a stupid thing to say and word to use. This is from Road to Surfdom.

Comic book junk. Who doesn't like the comic books?

Chris talks about badass panels in The Question. Believe you me, they are badass.

Because he can, Tom Peyer brings us Zebra Batman:
 
 

Speaking of fun old stuff, Sleestak has Golden Lad:
 
Warren Ellis needs to write the mini-series! 

Interesting article (with links!) about comics as a cultural force.

A link to the top ten graphic novels.

Gary gives us his Batman pitch. Because it's interesting, there's no way DC would ever let him write it (even if he was a big-time comic writer, which he's not).

Scipio always finds the hidden haiku in comics. Hal Jordan needs some action:
 
 

Hey, Stan Lee should sue: They found Captain America! This is from Ace of Spades.

Scott shows us the wackiness of Lois Lane. Remember wacky Lois?

T. reviews Wanted in two parts. Very interesting, and it really crystallizes why I don't read Mark Millar books anymore.

Hey, I have a new column about Comics You Should Own! Batman 452-454 by Peter Milligan, Kieron Dwyer, and Dennis Janke. But you already own them, right?

Fun stuff. At least I hope it's funny for you, because you all deserve to laugh now and then.

I'm sure most of you have seen this, but the White House is cranky that The Onion is using the Presidential Seal. Because they have nothing better to do, I guess.

Notes from Ann Coulter's editor. So true, so true.

Bill watches public access television and you reap the benefits of his wisdom.

Do the Republicans know how icky nature is? I mean, come on:
 
There are other examples at the link. 

Raising children and the joys that go with it.

An eternal truth from the mouth of a child.

Mr. Nice Guy explains that the love affair between parent and child begins at four months, and ends at five months.

A child has committed a horrific crime! Whodunit? Learn the sordid tale!

Miscellaneous Signs of the Apocalypse. Run for the hills!

Halle Berry's big secret! I was going to steal the picture, but it's much more visceral if you click on the link.

A fan asks Paul McCartney's permission to propose to his girlfriend. If I was his girlfriend and I found out he needed McCartney's permission, I'd say no. Do I really want to marry a loser who can't make up his mind?

Kelvin Green looks at what Americans deem offensive in art and entertainment. I'll give you a choice as to what we think is "bad for children": bullet holes in foreheads or female nipples. You make the call!

Here's a charming story of a rape victim who can't get the "morning after pill" in Tucson. Because of, you know, moral reasons. Things like this piss me off so much. I found this on Donklephant.

Because of a poorly worded anti-gay amendment, it turns out that Texas wants to ban ALL marriage. Is Texas too easy a target? I got this from Ones and Zeroes.

A Roman Catholic high school orders students to stop having personal blogs. Because telling kids they can't do something always works. Seriously, this is idiotic. The kids seem to think so, too.

Jesus was not a Republican links to some crazy remarks about gays and AIDS from a youth minister speaking at a high school. Of course, we also have his defense. You be the judge who we should believe!

What do you know? An anti-Semitic poem has been published in a children's poetry book that is being distributed throughout the United Kingdom. The poem is written from the point of view of Hitler. The editor says they aren't willing to censor this kid, which is almost the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I got this from Ahistoricality via Respectful Insolence.

Other miscellaneous. Come back from the hills!

I don't know if you've seen the new milk commercial, but it's funny. It pokes fun at Major League Baseball's drug policy, and of course, MLB is angry about it. Maybe if they had a good drug testing policy the milk people wouldn't make fun of it. You think?

Lyle points to the story of people using the Lost numbers to play Powerball. They didn't win. That would have been too freaky.

Woody! links to sexy Halloween costumes (they call them "adult," but let's face it - they're "sexy"). Okay, maybe it's too late for this year, but what young lady wouldn't want to show up to work in, say, the middle of April wearing the slutty Rainbow Brite costume?


What's the beauty of Sirius satellite radio? People with no lives can listen to a station that plays only Bruce Springsteen music. He's not the only one, either - you can have an all-Elvis and/or all-Rolling Stones station. Why oh why would you want this? I can't even see my old friend Patti, who LOVED Springsteen, getting this.

It's ancient porn! And because it's thousands of years old, it's not icky, it's, you know, classy. This is from Superblog!!, where there's a link to a giant phallus. Truly, truly wild.

Do you want to be a Marvel superhero? Sure you do! So make sure you drink ... extreme milk!

It's ... (wait for it!) ... the Shaft theme in Middle English! Good stuff. I found this at Another Damned Medievalist.

Is this the scariest movie poster ever? Sleestak thinks so.

Everyone already knows this, but it's still stunning: Sulu is gay. I know I couldn't believe it.

The Phantom Scribbler is a Googlewhack. If you don't know what that is, click the link!

I hope you like the links. As I mentioned, I'm trying to write a novel next month. More information in the next few days, because I want to do it on a blog, but might simply write it off-line. We'll see.

Tomorrow: the very last bunch of pictures from my travels to Australia and New Zealand! How exciting!

Friday means football predictions!

Well, I know my blog-reading public desires to know who they can count on to win this weekend's football games, so I oblige. Serve 'em up!

Last week I was 9-5, meaning I'm 49-39 for the year. I haven't had that break-out week when I pick 11 or 12 right. Damn.

DALLAS (-9) 26, Arizona 14. The Cardinals on the road? The Cardinals on the road? If they were playing the Aggies of Delaware Valley College on the road, I might pick them. Might.
Washington (+2) 20, NEW YORK GIANTS 17. Tough game to pick. The Giants should be emotionally ready to win one for their dead owner, Wellington Mara, but I'm taking the Washingtonians. I hope they tie, actually. Can't they both lose?
CINCINNATI (-9) 35, Green Bay 27. Chad Johnson cracks me up. He said that the bad news is that Al Harris has to cover him, but the good news is he can save a bunch of money on insurance by switching to Geico. Now that's funny. The Bengals are good against crappy teams. The Pack, happily, is a crappy team.
DETROIT (-3) 17, Chicago 14. The Lions are at home, and Garcia is apparently the QB for them. Neither team is very good.
CAROLINA (-7.5) 24, Minnesota 10. The Vikings on the road are almost as crappy as the Cardinals on the road.
Oakland 24, TENNESSEE 20 (no line). Steve McNair will probably start. However, the Titans still aren't that good. It appears the Raiders might be starting to get it together. Especially if Lamont Jordan keeps running.
HOUSTON (-2) 21, Cleveland 13. I jumped on the Browns bandwagon last weekend and got burned. The Texans get their first win! Go, Houston - this makes up for sucking in the World Series, right?
NEW ORLEANS (-2) 27, Miami 20. The Dolphins are a better team, but I think the Saints get an emotional lift by playing in Louisiana. Enough of a lift to get the win.
ST. LOUIS 23, Jacksonville 20 (no line). Marc Bulger is questionable, but I think the Rams have figured out that Steven Jackson is a decent running back who can carry a team. If Martz were still coaching, I'd take the Jaguars and their defense, but I think the Rams win at home.
SAN DIEGO (-6.5) 20, Kansas City 16. LaDanian Tomlinson can't suck two weeks in a row, can he? The Chiefs don't have the Eagles defense. It's in San Diego, so the Chargers squeak out a win.
SAN FRANCISCO (+11) 24, Tampa 17. Yes, I'm picking the 49ers! I rule! The game is in San Francisco, and Ken Dorsey is starting. Ken Dorsey isn't much better than Alex Smith, but at least he's not a rookie. Tampa will probably win this game by 30 points, but if the 49ers pull the upset, I'll look like the genius we all know I am.
DENVER (-3.5) 24, Philadelphia 20. Once again, I'll be rooting against my pick. I desperately want the Eagles to win, and I think they have a great chance, but I think they'll come up a bit short. Stupid Eagles and their lack of a running game.
NEW ENGLAND (-9) 31, Buffalo 17. The Patriots win easily. Let us hope Bruschi doesn't play, because I seriously fear for his life.
PITTSBURGH (-10) 35, Baltimore 10 (Monday night). If the Steelers don't stomp the Ravens, I'll be stunned. This is a lousy game that once looked decent. Funny how the season works out.

There you have it. Any suggestions that I might not be quite sane are welcome.

Don't these people read my blog and realize that when I'm dictator, I won't stand for this crap?

I like lawyers. I only have experience with three of them, and have employed two (the third is a divorce lawyer, so it's probably good I haven't employed him), but I have no problem with lawyers. They do a job. However, I recognize that some people have issues with them because they are leading idiots down a twisted road of litigation that will come to no good.

Today I have heard on ESPN that a bunch of people are considering suing Major League Baseball because of the roof at the Houston Astros' ballpark being open the last two nights of the World Series. They are not doing this because they think MLB cost their team the wins. The Astros screamed bloody murder because their team apparently sucks with the roof open - listen, Houston, if you can't win games with the roof open, then you don't deserve to win the title. No, these people are considering suing MLB because they got sick from the chilly weather that Houston had those nights and they weren't sufficiently prepared for it.

I wish I was making this up. These people have no access to a local news channel with a weatherperson, nor do they have access to any kind of sports outlet that had all the news about the roof being open. It's also Houston, for crying out loud! It got down to 50, apparently. Dear God, doesn't anyone realize your brain freezes at those temperatures?????

I doubt if this thing will go very far, because even these people can't be that idiotic. However, the fact that I heard of this means that all those people contemplating suing MLB would go into the camps if I were in charge. And any lawyer who takes this case would also be thrown into a hole somewhere. Yes, lawyers are just in it to make money, but there are plenty of legitimate things to make money off of. By encouraging these people, they are giving them false hope that they can get rich because they're stupid. Maybe it works for Paris Hilton, but not for most people.

When are they holding the referendum to give me supreme power? Shouldn't it be soon?

True Tales From My Childhood - "My family flees the country"

Dear readers, not all of my childhood was Slurpees and stripteases, I can assure you. Yes, my previous true tales from my childhood have been uplifting tales of my triumphs as a young man - my first time, the time I was victorious over my bedwetting problem, and when I met the girl with the hat. But my childhood has a dark side, and a part of it must be told, in response to the several thousand e-mails I received about my childhood. A sample one comes from Donald T. of New York and Atlantic City, who writes:

"O future dictator, your childhood recollections make my own rise to the top of the business and entertainment world seem easy by comparison. However, I was wondering how you, your father, and your Uncle Mac ended up on a molybdenum plantation on the northern reaches of the Irrawaddy. This story needs to be told to inspire the thousands of young capitalists who doubtlessly read your blog!"

Well, Donald T. of New York and Atlantic City, your request has found me in a reminiscing mood, so I will tell the sordid tale and my unfortunate key role in it. Please, gentle readers, try not to judge me too harshly.

It was a glorious time to be an American, I can tell you. It was a cruel winter, true, but we had a new president in the White House, one who had practiced well for the harsh reality of politics by starring in movies with chimpanzees. If you want to say he is the greatest American ever, my father and Uncle Mac would not have disagreed with you. I remember the winter so well. Admiral Nelson and the Trafalgars topped the charts with their groovy single, "I'll Never Surrender (Especially Not To Spaniards)," I won the International Nose-Picking Title, Youth Division (for best form), and I spotted my first brassiere. Now, it's true that it was worn by my Theosophy teacher, Mr. Ohlmeier, but we all have to crawl before we can walk, and I counted that as a big deal. My father and mother were still together, but unbeknownst to me, she had already started her torrid affair with the seven-fingered clown Giuseppe, a man so devoted to her that he would follow her halfway around the world and eventually steal her away from my father. I thought all was perfect in my life. Little did I know. Little did I know, gentle readers.

Uncle Mac lived across town from us, alone in his attic apartment after his mail-order Gambian wife left him to become a transsexual member of Malta's Parliament. My father was worried about him, because Uncle Mac would simply sit up in the attic, scraping off his fingernails with a file, solving impossible mathematical theorems, and dyeing his pubic hair orange. My father would smuggle puppy jerky past the overbearing landlord, Mr. Jarndyce, because Uncle Mac refused to go out for simple sustenance. On those frequent days when Mr. Jarndyce got drunk on turtle beer while watching tractor pulls on WSHT, the favorite UHF station in our area, I would sneak in to visit Uncle Mac. This was more at the insistence of my father than through any of my own desire - Uncle Mac had by now started calling me "Miranda" because he had learned of my bedwetting problem, and I still hadn't gotten used to the phenomenon of my testicles retreating into my body whenever he did - but I dutifully went, because I knew if anything happened to Uncle Mac, my father would hold me responsible and force me to sing the entire score of "Showboat" at the most popular intersection in town.

One morning, when the cruel north wind was angrily screaming through town looking for toupees to snatch away and skin to flay from bone, I gazed through Mr. Jarndyce's window and watched as he cried himself into a drunken stupor while a reel-to-reel played "Won't You Come Back To New Jersey, Sweet Ursula" by the Minstrels of the Lost Trail. Then I cautiously opened the front door and tip-toed up the stairs to the attic. My father told me I must always knock before disturbing Uncle Mac, but the haunting lyric "I gave up my seat on the bus of your heart" distracted me momentarily and I unthinkingly pushed the door open. Oh, how I wish that mynah bird had gouged my eyes out when I was three instead of simply pecking me in the ear!

There was Uncle Mac, sitting with his back to me in the center of a circle. The circle was made up of small figures. In the light of the flickering candles I couldn't make out what they were. I dropped the bag of Funions I was carrying and turned to go. My uncle heard me, though.

"That you, Miranda?"

I stammered an affirmative, and he told me to come in. I was stuck, so I had to obey. I slowly walked into the middle of the room. The candlelight was stronger there, and I saw what the figures were.

Each figure was a plastic doll. Most of them were dressed like Wonder Woman. Each doll looked like Lynda Carter. The ones that were not dressed were - how shall I put it? - anatomically very correct. The craftmanship was exquisite. I felt my testicles retreat further, which meant they were now somewhere deep in my colon.

I asked Uncle Mac what he was doing. He grinned that maniacal grin he had and whispered, "You go to church, right, Miranda?"

He knew I did. We all attended the First Church of Saint Cosominus, who had been martyred in 1979 when he refused to "Do the Hustle" at a wedding. When I said of course, he responded, "Well, this is my true church, boy. The Most Excellent Dynamic Church of the Prime Lady of Paradise Island. The Temple of the Woman of Wonder. My Sanctuary."

I looked around. Painted on the walls of his apartment were frightening sigils and disturbingly realistic depictions of various stages of a bacchanalia. My young eyes could not comprehend much of what I saw. I looked at my uncle and saw he was wearing vestments and holding open a dog-eared comic book, circa 1942. His eyes were glazed in the candlelight. They may have also been glazed from the large pile of what he would later jokingly refer to as "the brown acid" lying next to him. I asked him what kind of religion it was.

"Religion is an ecstatic experience, Miranda," he murmured. "It can also be an economic one, and quite a lucrative one. That is the kind of religion I want to found. I want to spread my devotion to the Wondrous One to all. Religions, like sharks, must swim or die. Do you understand?"

I didn't but I had learned not to say "no" to Uncle Mac ever since he asked me if I wanted to purchase his Starland Vocal Band album for a huge mark-up so he could use the money to get his mail-order Gambian wife. So I said yes and asked him to explain more.

"You see, young lady, people will pay. Yes, they will. They will buy my icons and worship them as I do. I will be the high priest of this new religion, the Prophet, the Caliph, the Pope, and my rule will be absolute. Absolute, do you hear me, girl? And these icons - priced to move - will be the wave on which I will surf to financial and spiritual glory! Are you with me, Miranda?"

I still didn't understand, but I nodded meekly. I then asked what my role in his plan was. I was strangely intrigued. I had met prophets at the elementary school I attended (Melvin Becket predicted the fall of the Shah, after all), but I had never been around for the founding of a religion. It seemed a good way to pass the time.

Uncle Mac bared his teeth, and for a moment I thought he was going to go for my throat. "Listen well, girlie. You are going to be my Apostle Paul. You are going to be my Khadijah, who was the wife of the Prophet Muhammad. You will spread my faith to the masses."

I wondered aloud why he couldn't do it. He snarled, "You fool, Miranda! Don't you remember? Don't you remember that they are after me?"

I had forgotten that after Uncle Mac helped fix the 1964 pennant race, he had to go underground because so many members of the Swiss banking houses had lost their fortunes and had arranged with certain intelligence agencies to destroy him. I wouldn't have believed it, but there was that mysterious trench-coated man with the buzzard on his shoulder who used to lurk in the alley behind our apartment ...

He said, "This is what you have to do, Miranda ..." He then outlined a plan so audacious, so bold, so astonishingly brilliant that it would have made us all billionaires and, quite possibly, secured our ascension as Religious Superstars. I gathered up all the icons and stuffed them in the knapsack that Uncle Mac had gotten for me. I slipped out before Mr. Jarndyce woke up and made it home before dark, fighting against the banshee wind all the time. The next day I put the plan into action. As I suspected, it was brilliant. The icons sold like hotcakes, and suddenly we were flush with cash. My parents never knew, although I think my father caught one of my customers leaving the house one day and demanded to know what was going on. The customer almost cracked, but got lucky when a 1948 Packard came tearing around the corner driven by a statuesque red-haired Hispanic woman. My father has always had a weakness for Packards and statuesque red-haired Hispanic women, and his momentary distraction allowed the customer to escape. All was well.

Then it all came crashing down. Somehow our reach extended too far, and the wrong people heard about our fledgling religion before it was strong enough to influence the correct people and secure tax-free status. One day a shrunken toad of a man, wearing a sombrero and a catcher's mask, knocked on the door of my room. I admitted him, thinking he was another customer. Instead he flashed a badge of a certain government agency which made my bladder weaken (and with my problem, that was not a good thing). I knew, somehow, that the jig was up.

"Young man, you are causing the wrong people some consternation." He reached in his pocket and extracted a photograph. "This person, specifically." I looked at the photo, agog. I knew the person pictured on it, but, even after all these years, still fear to name him. Let's just call him Mr. X. "Young man," the agent continued, "I don't think I have to tell you the power this individual wields. Ms. Carter is a personal friend of his, and he will not suffer this affront to her reputation. His power is idle at this moment, but if you continue with this mockery, he will bend that power exclusively to destroy you and your family. Do you understand?"

For once, and at the wrong moment, I found courage. I laughed. I was a child, and although I had learned not to sass my father, my mother, or my uncle, I had yet to learn that lesson with regard to government officials. I laughed and told the man that I didn't believe Mr. X had anywhere near the power he ascribed to him. Through the catcher's mask, I could see the agent's eyes grow thin and his lips tremble. He could not believe the attitude he was getting from this impudent youngster. I doubted if he knew exactly what to say.

Finally, he recovered his composure. "Fine. There will be consequences. I hope you are prepared."

And that is how we came to flee the country. The next day our bank accounts were frozen. My father lost his job at the carnival because certain pictures (doctored, I'm sure) of him in a compromising position with the dog-faced boy were delivered to the owner. Mr. Jarndyce sobered up long enough to evict Uncle Mac. My mother was driven out of the sewing circle when it was revealed that she had actually used a machine to get her hems straight. I think it was this shame that eventually made her leave our family completely. I was told that my spelling tests at school were unacceptable and that I was only suited for a career in (the horror!) broadcast journalism. In less than a week, we were destitute. Uncle Mac did the only thing he could - called his old friend Flightless Gus (an old joke, he said, from their days in the RAF) and asked if he had any career opportunities for two bankrupt but stout fellows. Flightless Gus knew about the molybdenum plantation, which needed an overseer, and we were off, hours ahead of the group of government agents carrying knitting needles of death and wearing Lynda Carter masks in some bizarre homage to their insulted queen who broke into our house and mistakenly slaughtered the family of Quakers who had decamped there on their way to Tipperary. Oh, we were quite lucky!

I felt enough guilt about the whole episode to confess all to my father and Uncle Mac a few months later. They simply laughed and sipped their flaming drinks out of their boot-shaped glasses and ordered more poi. Uncle Mac put it succinctly: "Miranda, you did us a favor. Where else on this planet can you hear the wails of the two-headed cats as the burly tribesmen whip them? It's the loveliest sound on earth." My father smiled and nodded. For one brief instant, all was right in the world. And home no longer felt so far away.

"Every Van Gogh Must Go!"

I'm watching Amazon Women On The Moon on the Sundance Channel right now. If you haven't seen this movie, I pity you. It's freakin' brilliant. It's a bunch of sketches parodying, among other things, 1950s-era science fiction movies, local commercials, horror movies, trashy romance novels, and a host of other stuff. It includes the classic commercial for the Met's going-out-of-business sale, in which the curator announces, "Every Van Gogh must go" and offers the Declaration of Independence as a free bonus gift (you can sign your name on the bottom at parties!). It has a host of people in it, like Ralph Bellamy, David Alan Grier (as Don "No Soul" Simmons, the black man without soul - so sad), B.B. King (as the spokesman for the organization to help black people like Don Simmons), Henry Silva (host of "Bullshit Or Not?"), Arsenio Hall, Howard Hesseman, Phil Hartman, Michelle Pfeiffer, Peter Horton, Joe Pantoliano, Andrew Dice Clay, Russ Meyer, the guy who played Jimmy Olson, Ed Begley Jr. (who gets naked!) ... so many to choose! The main "story," which is a movie called, appropriately enough, Amazon Women On The Moon, parodies a 1957 movie in which astronauts from Earth land on the moon and meet beautiful women. The moon looks suspiciously like Arizona, and when the men are captured by the Amazons, the Queen says that men are good for nothing. The captain, played with lantern-jawed goodness by Steve Forrest, says, "Where I come from, no woman is complete without a man." Awesome.

Parts of it were directed by the criminally underrated Joe Dante, and others were directed by John Landis. It's kind of a slight movie, but if you catch on cable at some point (the uncut version, with the nudity!), watch it. It's hilarious.

Why I don't write letters to the editor

This is a letter that was published in Saturday's Arizona Republic, and which I quote in full (I can't be bothered to link to it):

I am sick of all of the liberals who do nothing but gripe and complain no matter what the president does.

George Bush is the best president the United States has ever had. We are fortunate to have a man like him who stands up for what is right, doesn't waver from his beliefs, delivers what he promises, cares about people across the country, mourns with the families of the dead and wounded, and isn't afraid to go to war to protect our lives and livelihood.

Don't you liberals understand that it is your left-wing policies, economics and philosophies that have caused the country so many problems?

Stop bashing morality and conservative values, and do your part to make this world a nicer, more caring place.

(I withhold the name to protect the idiotic.)

I almost had a stroke when I read this. I'm quite sure that Laura Bush doesn't even think her husband is the best president ever. I think Bill Clinton was a pretty good president and I don't even think he's in the Top Ten of great presidents. Without even consulting a history book to look at their achievements, I can list several presidents who are better than George II: Washington, Madison, Monroe, Polk (don't sell Polk short, people), Taylor, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Taft (bigger trust-buster than Teddy), FDR, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, LBJ, Reagan, Clinton. Hell, Bush I was probably better than George II.

That's neither here nor there, however. The reason I don't write letters to the editor is because they only publish letters by people who are insane. And that makes it seems like everyone is insane. And that keeps the insanity going. I can say, "I can never have a conversation with a conservative because, as this guy proves, they're all insane." Of course that's not true, but that's what happens. Ridiculous.

I didn't make this letter up, by the way. I think this letter might have been written by Harriet Miers. Or a ten-year-old.

What have we learned - Week 7

As you know, we didn't learn anything last week, because I did not watch football. Therefore, you were all in the dark about what you should know. So sad! But now I'm back, so knowledge can be imparted. Let's begin!

First, we have learned that Andy Reid should be fired. What, say you? He's the most successful coach in Philadelphia Eagles history? He has won the division title four years in a row (or is it three?) and taken his team to four straight conference title games and last year's Super Bowl? How can I call for his firing? Because he's a moron, that's why. The Eagles won yesterday's game despite the worst coaching job I have ever seen. Andy Reid is going to get his quarterback killed and his team is going to lose. They went for it with a little more than three minutes left in the game yesterday on 4th-and-1 from his own 30. I agreed with going for it, but the play call was a short pass over the middle to the fullback, who was covered by three defenders. It fell incomplete, naturally. Because the Eagles have no running game, San Diego knew they wouldn't run, and could cover everyone. Sweet Jeebus. They got so lucky to win that game. At one point they threw the ball 25 consecutive times. That's almost unbelievable, but I saw it happen. The Chargers didn't deserve to win, either, because for most of the game, they played like crap. At least the Philly defense appears to be back. They stuffed the best running back in the game. Excellent.

Speaking of teams that don't run, the Cardinals got an ugly win over the Titans, who are truly awful. David Macklin returned an interception for a touchdown. I like Macklin because he went to Penn State, but isn't it illegal for a player to hold up another? Somebody on the Cardinals grabbed Macklin's jersey and helped him regain his balance. It was pretty obvious, too. Why no penalty?

For a while, the Texans were in the game with the Colts. It was 14-14 at the half. Indianapolis, however, is like USC right now, especially against horrible teams like Houston. They simply ran them out of the building in the second half. Now the Colts' schedule gets difficult. They've been pounding Division II teams up until now.

I thought the Browns would pound the Lions. I really did. They didn't even score an offensive touchdown. I resisted the Cleveland bandwagon, and then I got on, and they lay an egg. I'm off it again! Bring on Charlie Frye!

We learned nothing from the San Francisco-Washington game except that the 49ers are really bad. Oh, wait a minute, we already knew that. That franchise is still paying for mistakes they made 10 years ago. It's a long road back, San Fran.

I think the Bengals got hosed on that first touchdown that was called back, but it was probably not going to help. Cincinnati is one of those teams that is taking baby steps - they have won games against teams they used to not beat, they have won games against teams they should beat, but they haven't yet beaten that team that stands in their way. Pittsburgh is that team, and they got rolled. They will have another chance against Indianapolis later this year.

Green Bay-Minnesota was a weird game. There's no way Green Bay should lose that game, but their defense remains suspect. As much as I hate Nancy-Boy Favre, he had a good game and threw some nice balls. The look on his face as the field goal went through the uprights: priceless.

Another instance in which a running game helps, even if it's not working: Shaun Alexander was getting nothing against the Cowboys (21 carries, 61 yards), but the Seahawks kept going to him. At the end of the game, Hasselbeck was able to play fake and find his receiver wide open in the end zone for the tying touchdown. If the Eagles run that play, nobody thinks they're going to run and it's a lot harder to complete the pass. And what the hell was Bledsoe thinking throwing that interception at the end of the game? What an imbecile. Parcells almost beat up one of his coaches, too, which is nice.

Look at that Chicago-Baltimore score. 10-6, Bears. Just like I predicted. Yes, I actually predicted a final score. I also said first team to 3 wins. The Bears scored a touchdown to make it 7-0, and they won. I am awesome. The game sucked, though.

Hey, Lamont Jordan can run the ball pretty well! Who would have thought? Andy Reid, see what happens when you run the ball? What the freakin' hell is wrong with you?

Finally, the Broncos pissed away a game they had in hand. Another good running game, but this one goes for naught because Denver played the dreaded "prevent" defense at the end. Morons. Eli Manning, as James Hasty pointed out this morning, didn't look that good. His receivers bailed him out. If I had Plaxico Burress, who's nine feet tall, to throw to, I'd fling it up there too. I'm mad because if Denver had won, they might have been overconfident next week at home against the Eagles. Now, they'll be pissed and whomp 'em. Stupid Broncos.

Penn State smoked a horrible Illinois team, scoring 56 points in the first half and setting a record for points in a half. They're still in good position to win the Big Ten, which is shocking. I was at Traffic Survival School all day Saturday (don't ask), so I missed most of the college football action, but I know that today Texas inexplicably jumped over USC into the #1 spot in the BCS standings. It doesn't really matter, since the top 2 teams play, but Texas is there solely because they beat a wildly overrated Texas Tech team on Saturday. Texas Tech was beating the snot out of teams like Sam Houston State. I understand that voters can't see every game, but if you're looking at the scores on Sunday morning, shouldn't you look at the opponents as well and think, "Well, yes, Texas Tech scored 77 points, but it was against Sam Houston State. I'm not voting for them." I guess voters are that stupid.

Anyway, that's the word from the weekend in football. Next week I will get two scores correct! Actually, probably not.

After a week off, Picture Day is back!

Well, I know you're all dying to see more of New Zealand, and I will accommodate you. Sorry about skipping last week - I was going to post photos on Monday or Tuesday, but real life intruded and I never got around to it.¹

So, anyway, in case you're wondering, this is the North Island of New Zealand.

I mentioned two weeks ago that we ended up in Napier, on the east coast of the island. You can see it if you squint. Anyway, in the 1930s Napier was largely destroyed by an earthquake, and they rebuilt the sucker in architecture that was in vogue back then, namely, Art Deco! Art Deco, in case you don't know, is excellent. If we all built buildings in Art Deco style, we'd all be happier and conservatives and liberals would walk down the street holding hands and singing "We Are The World." But no - we have left Art Deco behind, and things suck. Thanks, architects!

Here are some pictures of the buildings in Napier. Soak in the beauty! The first one is the Criterion Hotel:


The second one is, well, I don't know. Who cares? It's awesome.


And finally, the Daily Telegraph Building. I assume it's the local rag.



This picture is of my friend Theresa, the wacky Filipino from New Jersey. She's standing by a sign for a store called Three Times A Lady. You can't really tell because of the glare, but it's a store for women of size 16 or larger. It's a store for large women and it's called Three Times A Lady. Ponder that for a while. I made Theresa pose there (the women can't resist me!) because she's wee.



I'm not sure where this next picture is. It's the same night as the other pictures, but we were on the road a lot, so it might be in Napier, or it might be in our next stop, Taupo (check the map). I think it's in Taupo because of what it is. You say, "Greg, do we really need to see you in a pool?" And I say, well, no, but it's an outdoor pool. "So?" say you, blissful in your ignorance. And I say, it's an outdoor pool at night. Those of you in Arizona say, "I swim at midnight here, because the water is 85 degrees!" And I retort that it's an outdoor pool, at night, in the middle of the New Zealand winter, which is somewhat cold. And finally you scratch your puzzler and say, "How can it be?" Well, it's heated by underground hot springs, and it's a big hit among the townspeople. That's why I'm pretty sure it's in Taupo - it's sitting on a bunch o' hot springs. I think it's cool, and I wish I lived near a pool heated by hot springs. Is that too much to ask?



Two weeks ago I published this photo of my friend Lisa, in which she made a nasty face because of some bad food she got at McDonald's. Well, that's not the worst picture I have of Lisa. After she got out of the pool, she looked like a zombie. Fear her!


Don't let her eat your brains! She didn't like the McDonald's food, but she might enjoy your gray matter!

So that's the latest installment of Greg's pictures. Next week, I will prove to you that I may be the stupidest person in the world, but I am not a coward! I am brave, damn it! Can you figure out what I did?²

¹ "Real life?" you say. "How dare you have a life outside of the computer! You exist to entertain us!" Well, yes, but when the children are writhing on the floor in piles of their own filth moaning with hunger because I'm too busy on the Internet, I have to do something. I mean, they're annoying me. So you must forgive me.
² Come on, people, it's New Zealand! Use your imagination!

What I've been reading

It's been a while since I rambled on about a book I just finished, so here's another interesting one. It's not that I haven't been reading, just that I read the latest Harry Potter book and didn't feel the need to expound upon its merits (or lack thereof, if you're not a fan), and then I read this book and wasn't terribly impressed by it, and why should I tell you to read a book that I don't like? I am, after all, the arbiter of culture around these parts. So. Moving on, I read:

The Yamato Dynasty: The Secret History of Japan's Imperial Family (although my book has a cooler cover) by Sterling Seagrave and Peggy Seagrave
394 pages, 1999, Broadway Books

As many of you know, I'm a big history buff, and not only for the Merovingian period (which is good, because there just aren't a lot of books readily available in bookstores on that subject). I go through phases of high interest in certain places and time periods of history, and recently I've been fascinated by Asia. I'm still reading my books in alphabetical order by author, so I'm not reading all my books on Asia at once, but I am buying more than I used to and spending more time in that section of the library than I once did, and more time there than in, say, the European medieval section. It's not because I don't like medieval Europe anymore, but the books in that section of any bookstore are woefully inadequate, and if I haven't already read the books, I've already read a lot on the subject and don't feel the need to buy yet another book about, say, Eleanor of Aquitaine.¹

Japan and China are just interesting for the complete difference in culture from ours. It's amazing finding out things about these cultures, and how the Asian cultures have an impact on history in general. I read a book once about the Pacific War from Japan's perspective, and the author mentioned that the attack on Pearl Harbor was simply a way the Japanese waged war, and any decent Japan expert in the United States would have been able to figure out what they were up to. Seagrave makes similar points in his book, pointing out the woefully bad diplomatic corps that resided in Japan prior to the war, a group that was far more concerned with securing loans for the great Japanese banking families than trying to rein in Japan's militarism. The Pacific War was a tragedy for a great number of countries, but, as usual with hindsight, we can see ways that it could have been prevented.

Seagrave is not concerned with the ancient history of the Yamato dynasty, which has "ruled" Japan for 1500 years.² He is more interested in the last four emperors and the current crown prince - Mutsuhito (known generally by the name of his reign, Meiji), Yoshihito (whose reign was called Taisho), Hirohito (whose given name is most commonly used, although his reign was called Showa), Akihito (the emperor since 1989, whose reign name is Heisei), and Crown Prince Naruhito. The reason for this is simple - the Meiji Restoration of 1868 destroyed the shogunate which had ruled the country for 700 years and supposedly brought the emperor back to a position of power. As Seagrave points out repeatedly, this is simply not true - Japan exchanged one shogunate for another, more insidious one, and the emperor continued to be a caged bird without much say in the running of the country. Seagrave wants to look at how the country became a modern power and, more importantly, how it failed in the post-war years to become a democracy. He blames both the Japanese oligarchy and the American occupational forces, led by General Douglas MacArthur, for this failure, and brings us up to the present by pointing out that whereas Germany, for the most part, has exorcised its war ghosts through public recriminations, Japan remains tied to the past and unable to move beyond it because their war guilt was swept under the carpet by these two groups.

The pre-1930s period is sketched more quickly than I would have liked, but as it is not the focal point of the book, I can understand it. Seagrave is simply laying the foundation for what Japan became in the 1930s and in the post-war period, so I can forgive him. For me, late 19th- and early 20th-century history is far more fascinating than World War II-era stuff, so I was slightly disappointed that, for instance, Seagrave didn't go more into the Sino-Japanese War of the 1890s and the Russo-Japanese War of 1904-05. He goes over them, but with less detail than I would have liked. The reason I was surprised he didn't get into them more is because this is where Japan's modern militarism really begins, and because of his focus on the Rape of Asia and the war spoils this brought to Japan, as well as their idea of warfare as a business option, I thought he would examine its roots more. It's a minor complaint, because, as I mentioned, he's simply laying the groundwork.

He gives us much more on the rise of the oligarchy that dominated Japan in the 20th century and still dominates it today. The cast of characters is large and diverse, and I'm not going to go into them here, but Seagrave is able to give us an excellent sense of how Japan has always worked - a few families controlling everything and inter-marrying, with most of the political and economic decisions made in back rooms at family gatherings. He even shows how certain members of this oligarchy are "elected" to take the fall if a scandal ever develops (as it has numerous times over the past 40 years) and go quietly off to a country retirement as a reward for being the scapegoat, while the machinery continues to turn. Seagrave points out that Japan is very far from a "democracy," even though the Americans like to tout their achievements in turning them into a model for Asia. Modern Japan is ruled by a group of families that do not allow true democracy to flourish. Votes count for nothing, and the only thing that happens in Japan is that power rotates among the ruling families. If one of them gets voted out of power, another steps into the breach. Nothing ever changes.

The major focus of Seagrave's book is the Pacific War and its aftermath. This is where he sees the true tragedy of Japan. The emperor, despite having no political power, has great influence - if he chooses to exercise it. Being raised in a cage, the emperor is neutered from an early age, but Hirohito, especially, is a disappointment to Seagrave, as early in his life he was able to travel to Europe in the 1920s and soak up some of the liberal politics there. However, when he returned to Japan and took up his position, he was stifled by the rulers of the country. In the 1930s, a group of soldiers tried to overthrow the militarists who were leading the country into their expansive and ultimately disastrous war in Southeast Asia. They claimed that they were doing it to "rescue" the emperor from the oligarchs (the same thing the oligarchs said in the 1860s about the shogun), but when pressed on it, Hirohito caved and condemned the coup, allowing his country to spiral further into aggression.

The antebellum period also allows Seagrave to examine the influence of the Americans on Japanese politics. American banks got involved early in turning Japan into an economic power, and their investments meant that they had to defend what Japan became in the 1920s and 1930s. After the war, this meant that American lobbyists in Congress, including Herbert Hoover, had great influence over how the Japanese government was restructured (or, more accurately, reconfigured, as the principal players stayed in place) in the late 1940s. Seagrave points out that MacArthur, who desperately wanted to be the Republican presidential nominee in 1948, allowed the business interests in the United States to dictate how Japan would be rebuilt. This, combined with the fear of the spread of communism, meant that true democracy could not be allowed to rise in Japan - those crazy Asians might vote Commie! The Japanese oligarchy also convinced MacArthur and his staff, who had no experience whatsoever with the Japanese psyche, that Hirohito was vital to the healing of the nation, and therefore the emperor - and anyone who "spoke for him," meaning those who really ran the country - had to be spared from any war crimes prosecution. Prime Minister Tojo Hideki, in classic Japanese fashion, became the scapegoat for the war, while the emperor, who could have stepped in a stopped the slaughter going on throughout the East, and his uncle, Prince Asaka Yasuhiko, who was personally in charge of the Rape of Nanking, one of the most heinous organized crimes in history, got off scot-free, both living happily and comfortably for 40 years after the war. They had to be exonerated, because if the Japanese oligarchy allowed the emperor to be punished, their whole way of life might come to an end. MacArthur and the American occupation forces had a golden opportunity to turn Japanese into a democratic model not unlike Germany became in the post-war era, but because the Japanese did not espouse as obvious a reprehensible ideology as the Nazis did, the pressure to remake Japan was not as great as it was in Germany.

Another large focus of the book is the plunder Japan took from the countries they conquered. Japan has never admitted to stealing gold and other treasures from China and the rest of Southeast Asia, and this was used to "prove" that the emperor and his household was broke at the end of the war, despite owning billions in hidden wealth. The OSS and other American groups witnessed the Japanese hiding boxes of bullion in caves in the Philippines, and although some of it has been recovered, MacArthur and the business interests remaking Japan were uninterested in finding it. Despite cries for the past 40 years for restitution, the Japanese government still insists that they not only don't have treasures of other countries, but that they didn't take it in the first place.

Seagrave sees the post-war era in Japan as a great tragedy. The economy, so envied by the West in the 1980s, is spiraling downward now, because it was never a true, robust economy, simply one propped up by the age-old Japanese tradition of bribery and backroom deals that were simply rotated among the ruling families. When it crashed, it could not recover because it wasn't a true cyclical capitalist economy. Seagrave also makes the point that because the Japanese have never confronted the war crimes of their leaders, they can't move past it. The older generation does not want to discuss it, but the younger generation, which didn't experience the war, still feels as if they are held back by these great crimes committed by their government. It was even more pronounced while Hirohito was alive, as the younger generation of Japanese became angry that this old man had been allowed to escape responsibility. When Akihito became emperor, there was great hope that the Japanese could escape their past and begin to move toward a constitutional monarchy on the model of England, but so far Akihito nor his son, Naruhito, has shown any inclination to exert independence and try to change the country. According to Seagrave, until the Japanese confront their past and how their country's political hierarchy is structured, they will not be able to become a functioning member of the world body.

This is a fascinating look at a part of history that often gets overlooked. Whenever we read about Japan and its history in the 20th century, it's all about Tojo and his crimes and Japan's subsequent economic "miracle." We never hear about the attempts by the women of the royal family to change the way the country is run, nor the influence of Christians, mainly Quakers, in how the country is governed (Hoover was a Quaker, and Quakers made great inroads in proselytizing in Japan during the early 20th century), nor how the Americans had but missed an opportunity to turn the country into a democracy. Although the book was written in 1999, I couldn't help but think of our current attempts in Iraq to establish a democracy and how often it's easier to allow the corrupt infrastructure to continue ruling than possibly allow the people to elect someone you don't agree with. Are we willing to allow the Iraqis to elect someone we don't like, all in the interest of democracy? We didn't do it in Japan in the 1940s, because the fear was too great. This led to decades of continuing corruption and a modern feudal society in Japan. We shall see where it leads in Iraq.

¹ Medievalists take note: I love Eleanor of Aquitaine. She is one of the most fascinating women in history. However, I've read a lot about her. I need an Eleanor break.
² I use quotes because the emperor has never really ruled Japan. In every sense of the word, the emperor has always been and always will be a figurehead.

The football picks are back!

After a week off, I thought I'd try this again. So far this year, I'm 40-34 picking games, and that's after being 4 games under .500 after two weeks, so I'm getting better. I'm still waiting for my call from the big-time sports networks.

Tonight's game: MIAMI (-2) 21, Kansas City 16. Miami plays well at home, and it's a weird hurricane condition. The Chiefs just arrived today. Too much to overcome.

ARIZONA (-3.5) 24, Tennessee 14. If the Cardinals lose this game, they might as well start contract negotiations with Matt Leinart.
ST. LOUIS (-3) 24, New Orleans 10. The Rams aren't as good without Marc Bulger, but they're good enough to beat the Saints. Especially if they do what they did in the first quarter of last week's game, and that's run Stephen Jackson.
MINNESOTA (+1.5) 24, Green Bay 17. This is kind of a pick-'em game. The only reason I'm going with the Vikings is because Nancy-Boy Favre sucks in domes. I wouldn't be terribly surprised, however, if the Pack wins by three touchdowns. The Vikings are just that weird.
Indianapolis (-15) 24, HOUSTON 20. The Colts are giving FIFTEEN on the road? Wow. The Texans have probably already called Reggie Bush or even Matt Leinart. They suck. But 15 is a huge number, and the Texans have their pride, don't they? Don't they?
CINCINNATI (-1) 30, Pittsburgh 21. Is Big Ben playing? This pick is based on him playing. If he doesn't, the Bengals win by two touchdowns, easy. Yes, I just used the word "easy" to describe a Cincinnati win. Actually, the only reason I'm picking them is because the game is at home.
PHILADELPHIA (-3.5) 24, San Diego 14. Was the Dallas game the Eagles' "sucky" game that they have every year, or the start of a huge decline? This game will tell. They've had two weeks, the Chargers have to make another trip to the East Coast, Reid gets his boys prepared after a bye week - all the stars are aligned, Eagles, so let's come through, shall we?
CLEVELAND (-3) 31, Detroit 10. How are the Browns only favored by three? Detroit on the road is almost as bad as Arizona on the road. It doesn't matter who is playing QB for the Lions (by the end of the game, it'll be Garcia) - this is a walk for Cleveland. A walk!
WASHINGTON (-12.5) 21, San Francisco 14. How is Washington favored by that much? They're not that good, and the 49ers are awful, sure, but they play hard. Washington wins, but not as easily as people think they will.
SEATTLE (-3) 28, Dallas 17. Give the damned ball to Shaun Alexander, Coach Holmgren! Just do it!
Buffalo (+3) 22, OAKLAND 17. Oakland is favored because they're at home, I imagine. I don't care. They'll commit 19 penalties and the Kelly Holcomb magic works again!
CHICAGO (-1) 10, Baltimore 6. Just like the Ravens-Jets game from a few weeks ago, first team to get a first down wins!
Denver (+2) 26, NEW YORK GIANTS 21. This is a tough pick - the Broncos have been playing well, and I think they carry the momentum from the big win over the Patriots into the swamp and beat the Football Giants, who I think are playing slightly over their heads.
ATLANTA (-7) 31, New York Jets 13 (Monday Night). I don't care if Vick plays or not. The Falcons are too good at home.

There you go, gentle readers. Take that money out of your mattress and head to Vegas. These picks are money!

Adult content? What adult content?

One of the people I wrote about in my epic post about my journey through Pennsylvania mentioned that her husband cannot read my blog at work because his employer has blocked access to it because of "adult content." Last weekend, my father said he is also blocked from viewing this at his place of business, and so is my aunt in Ohio. This is appalling.

I am shocked that any place of business would consider this blog "too adult" for their employers. Long-time readers will know that I'm all about the wholesomeness. I mean, really - everything I have ever linked to on this blog is about family-friendly, wholesome, All-American values. Why, I'm as pure as Ivory Snow! How can anyone say there's things on this blog that the hard-working proletariat in this country shouldn't be allowed to view while they're engaging in that greatest of American traditions, wasting time at work?

Fret not, good readers. When I'm dictator those employers who blocked access to my nascent political ramblings and entertainment options will be disciplined. Oh yes, they will. Heads will roll. And I don't mean that figuratively.

Why I don't get "human" nature

Krys and I had a mini-argument last night. They're always fun. We are refinancing the house and the appraiser came by yesterday without much notice - meaning, he called yesterday morning and came over yesterday afternoon, and I didn't call Krys to tell her that he was coming. This bothered her because I did not mention all the fun stuff we've done to the house to make it nicer, and she would have. I didn't mention it because, you know, I'm stupid.

So she said last night that she wished she could have cleaned up the house a bit. Now, the house is clean, but there's a lot of clutter around. Obviously, when you have kids there is going to be clutter around, but there's also a lot of clutter because I'm lazy. For instance - we had a laundry basket full of clothes that I had not folded yet (I did it last night). She was worried that the appraiser would put a large death's-head mark somewhere on our application because of the clutter.

This is why we argued (I'd say it was a discussion, but whenever I disagree with someone, I raise my voice - I grew up in a family of shouters, so it's genetic). I argued that the appraiser would just look at the physical state of the house because, let's face it, when we sell the house, the pile of laundry won't be there. Krys said it's "human nature" to factor that in - if the appraiser thinks we are messy, he will think that we don't take care of the house. Now, I can see that point, but wouldn't he look at the house to see if we take care of it, rather than deducing it from the clutter? That seems logical. She disagreed.

Krys works in the mortgage industry and has more experience with appraisers, so she's probably right, but I can't believe it. She means to tell me that our house might not be valued as high, even though we had the pool resurfaced, the background landscaped, the walls painted, and the back porch redone, simply because the house was cluttered. If that's human nature, then I want out of this stupid species.

Great songs, according to me (Part 13)

It's kind of a strange list today - unusual songs and bands you might not expect. But that's why this is fun to do - it's all about the controversy! Follow me into the next ten entries on my list of great songs, according to me:

121. D.M.S.R. (by Prince on the album 1999, 1983): There are a lot of good songs on this album, and this is one of them. Prince is still unbelievably funky these days, but he seemed to be having more fun back then (and yes, I own pretty much everything he's done since the mid-1980s). This song is just a celebration of, well, dancing, sex, music, and romance. There's nothing wrong with that. And, as Mr. Nelson himself points out, it ain't no sin to strip right down to your underwear. That's a fine Bible he's reading!

122. Daddy I'm Fine (by Sinéad O'Connor on the album Faith and Courage, 2000): I have always been a big fan of Ms. O'Connor's, even when she went crazy. She can still write damned good music. This is a triumphant howl justifying her life to her father, and it feels great. It starts off quietly then ramps up to full throttle, with the wacky Irish lass spitting out such great lyrics as "And feel real hot when my makeup's right like I wanna fuck every man in sight." Sinéad! So shocking! You might not agree with her very often, but she can sing a mean song.

123. Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta (by the Geto Boys on the Office Space soundtrack, 1999): The song is actually from 1992, but most white people, I would guess, know it from Office Space. And just because white boys know it doesn't make it any less awesome. It's such a great laid-back tune, and although it drops the "n-word" a little often, in rap songs I tend to overlook that. Mostly it's a relatively fun song, but there's that hint of darkness behind it, and that's what makes it great. Plus, it fits in well in the movie. Go watch Office Space if you haven't seen it! Holy crap it's a fine film.

124. Dancing With Myself (by Generation X on the album Kiss Me Deadly, 1981): This is the only Gen X album I own, and I haven't listened to it in years, because it's really not that good. However, the early version of "Dancing With Myself" is excellent - nice and raw and less polished than when Billy Idol took it when the band broke up and redid it. You all know the song - what else is there to say? A paean to the loneliness of punks. Poor punks.

125. The Day Before You Came (by ABBA on the album More ABBA Gold, 1982): I was just listening to this on my travels, and I was reminded again how good it was, and how incongruous. Yes, the music on this song almost kills it - it sounds like a Casio, seriously, and almost ruins the painful words poor Agnetha is trying to sing. Ultimately, it's a happy song, as presumably her life is a lot better now that it's a day after you came, but to hear her sing of the joylessness of life without love is to re-experience it yourself, and really, who wants to do that? That damned music, though ...

126. A Day In The Life (by the Beatles on the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, 1967): I mentioned way back when I began this exercise that my great songs list would be woefully incomplete because of my lack of ownership of some of what many people would consider "the great bands." Hence, longtime readers may have noticed a lack of this Liverpuddlian group, as well as certain seminal combos like the Stones that Roll. It's not that I don't like them, I just never got around to buying their albums. I like the Beatles and the Stones a lot, but once you grow up listening to classic rock stations and hearing them six thousand times a day, your desire to actually buy the albums wanes a bit. This is a good album, though. This is an excellent song. 'Nuff said, I think.

127. Days That Used To Be (by Neil Young and Crazy Horse on the album Ragged Glory, 1990): See, Young's another guy I should like more, and whose work I should own more of. This is the only Neil Young album I own (with or without Crazy Horse), and it's decent enough, but nothing that makes me hurl myself out of my chair to the nearest record store and pick up his entire catalogue. That being said, this is a nice song, laced with bittersweet yearnings for lost friends and a sense of purpose. I'm kind of a sucker for songs laced with bittersweet yearnings for lost friends and a sense of purpose, so this hits me in the gut. Good job, Neil.

128. Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground (by the White Stripes on the album White Blood Cells, 2002): Ah, the White Stripes. I wondered if they peaked with this album when it showed up on Spin's Top 100 list. Even if they never approach this, White Blood Cells is a brilliant album, and this song kicks off the whole thing. That twangy, nasty guitar, those subtly creepy lyrics, Jack's weird, off-key, occasionally whispery singing - this was my introduction to the band, after hearing a lot about them, and I was blown away. It's a great song, but putting it first on the album was a masterstroke.

129. Dead Man's Road (by Cinderella on the album Heartbreak Station, 1990): By the time this, their third album, came out, Cinderella had pretty much left the big hair behind and were concentrating more on the blues. That's not to say they left all the trappings of Hair Metal behind - there's a power ballad on this album - but they were branching out musically and lyrically, and this song is a perfect example. It's a swampy little tune straight from the bayou, and even though Keifer snarls his way through it like he does the more metal stuff, it's with a bluesy sensibility missing from a lot of the other hair bands of this era. It's one reason I like Cinderella, despite the fact that they still had the hair working for them.

130. Dear Friend (by Fish on the album Internal Exile, 1991): Fish's second album is full of songs that showcase his brilliant lyrics and his occasionally maudlin romanticism, and this one shows off another side of him: his nostalgic longings. It's a song about an old friend whom he hasn't seen in a while, and how he has moved on from the craziness of youth but wonders if the friend still thinks about the "good old days." It's a clever song, not bogged down by how wonderful everything was when they were wild, but still remembering that once the world was their oyster. It also contains some nice references to old Marillion songs, the band from whom Fish split a few years before this album came out. It's a somewhat sad tune, but happy even through that.

As usual, if you have anything to say, I'm a tough guy - I can take it. I actually appreciate hearing about all these songs I may have missed, because it gives me something to shop for - like I need to spend more money. In case you're interested (I know people who read this blog have nothing better to do with their time), you can check out the first 120 great songs:
Part One.
Part Two.
Part Three.
Part Four.
Part Five.
Part Six.
Part Seven.
Part Eight.
Part Nine.
Part Ten.
Part Eleven.
Part Twelve.

Go view pictures of my daughter, plus something to make you angry and something to alleviate your anger

Yes, I am directing you to my other blog. You see, I just posted pictures of my daughters at my other blog, and as my daughters are the most beautiful children in the world, you really should check out my other blog so you can gaze at their loveliness. So you might want to jump over to my other blog for a moment.

After you check out the pictures, you'll be needing to get nice and angry, so I suggest you go read this post by my pal Roxy. Remember my two rants about my former school. Roxy is talking about the same one. If you don't read her blog, I will keep you updated on the fate of her husband, who got in trouble with the administration because he called 911 when a pregnant student of his started bleeding. See? You should read the whole post and get the context. It will make you grumpy.

But you don't want to be grumpy for long, so then you should go visit What If Fox News Had Been Around Throughout History? Check them all out! Here's an example of the photoshopped goodness:
 
 

As with most hilarious twisted stuff I link to, I got this from Tom Peyer. Somebody in the comments linked to more examples:
 
 
This one, of course, is near and dear to my heart, given the name of this blog.

So there you have it: cuteness, anger, hilarity. It's all about the roller coaster of emotions here at Delenda Est Carthago, people!

Thoughts and reflections on my visit to the inscrutable East, including how I prove that I am the stupidest person on the planet ... TWICE!

I'm back, people - did you miss me?

I'll take the deafening silence that met my return last night (where, oh where was the fanfare?) to mean that nobody missed me. Oh well, I'll deal. Thanks for everyone who took my amazing blog challenge - you people really should be watching Lost. I mean, come on, do you have lives or something? But I would like to thank you for saying what I should have more of on this blog - I'll try to get more Lynda Carter, mud wrestling, flaming drinks in boot-shaped glasses, and Merovingians on here. I will also think about how I will dress when I'm dictator. Clothes make the man, after all!

Anyway, this will be a big ol' post, as I ruminate on things that struck me as unusual, odd, bizarre, sad, funny, or just plain interesting about my trip back to the old homestead area. If you read on, gentle readers, I will reveal to you why I am the stupidest person on the planet. You scoff. You pooh-pooh. "Oh, come now, Greg - we have all done stupid things," you say. "What makes you think the two things you did are the stupidest things ever? What makes you so special?" Well, I don't mean to brag, but seriously - I proved not once, but twice, that I am the dumbest person in the world. If you fear stupidity, read no further!

On Thursday, it was drizzling in Philadelphia and pouring in Newark, New Jersey. It was, of course, clear and sunny in Arizona. For some poorly explained reason, all the flights into Philadelphia were delayed, but those into Newark were not. So my flight was delayed two hours. I sat by the gate and grew bored. Why on earth was the flight delayed? WHY????

I'm sure my mother would know this, but when did some airlines (like, say, US Airways) stop giving away food and start selling it? I'm certainly not shelling out seven bucks for a sandwich.

I got free headphones because they double-booked my seat and moved me back six rows. That was nice. The in-flight movie was March of the Penguins. I'm certainly not in agreement with all the conservatives who think it "proves" intelligent design (I mentioned this before - they're birds that can't fly!), nor that it shows how the family unit is God's way (Morgan Freeman very explicitly says that the male finds a new female every year), but I'm not in the camp of the people who think it's the greatest movie-going experience ever, either. I mean, it was fine, but they're penguins. They do their thing. It's not like they're doing un-penguin-like things. This is like making a movie of me getting up in the morning and eating breakfast. I do it to survive. It's impressive that the penguins do this, but what the hell else are they going to do?

I bought magazines to read on the plane. Because I don't want to piss my beautiful wife off, the only time I buy "men's magazines" is when I fly alone. So I read Maxim and, I think, Stuff magazine. Boy, I should just stick to the book I'm reading. Those "men's magazines" are really, really stupid. Just dumb. Not even the scantily-clad women make up for the idiocy of the articles. Avoid them, fellow readers!

Flying is awesome. Okay, flying coach sucks, and usually you're crammed into places that no sane person should be crammed into (like the window seat next to two, shall we say, husky folks). But the crappiness of a window seat (bathroom access) is offset by the view. It was neat seeing Phoenix disappear beneath and behind me, and flying over Pennsylvania with miles and miles of cloud cover. Coming down through the clouds at night, with an almost full moon overheard, was spectacular. The moon looks so much brighter from a plane, probably because you don't have all the pollution and clouds in the way. Screw invisibility - if I had a superpower, I would want to fly.

One thing Phoenix has better than some other places: its airport is nice. It's open and windowed and easy to navigate. Philadelphia's airport is claustrophobic and shabby. It looks like it was delved deep into caves on some moon of Saturn in a futuristic sci-fi movie. Tight corridors, no windows, and more than one wall is peeling whatever it is that covers it. Cruddy.

My father failed in his public restroom etiquette. We both went into the restroom. There were six urinals in the room. A man was using #2. A pop quiz that most guys should know is: Where should my father go, knowing that I am also going to use one? The answer, of course, is #6 - that is the only place he can go that would allow me a suitable buffer zone, because then I can go to #4. He went to #5, meaning I could not use a urinal without being directly next to someone. I'm sorry, Dad, but that's a big faux pas. I ended up at #3. Guys know this bathroom etiquette instinctively, right? And for the women reading - yes, we can be as weird as you about little shit like this.*

* I'm not even sure if this is a homophobic thing. I'm probably one of the least homophobic straight people around, and there are those pseudo-stalls separating the urinals anyway in most public restrooms. It's just a guy thing. Don't ask for a better explanation.

I'm always surprised by how dark it is at night in most of the places I go in Pennsylvania. Here, of course, I'm in an urban area, so it's always well lit, but the relatively rural area in which my parents live (pretty much just outside the edge of the suburbs of Philly) is really dark for other reasons, too. First, it rains a lot in the autumn, which I think makes it darker. Second, when it rains, you get clouds. I went out with friends on Thursday night after I arrived, and it was freaky driving down roads with absolutely no illumination but my headlights.

Manual transmissions are excellent. Everyone should drive them. Whenever I go home I'm reminded how cool they are. Krys does not know how to drive one, so we're not allowed to buy them when we get new cars. I miss stick shifts. Real men drive stick shifts.

I went to a bar so see some of my friends. I got carded. I'm THIRTY-FOUR years old. Women, I suppose, would be flattered. I just thought the bouncer was an idiot.

I asked my friend Dave (the one whose wedding spawned this whole trip) where his lovely bride was. She had things to do, so she declined. He told us that he said to her, "Well, I'm going out." Everyone at the table but him was married. We laughed and told him that he had only two more days to have that attitude.

One of the things that I don't like about going back to where I grew up is the running into people who I don't really want to see. We were out at this bar and someone I went to high school with happened to be at the same bar. Now, I never really had an opinion of this person one way or another. Sometimes I thought he was a jerk, sometimes he was okay. It's not like we were friends or anything. His brother works with my friends, though, so they chatted for a few minutes. Nothing strange happened, but I felt weird. It was one of those "we sort of have some sort of connection, so maybe we should pretend we were closer than we once were" moment. It didn't last long, and didn't bother me that much, but I have a feeling if I lived near where I grew up I'd have those kinds of experiences a lot more often.

One reason why I love my friends: The groom, Dave, said that October 14 (last Friday) was a special day. I asked him why and he said it was the anniversary of the Battle of Hastings. I commended him on his excellent memory. Then my friend Jen said, "In 1066." These people, mind you, are not history majors - Dave was in engineering and Jen was a film student. The fact that they know about Hastings and can speak somewhat eloquently on the subject (as they proceeded to do) warms the cockles of my heart. They always keep things lively.

There's really few things nerdier than guys playing air instruments. I mean, I buy comic books and people think I'm a nerd. Dave's twin, Frank, played a bunch of music on the "jukebox" (a computer), and when "Roundabout" by Yes came on, Dave and Jen's husband, Jeff, started playing air bass and discussing how fierce the bass line is. For a brief instant, I was the coolest guy at the table. Then I opened my mouth again and all was lost.

Friday was the 9th consecutive day of rain in southeastern Pennsylvania. I love when it rains here, but 9 straight days does get a little annoying.

On Friday I took a road trip. I had nothing to do, all my friends were working, and I knew I would be bored. So I decided to go to Comic RIOT! Jason Richards just opened his store in Camp Hill, PA, which is near Harrisburg, about 100 miles to the west of where I was. People looked at me funny when I told them I was going 100 miles to visit a comic book store, but they usually look at me funny anyway, so I ignored them. I wanted to go because on his blog Jason has often mentioned how he is trying to stock more independent comics, and I wanted to see how he was doing, as I have become a minor champion of independent comics (even though I still dig my superheroes). So I went. I will talk about Jason's store more on Comics Should Be Good in a day or two, but I will say it's a good store. However, while on my trip, I did the first of two things that will prove I am the stupidest person on the planet. Read on in wonder!

I hopped on the Pennsylvania Turnpike (more on that below) and headed west. I'm tooling along in my mother's Miata, which is kind of a hoot to drive. I'm about 5 miles from my exit when the car starts jerking a bit. I downshift and then speed up again, but the car does it again. I have no idea what's going on. It keeps jerking. I'm starting to freak out. Anyone care to guess what was wrong with the car?

That's right - I was out of gas. I ran out of the gas on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I had not even looked at the gauge while I was driving. I was, in fact, looking at the oil gauge, and was quite impressed that I was getting such good mileage. I actually stopped in the middle of the Susquehanna River Bridge, which is not a good place to stop your car (of course, nowhere on the Turnpike is a particularly good place to stop). The Turnpike Police showed up quickly and pushed the car off the bridge and into a construction turnoff, and then a tow truck showed up and gave me enough gas to get to the exit. The whole thing cost me 57 dollars. In case you don't appreciate my stupidity, I'll write it again:

I ran out of gas on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

The whole episode set me back a good 30 minutes, so I was late getting out of Harrisburg. I had to be at the rehearsal at 5.30, so I was trying to get home, get shaved, get dressed, and out by 5.10 or so. I was making good time until I hit Valley Forge, when the traffic came to a dead stop. Stupid rush hour Friday traffic! Valley Forge is about 17 miles from the exit I needed, and my parents' house is about 13 miles from the Turnpike. It took me one hour and fifteen minutes to get home. I did not shave. Oh well.

The Turnpike is a ridiculously anachronistic roadway. Supposedly the tolls pay for all the improvements, but it is one of the worst highways in the state. Potholes, seams in the road, and really narrow lanes. Horrible. Unfortunately, it's very convenient, so it's used a lot. Every five miles or so there is new construction, but here's the interesting thing: no one was working on Friday. Nobody whatsoever. My dad said it was because it was raining. If they're waiting for nice days in Pennsylvania in autumn, no wonder no work gets done. Stupid government bureaucracies.

My mother has drilled into my head about propriety and style. I am generally a slob, but I know when I should dress up. A rehearsal for a wedding is one of those events. I put on a nice shirt and a tie. I was the only one at the rehearsal wearing a tie. A lot of the participants were wearing jeans and sneakers. They looked fine, and I certainly don't want to insult any of them, but sometimes, I wish people still dressed up occasionally. I love wearing jeans and sneakers and comfortable clothes, but it was weird that no one at the rehearsal was dressed nicely. Except for the bride. She was dressed up. It made me feel better.

The rehearsal dinner was at the groom's parents' house. Dave and Frank lived behind me when I was growing up, so I got to drive through the old neighborhood. My old neighborhood looks small. The streets seem narrow and shorter than I remember, and all the trees have grown, so it looks more claustrophobic. This is not just me being bigger. The streets are more narrow than the neighborhood I live in today. But it's still weird. It's a nice, quaint development. It just feels small.

The big day (Saturday) arrived, and I had a busy day. At 9.30 in the morning I jokingly asked my father why the college football games weren't on yet. One cool thing about living in the West is that sports comes on earlier. I love watching football at 10 o'clock in the morning.

I had made arrangements to visit some friends of mine whom I hadn't seen in years. My first stop was at the home of Randy and Kelli Solly, whom I hadn't seen since sometime in college - it's probably been 15 years. I always liked both of them, but in the early '90s we fell out of touch. I'm not sure how we got each other's e-mail addresses, but I'm glad we did, because e-mail is a quick and easy way to stay in touch. My sister has not grasped this yet. I drove down into Warminster, the town in which I grew up, and hung out with the Sollys for a few hours. Here are some pictures of them:


This is the happy couple with their second son, Brian. Their first son was nowhere to be found!


This is me and Kelli. I like putting the moves on the ladies!

Kelli had been digging through her old photographs and found some of me. She graciously allowed me to take them, and now I share them with you. These are from Spring 1989, when our history class went to Washington, D.C. for a field trip. It was very fun.


This is me acting like a geek with my history teacher, Mr. Austin. Mr. Austin was a great teacher, and he had a very dry sense of humor. He acted all stuffy, but he was usually just messing with you. Earlier this year a friend of mine saw him around town and told him I was a teacher. He mentioned that it was fitting punishment for me. Jerk. What a cool guy Mr. Austin is.



This is me with some of my friends. Could we be more 1980s? I don't think so.

After I left the Sollys' house, I called me friend Dave Boger, whom I hadn't seen in, I think, six years. We had lunch and caught up. I didn't take a picture of him because I forgot to. I suck.

I drove by the house I grew up in, because I was feeling nostalgic. I took a picture. Here it is, the old Burgas homestead:


My mother hated that house. She hates split-level houses. She was stuck there for 20 years before my parents could move out. So sad.

I left Dave at about 2.30 to head home and get ready for the wedding at five. I needed to get the present wrapped because my mom didn't have any appropriate wrapping paper. I also wanted to watch a few minutes of the Penn State game. So I got home about 3, shaved, showered quickly, and got my suit on. I watched the first ten minutes or so of the football game, and about four, I was ready to leave. Then the phone rang.

(Before I continue, I want to rant about the college football games I didn't watch. Don't worry, I'll be quick. First of all, USC v. Notre Dame. Hey, Notre Dame people who think your team got hosed - shut up. Yes, Reggie Bush pushed Matt Leinart into the end zone. Guess what? It happens all the time, and never gets called. Why should it be called for your team? If you had played some defense on 4th-and-9, you wouldn't have to worry about it. How many times has Notre Dame gotten away with something and commentators laughingly called it "the luck of the Irish"? Shut up. Today on the radio, someone said that Notre Dame haters - me included - should get ready to deal with Notre Dame being good for the next 10-15 years. I bet a lot of people said that three years ago, when Ty Willingham started 8-0. Yeah, where is he today? Let's keep the Notre Dame lovefest cool for a while, shall we? Of course, because they're Notre Dame, they're the only 2-loss team in the Top Ten, while other teams (hint: I went to one of them) with better records are further down in the polls. The polls suck.

I wasn't too upset with Penn State's loss, because I expected them to lose, but it was pretty gut-wrenching. They still have the inside track to winning the Big Ten, but that was a frustrating loss. Hey, Notre Dame fans - the refs missed at least two obvious hits on Nittany Lions out of bounds, and in Michigan's final drive, some receiver caught a pass and clearly did not get his feet down. They didn't even review it. So refs blow calls all the time. Shut up, again.

Okay, I'm done ranting. No more sports, I promise!)

So the phone rang. This leads into the second thing I did that proves I am the stupidest person on the planet. Oh, avert your eyes!

On the other end of the line was my friend Ken. Ken came in for the wedding from St. Louis, and I was really looking forward to seeing him, since he is my best friend (after my wife) and I haven't seen him in three years. I would have hung out with him on Friday but he was in the city having some gay birthday lovefest with his significant other. Lousy homos! So I was really keen on Saturday night and hanging out with him (and Jim, his "dude," who is a wonderful person). He says to me, "How are you doing?" I said I was fine. He asked where I was and what happened. I was a bit perplexed by this - I said nothing happened. I said I was at home, about to leave to head down to the church for the wedding. He said, "The wedding's over, man. It just finished." Ken is often a jokester, so I said, "You're joking." He said that he was not joking at all, and that the wedding was at three and they were all starting to head over to the reception. I looked at the invitation. There it was: three o'clock. The reception was at five. So there you have it:

I missed the wedding for which I had flown all the way home and at which I was supposed to read.

Ponder the stupidity! Marvel at it! Question how I even am able to get out of bed and dress myself! I. Missed. The. Goddamned. Wedding.

My heart sank. I had got it in my head that the wedding was at five, and I simply did not look at the invitation again. It was just stuck in my head. No one else (like the smart people here in Arizona, my wife and my mother) looked at the invitation before I left and mentioned that the wedding was at three. I simply missed it. I immediately jumped in my car and made it to the reception at five exactly. I was very pissed off (at myself - calm down, I know who's at fault), but everyone told me not to worry about it. It's not like I was in the wedding party itself, so during the ceremony they just skipped my reading and moved on. It was a nice service, apparently. The bride was very gracious and said it didn't matter. They were actually worried about my health, as I had left the rehearsal dinner a little early because I had a splitting headache and my stomach was upset. So they were just happy I didn't have malaria, I guess.

I read the sonnet I was supposed to read at the wedding at the reception. Before the toasts, the best man made me come up and recite it, which made me happy. I can actually read, even though I obviously have no brain. I decided to blame the groom. On Friday we were discussing where I would sit, because I had to sit up front so I could easily get up to the podium. I asked him when I should get there to make sure I could get a seat, and I said, "I guess I should get there about 4.30." Instead of saying, "Why would you get there at 4.30 for a 3 o'clock wedding, you moron," he said, "Probably about 2.15." I thought he was joking by saying I should get there many hours before the ceremony. He didn't say it was because the wedding was at three.

The reception was typical. Weddings and receptions can be looked at two ways: a depressing ritual stifled by sameness, or a comforting ritual linking us to the past. I like receptions, but marvel at the weird sameness of them all. Can the bride say "I'm not dancing with my father"? Can the bride and groom say, "We're not throwing a bouquet and garter"? Did they even think of objecting? I'm not saying they should have, but if my friend Dave said, "I'm not smushing cake into my bride's face," would they have shouted him down and told him to behave? I don't know. They did not play The Chicken Dance or The Hustle, so that was a good thing. A fun time was had by all.

Some people who I had not seen for many years were at the wedding, and it was nice to chat with them. This is a picture of Rommel Acuna and his wife, Jen (a different Jen than the one I went out with on Thursday). Rommel is a funny guy - he seems to be very stoic and serious, but he has a goofy sense of humor. I haven't seen him or his wife since graduation (16 years ago), so it was fun to hang out with them.



I caught my friend Jen laughing. I was trying to get pictures of people when they weren't looking. I really like this picture. Jen is one of my best friends. She's a fantastic person, and I was really glad to see her.



Too many of my friends smoke. I hope they don't die young. Oh well - they know the risks. I told Jen and her friend Michelle to pose with their cigarettes. Michelle's husband, Heap (that's his last name, but everyone calls him that) looks on with scorn. Heap is quite the riot. I have known him for years, but I've never been very close to him. He's still very fun to hang out with. He just married Michelle recently. Apparently it was a good thing for him.



Finally, here is the groom, Dave. I ran out of film, so I didn't get pictures of him with his wife or pictures of Ken and Jim, which bummed me out. Oh well. I know what they look like. You, the good readers, are the losers. Sorry.



After the reception, we went out drinking. One of our party sang "Run To The Hills" by Iron Maiden on the karaoke. It was rather good, but quite scary. Karaoke is bizarre. Has anyone ever done karaoke without a liberal dose of alcohol? I wonder.

On Sunday I flew home to Arizona. The flight left on time, and all was well. The movie was Bewitched. It is not a good movie. Romantic comedies are very weird. They are almost completely dependent on chemistry - not writing, not the direction, but how the two leads react to each other. Will Farrell should not be a romantic lead. Nicole Kidman should have been Renee Zellweger.

So that was my weekend. I had a grand time. It's always nice going back to Pennsylvania and seeing my old friends. I wish I could visit a little more often (it had been almost three years), but I don't dwell on it. There is a lot to like about southeastern Pennsylvania, and my friends want us to move back, but we just don't know what we're going to do. We'll see. In the meantime, that's why I have a blog - so my friends can check in on what I'm doing - and that's why we have e-mail. If any of my friends I saw over the weekend is reading this, I just want to say that I love you all, and thanks for putting up with me. I appreciate you all.

Of course, the big debate about the weekend is: Am I getting dumber, or slightly smarter? Do I have hope? Let's review:

On Friday, I ran out of gas on a major highway.
On Saturday, I missed the wedding for which I made the entire trip.

Which is dumber (obviously, missing the wedding is worse)? I think running out of gas is dumber, which means I'm getting smarter. Whoo-hoo! But if Saturday's idiocy was dumber, then that means I'm actually getting stupider, which frightens me. How can I care for the children when I'm so stupid?????

I'll be back. Be good. I know I promised more New Zealand pictures. Perhaps tomorrow.

"Vacation, all I ever wanted ..." plus a BLOG CHALLENGE!

I am leaving for Pennsylvania tomorrow (Thursday, that is) and I shan't be back until Sunday evening. I am going to one of my oldest friend's wedding. I've been able to go to most of the weddings of people I care about, even though I have lived anywhere from 2000 to 3000 miles away when they occurred, and I'm glad I am able to go to this one. Krys is unable to go because she doesn't have any time to take off from work, but my mom came to town yesterday to help babysit. So not only do I get to see some old friends, I am baby-free for almost four whole days! Man, I hate to admit it, but it will be sweeeeet. Krys and I are already talking about taking a vacation next year without the children. We need a vacation.

This is my friend, Dave. That's his fiancée, Michelle. I've met her once. She's groovy.
 
 

As I live nowhere near them, I am not an usher in the wedding (I'm sure I would be, since I've known him longer than anyone except for his twin brother and his cousin), but he did ask me to read at the wedding. This is perfect practice for me to hone my public speaking skills, because as a future dictator, I must learn to sway vast amounts of people using only my voice! I have read at a wedding before (my sister's), so this will be yet another opportunity to gain influence among my future subjects. I will read this:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediment; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his highth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Watch me turn Bill's words into a call for revolution!

So I will be off the grid for a few days. I could use my dad's computer to check in, but I'm going to force myself not to. This means that there will be no football predictions this week, nor massive links to all the Internet has to offer, nor what we have learned about this week in football (I'll be flying on Sunday, so I will watch no games). I will post more pictures of my New Zealand adventure on Monday. All of this inactivity leads to ...

The Most Amazing Blog Challenge EVER!

Okay, maybe not ever. But it's still a challenge. I am challenging every person who reads this post to leave a comment. Some people who read this blog have never left a comment, and some do. If you only check in once a week, you have four days in which this post will be at the top of the page, and you have no excuses! If you wish to remain anonymous, I suppose that's fine too, but let me know if you're a different anonymous from any previous ones. You can say anything you want (be nice!), even just hello. You can expound on any topic that enters your head. It's free-form, man - it's like jazz! Some topics you can debate (but, obviously, are not limited to):

Worse impact on the United States: George Bush or Rob Schneider?
Why are the Cubs and Red Sox "lovable losers" but the White Sox and Phillies just losers?
Better eye-candy: Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves?
Hottest Lost babe: Kate or Sun or Shannon or Claire?
What is the worst thing about this blog?
What would you like to see more of on this blog?
What position would you like in the government I form when I take over? (Keep in mind that the Head of the Secret Police is already taken.)

Get to it! And sign my GuestMap while you're at it! Have a great weekend, everybody! Go Penn State!

Talkers

I was in the checkout line at the supermarket today and the woman in front of me noticed Norah and said how cute she was. Now, I can't really disagree with her, but that's not the point. She started talking about her own children and how they slept at certain times and how her husband was always hammering and nailing things because he was putting additions on their house and so the kids had to get used to it. Then she started talking to the woman in front of her, who was having her groceries bagged. I was putting my own purchases on the conveyor belt, so I didn't hear everything she said, but there was a lot of talk about popcorn ceilings and how to replace them and how her house has asbestos in it and her husband is a smoker so she won't let him work on it and once you do get rid of it, it's hazardous material so what do you do with it? After she left, the checker started asking about Norah and what it's like being a stay-at-home dad. I answered her questions as well as I could, because I do like talking about my daughters.

I didn't really mind any of this talking, but why does it occur? Why do certain people feel the obsessive need to chat with everyone? I didn't know the woman in front of me, yet she seemed compelled to tell me all sorts of things about her life. She felt compelled to tell the woman in front of her and the checker all about her life. I'm a friendly person, I suppose, but when I'm out at the supermarket or another store or someplace where I don't know people, I don't start blabbing about my personal life. If it's relevant, I'll mention it, and if someone asks, I'll answer, but I don't feel the need to share.

Am I a big jerk? Should we all chat in line and with clerks and with strangers about idiotic things like popcorn ceilings? I sympathize with Jerry Seinfeld during that episode when Kramer takes his picture and hangs it in the lobby. I wouldn't mind if people in my apartment building know me and say hello, but kissing hello and chatting for long periods of time would annoy me. I like exchanging brief greetings, but people, come on! I don't care about your asbestos.

You may now call me evil. Go ahead, I can take it.

The truth shall set you free!

This week there will be no big link post on Saturday (or Sunday, for that matter), but I still have a little time to surf around the Internet. I was checking out Sarcasmo's Corner, because it's a fun blog, and she linked to this: Type your thoughts, and it will show you THE TRUTH. Don't deny it, people - it's what we're all thinking!

What have we learned - Week 5

Well, it was shaping up to be a very excellent football weekend, and then the Eagles took the field. Crap.

We have learned that Andy Reid is a good football coach who might just be sliding into arrogance, not unlike Denny Green here in Arizona. It seems as if because everyone is telling him he can't win unless he has a running game, he is trying his hardest to prove them all wrong. Philadelphia ran the ball 9 times for 19 yards yesterday. I realize they got down early, but Holy Mother of God! That's shit. The Cowboys played an excellent game, but suddenly the Eagles look really bad. It's only one game, but their defense is not playing well. They have played one complete game - against San Francisco. Every other game they have gotten down early and have to come back. They need to figure out a way to get a lead. On ESPN this morning they were talking about how McNabb might want to consider surgery now. I'm starting to agree, especially with Andy Reid's playcalling. Jesus. For an example of why you should run the ball, see the Detroit game below.

Speaking of never running the ball, Arizona continues to ignore the run. They had a ten-point lead yesterday in the third quarter but couldn't put it away because they can't, or won't, run. Marcel Shipp is a good running back, but Green ignores him. Josh McCown has shown what good receivers can do for a relatively mobile quarterback, but Kurt Warner will probably be back in two weeks. Stupid. Go with the young guy, Denny!

So Detroit smacked around a Ravens team that committed 21 penalties. 21 goddamned penalties! I have never liked Baltimore, and now the rest of the world knows why - they're punks. Anyway, let's look at the Lions. Joey Harrington isn't exactly lighting it up, so they have to run a bit. Kevin Jones gained 58 yards on 26 carries - barely 2 yards a carry. But Mariucci stuck with the running game. He stuck with the running game. And he stuck with it some more, even when it wasn't working. Then, in the fourth quarter, when the Lions were trying to put the game away, they handed the ball to Shawn Bryson. Against a Ravens defense that had been valiant but pounded by the running game all day, Bryson went 77 yards for the touchdown that sealed it. What do you gain by running the ball? You keep your own defense fresh, but more importantly, you tire the other guys out. Nobody likes tackling running backs more than receivers, even a tough guy like Terrell Owens. That's what the running game does, and that's why Detroit won even with shitty numbers.

I didn't watch a lot of the Miami-Buffalo game, but Kelly Holcomb made some nice throws. I still don't understand why this guy hasn't gotten more of a chance in the league. Maybe he'll do some good things in Buffalo, if Losman doesn't whine his way back into the lineup. Hey, J.P. - you're a second-year guy. Shut up.

Boy, the Rams defense sucks. I watched a lot of this game, because I knew it would be entertaining, and it was. On Shaun Alexander's touchdown run in the third quarter, some St. Louis defender had a perfect bead on him. Alexander simply paused and let the guy fly right past him without even making any kind of effort to stop. Then Alexander walked into the end zone. Pathetic. Mike Holmgren seems to finally have figured out that Shaun Alexander needs to get the ball. Good boy, Walrus Man!*

* I just learned that Mike Martz has gone on indefinite leave. Ignoring the health issues (I don't know Martz, so although I will vaguely wish him well, it doesn't really matter to me), maybe the interim coach (the linebacker coach - huh?) will not be insane and run Steven Jackson more and protect Marc Bulger better.

The Titans beat the Texans. The two worst NFL teams squared off, and I didn't watch any of it. Is the David Carr era over? Should it be? Probably.

Good ol' Vinny, taking the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets to victory. I watched very little of this, but what I saw was boring. However, I expected it with these two teams. Tampa got four field goals. Score touchdowns, people! This is why we should eliminate field goals and extra points and punts. Only for kickoffs should we have kickers! Who's with me?

Did you see that Falcons passing game? Wow, that Michael Vick got good in a hurry! Oh, wait, it wasn't Vick? Wow, that Matt Schaub is pretty good. I hate to defend Vick's poor passing, but he has some crappy receivers - that Jenkins guy was wide open a couple of times, and he simply dropped the ball. No wonder Vick can't get the passing going. Why do I keep picking against the Patriots???? I will pick them from now on, so they will lose. Man, Tom Brady looked good. Put some damned pressure on him, why don't you, Atlanta?

Couldn't everyone see that Saints were going to lose that game? I didn't think it would be that bad, but it was still pretty evident New Orleans wasn't going to win. I have nothing to say about Nancy-Boy Favre, because I hate him. The team still sucks.

I may have to jump on the Cleveland bandwagon, because I'm sure Disintegrating Clone will stop by and tell me how good they are. Although he might not want me to pick them, because I'll jinx them! I watched the last couple of minutes, so I saw the two touchdown throws by Dilfer, who looks like he has figured out how to be a quarterback instead of a "game manager." I have no problem with Cleveland winning, because I have no reason to hate them.

Indy is 5-0, but they really haven't beaten anyone. It's weird how some teams (New England, Philadelphia) get really hard schedules, while Indy, who was just as good, gets a pretty easy schedule. I'm not complaining, mind you, because that's the way it is, but it is strange. They play at home against St. Louis next week, which might be an interesting game. They really didn't dominate San Francisco, after all. Yes, it was 28-3, but they really didn't destroy them.

That looked like a fun game in Denver yesterday, with the driving rain. Denver got really lucky with that "incomplete" pass that Jake Plummer threw. Come on, that was a fumble. That tuck rule is stupid. STUPID!

And so the Bengals fall from the ranks of the unbeaten teams. Oh well. I didn't watch any of this game, because the children were being evil and I was peeved about the Eagles game, but you're not going to go undefeated, after all. How did the Jaguars score any points? Anyone watch the game? Woody? Are you out there?

Other weekend thoughts: Penn State won. All is right in the world. Well, not quite, but that was still a sweet win. Arizona State spit up a huge hairball against Oregon, a game I liked because it's one of those where I don't care who wins, as I like both teams, and can just be entertained. The Braves lost, which is very sweet (although that game yesterday was nowhere near "the greatest postseason game ever"), and the Red Sox lost, which is also very sweet. The Yankees were so close to losing, which would have been sweet. Maybe tonight the Evil Empire will go down, and then Boston and New York and Atlanta will be gone, and life will be wonderful.

Well, I'm sorry for the football talk, you readers who don't like it, but come on - it's football! I know I'm not a typical guy in that I don't like power tools and I've never been to a strip club, but I have to get the testosterone flowing somehow!

Picture day takes us to New Zealand!

After I left Australia in July 1992, I spent a week in New Zealand before flying home. I went with three girls - I'm such a ladies' man, you know - two of whom with I had journeyed to Tasmania in March 1992 (as seen here, here, here, and here). As we had only a week, we could only wander around the North Island, and therefore didn't get to see many of the places where Peter Jackson filmed The Lord of the Rings (we also didn't as far south as Wellington, where at least one occasional reader of this blog lives). New Zealand is a beautiful country, with ten times as many sheep as people. Of course, the people who are there never get lonely!

To get started, we need a map! Whoo-hoo! This is a pretty good map, actually - I know it's small, but you can always click it and enlarge it a bit.



We flew into Auckland, the capital, and hopped on a bus. We drove down the center of the island to Hamilton and then Waitomo. Waitomo is a very neat town whose claim to fame is caves. Yes, caves. You can go black water tubing through these caves. It's awesome. Obviously, I couldn't take any picture inside the caves (it's freakin' pitch black, after all), but I could show how you go into the caves. Voila!

After we came out of the caves, we ate thick bread and hot carrot soup. It may have been the best meal I've ever had.

Waitomo remains in my memory for a couple of things: the night we spent there was, I'm pretty sure, the day Andre Agassi won Wimbledon, and I watched the match in a bar, cheering him on (I've always liked Agassi). In that bar I also had Waikato Draught beer, which is one of the best "normal" beers I've ever had (boutique beers don't count, because they're, well, boutique). Drink some Waikato Draught today!

From Waitomo we drove south and then cut across the island to Napier, on the east coast. Napier is a cool city. In 1931 it was destroyed by an earthquake, and the city was completely rebuilt in the style of the times.¹ Luckily for us, the style of the times was ART DECO! Art Deco is, of course, superb. So a lot of the city is in this style, and they're very proud of it. Napier overlooks Hawke's Bay, and if you can afford it, maybe you can live in this neighborhood!



We climbed up this bluff and wandered around for a while. That was when I was young and svelte, after all (see the first picture).

We ate at McDonald's and I guess my friend Lisa Ellis didn't like her food too much. She expressed her disgust:

If she ever stumbles across this blog, I'm sure she'll be happy to see that I posted this picture!

Finally, it was on to ...

The Kiwi House! It's New Zealand - of course there's a Kiwi House!

So there you have it - a small taste of New Zealand. Next week we get into Art Deco in a huge way. You won't be able to stand the coolness!

¹ Kind of like when Grandpa Simpson says he used to wear an onion in his belt, as was the style of the times.

The Robot Pope, Ann Coulter is angry, the Face of Doom, and the caviar Virgin Mary - it must be the links!

It was a tough week to surf the Internet, because the children were quite evil and decided, even more so than usual, that sleeping is for suckers. Norah kept falling asleep in my arms, and the instant I tried to put her in her crib, she would wake up. And laugh. "That's concentrated evil," say I.¹

So the links are not as abundant as they usually are, but they're still high quality. Would I let you down in that department? And next week they won't be here, because I am, quite literally, taking a few days off. I mean, getting on a plane and flying to someplace else. So here are your links for this (and next) week:

The funny stuff.

My friend Barbara pointed out Harriet Miers' blog. Truly brilliant and twisted.

Where to go in case of a zombie attack.

Ten ways to improve the quality of life in the U.S. My favorite: put Stan Lee on the 20-dollar bill.

Chris Sims and Kevin Church rhapsodize about Dave Campbell. Dave Campbell, of course, is the genius mastermind behind Dave's Long Box.

Children ask the best questions.

Hail the Robot Pope!



Here are photoshopped pictures showing what the world would be like if characters from Middle Earth existed. Like, say, what happened to Saruman after he fled Isengard?

I found the link at Sarcasmo's Corner.

The comic book stuff.

T. is angry about the recent portrayals of Superman and Wonder Woman. I like T. I don't agree with him very often, because he's a good conservative, but he makes interesting points about comics and society. And then we can argue, which we do. It's fun!

Marc Singer has interesting thoughts about Grant Morrison's Arkham Asylum.

Holy. Dear. God.

Today's out-of-context comic book panel is brought to you by Tom Peyer.

The political stuff.

The House sends bill to the Senate that "streamlines" the rules about building new oil refineries. Including some of the ones that force companies to come up with blends that reduce air pollution. Apparently a lot of Republicans either voted against this or didn't vote, but Bill Frist and Tom DeLay used "the photos" and the bill passed by 2 votes. The Republicans' contempt for anything not oil-related continues!

Hey, remember that Supreme Court decision about government taking private land and giving it to other private owners? Remember how it wasn't going to destroy our way of life? Well, it's already starting. This is sad. A New Jersey town is trying to steal private land to give it to a different developer who happens to be in bed with the local government. America is awesome! I found this at Tuesday Morning Quarterback. I always tell you that you should read it! It's not just about football! Lots of other stories of abuse here.

Why we need a line-item veto. Senator John Kyl (R-AZ) attached an amendment to the Violence Against Women Act permitting the government to collect the DNA of ANYONE detained by federal authorities, whether or not they are convicted or even charged with a crime. Of course, Bush wouldn't use the line-item veto, but still. I found this on Blog for Arizona.

Here are options for after Roe v. Wade gets overturned. It's coming, people! Surprisingly, it's not all apocalyptic. I don't want it to happen, but we won't return to the Dark Ages, either.

This article is about the underclass. It deals a lot with illegitimate children and the effect they have on society. I found it at Ace of Spades, who, not surprisingly, blames illegitimacy mostly on women. I read Ace of Spades, but I disagree with almost everything he writes. He has some seriously medieval views of women, I'll tell you that much. Read his reaction and see if I'm off base!

Ann Coulter gets her panties in a serious bunch over Harriet Miers. I love when Ann Coulter is angry. This is all over the 'net, but I saw it at Balloon Juice.

An Islamic cleric gets it about religion and politics.

The Signs of the Apocalypse stuff.

Eeeek! It's the Face of Doom!

If you can't tell where the Face of Doom is, go here to see it better.

Seattle is considering banning lap dances. Dear God, no!

Roger pointed this story out to me: The guy who invented fake dog testicles. Prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs. The cure for cancer? The cure for AIDS? Screw that - unmanned dogs need their manhood back!

The miscellaneous stuff.

Everyone knows Boy George got busted for possession, right? Well, now comes news that his lawyer says the cocaine in his apartment wasn't his. According to the lawyer, Mr. Boy has a lot of people in his apartment, and any of them could have left the coke. I don't really have an opinion about this, but I love when people get busted for drugs, and their defense is, "All the people I know are losers who do drugs, but it wasn't mine." My advice: stop hanging out with those kinds of people. It seems so simple. If you read the story, by the way, there is a great picture of Boy, looking, well, idiotic.

Opening soon in London will be a sexual "theme park." Now, before you go booking your plane tickets, it's just an educational museum kind of thing - no "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride," if you get my meaning! Stupid educational kinky stuff.

Here's a story about a Russian art gallery that has removed a Virgin Mary made out of caviar. Now, as stupid as art made out of caviar is, don't crazy Christians have better things to do? I guess the answer is: if they're crazy, no.

This is pretty funny: A man and woman were arrested in India for loud porn. Apparently, in India (and here, for all I know) you have to keep your porn quiet. Sounds reasonable. Those people who aren't getting any don't want to hear others who are, after all.

This is just icky. A man and his mother had a twin burial. What's so icky about that? His mother died 21 years ago, and he kept her embalmed as per her wishes. How to you get women with that sort of situation?

Fun links to sites about Manos the Hands of Fate, quite possibly the worst movie ever made.

Sarcasmo's Corner links to Haunted photos. Buy your own!

Here and here are interesting discussions about why more people don't believe in evolution. A response comes, of course, from Pharyngula.

This is an interesting article, but the headline cracked me up: To More Inmates, Life Term Means Dying Behind Bars. Um, what did they think "life term" means? This is from Balloon Juice.

The Catholic Church has issued a document saying that not all the Bible is literally true. Damned politically correct Catholics! Don't they know it's ALL TRUE! This is from Andrew Sullivan.

Ashley has a problem at the local watering hole. This post has strippers!

Enjoy the links! I know you may only waste half the time you usually do, but I hope they still keep you away from spending time with your families for a little while!

¹ Name that movie reference! It's old-school!

Horrible self-indulgence

Today is the first anniversary of the day I started this blog. I had been surfing the blogaxy for a while, so I decided I could do it just as well as anybody else, right? Hubris, maybe, but what the hell.

Blogging has been lots of fun. Most people who start blogs start off hot and gradually lose interest. Interestingly enough, I am posting more than when I started. I once went over a week without posting! Shocking! I think it's because I know people are reading this thing, so I like to give them new content. (Recently, however, I get the feeling only a few of you are reading - I don't know why; it's just a feeling. I know people are still there, it's just strange, and weirdly eerie. And spooky. And bizarre. I feel like I should pull a Pink Floyd and ask "Is there anybody out there?") I have no plans to stop, either, people! Anyway, because I am horribly in love with myself (like George Hamilton in that new Dell commercial - that cracks me up) I thought I would link to my favorite stuff over the last year. This includes stuff on Comics Should Be Good, because I would have been blathering on about comics here if Brian had invited me over there. I did, however, ignore the stuff on Mia and Norah's blog, The Daughter Chronicles, because that's more of a running commentary. You can still visit it often! Don't you want to know all about my cute daughters?

Here's my first post, by the way. It was quite unimpressive. Who knew the glory that would follow?

Rants about politics and society. When I'm angry, you need to know about it!

Stay at home mothers and why they annoy me. Calm down, I'm not talking about all of them.
I'm sick of the Lord. Yes I am.
Here's my angry rant about the election results.
Pulp Fiction versus Forrest Gump. It's the main event!
What we're teaching our children. Not good things.
American gods. Who we worship.
Why I don't support the troops.
Where the Iraqi things are. Apologies to Maurice Sendak.
Elections are meaningless. Ah, the bleakness!
Why I'm an underachieving bastard.
Illegal immigration and the problems with the government.
Why super-patriots scare me more than evil leftists.
Things I'm tired of.
Reflections on Vietnam.
Why I love America.
My education rant. Now this was fun!
Corollary to my education rant.
The future of America. Read about it with despair!
Why Christians should be liberal.
Thoughts about cynicism.
The saga of the Wilson 4.
I'm proud to be anti-Americanism.
Politics makes me ill. And I want to join in!
Human arrogance in the face of Hurricane Katrina.
Thoughts about downtown Phoenix.
Unintended consequences of laws. They rule.
Thoughts on entering politics. Look out, people - I'm taking the plunge!

My rants about popular culture.

I'm angry at U2. Sacred cows go down here at the blog!
Why Desperate Housewives isn't amoral.
TV shows that should be on DVD.
Thoughts on television.
Recasting Jason and the Argonauts.
Naked Marilyn Chambers with Ivory Soap. No, I'm not making that up.
A movie recommendation for you: The Princess and the Warrior.
Spin's top 100 albums of the past 20 years. This post holds the record for most comments on this blog - 26 of them. Yes, some people throw up a post about what they found in their toilet and get 150 comments, but I'm just a wee blogger.
Good or lucky directors? You be the judge!
Recasting The Maltese Falcon.

Fun personal information about my family. Because here on the blog we air our dirty laundry!

Things Krys and I say to each other because we're cool married people. Nothing dirty, I swear!
Thoughts about my father.
A fun note my wife wrote to me.
Something I overheard as I was walking to my soccer game.
My confessions. Shocking!
My surreal story.
Weird things I do in the bathroom. Again, nothing dirty! We're wholesome and Republican on this blog!
How I met my wife.
Why I'm exotic and you're not.

True Tales From My Childhood. I should talk more about my childhood, but these memories take a long time to recall. Sometimes they're too painful.

My First Time.
The Last Time I Wet The Bed.
The Girl With The Hat. NO ONE pointed out how weird it was that this was awfully familiar to a certain Prince song.

People who should look out when I'm dictator.

People who don't know songs by the bands on their T-shirts.
"Gold-collar" kids.
Men who wear sleeveless shirts.
People with poor elevator etiquette.
People named "Katrina" who change their names.

Totally random history.

Gregory of Tours.
Procopius.
Jean Froissart.

Shaved-head cat pictures. Just for fun, since he is now okay.

Smokey.
More Smokey.
Yet more Smokey.

Books I have read and what I thought of them.

American Aurora by Richard Rosenfeld.
The Queen's Man and Cruel As The Grave by Sharon Kay Penman.
The French Foreign Legion by Douglas Porch.
The Boxer Rebellion by Diana Preston.
The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman.
Shame by Salman Rushdie.
Future Noir: The Making of Blade Runner by Paul Sammon.
Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser.
Reefer Madness by Eric Schlosser.
Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott and Tales From Fish Camp by Danielle Henderson.
Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins.
Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner.

Great songs, according to me.

Part One.
Part Two.
Part Three.
Part Four.
Part Five.
Part Six.
Part Seven.
Part Eight.
Part Nine.
Part Ten.
Part Eleven.
Part Twelve.

Comic book stuff.

Philosophy in movies and comic books.
Why I don't buy Mark Millar comics.
100 things I love about comics.
Here's a geeky post about Psylocke.
Why aren't there more anthologies?
Why I didn't like Planet of the Capes.
Murder mysteries in comics.
I wonder if I'm Larry Young's bitch.
How to fix the X-books.
The Golden Age of comics.
A review of Nil: A Land Beyond Belief.
A review of The Batman Chronicles. It's at the end of the post, but you can find it. I don't mean to crow, but I love this review.
The history of American through comics.
Gender politics in comics.
My negative review of Owly, which pissed off a lot of people.
Why Sue Storm is a goddess among women.
Things I miss about comics.
Reviews of Deep Sleeper and Different Ugliness, Different Madness. Two excellent trade paperbacks.
Why I don't like Super F*ckers.
Why do comic book writers hate democracy?
Where are the Christians in comic books?
Should we hate Batman?
Comics I'm proud I bought.
The best "failed" comic books.
Review of The King.
Thoughts about Smoke and Guns.
Why I still buy monthly comic books.
Why do some comic book writers hate superheroes? Tons o' comments on that one!

The Award-Winning series: Comics You Should Own.

300 by Frank Miller.
1963 by Alan Moore and various artists.
Alias by Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Gaydos.
Amazing Spider-Man #229-230 by Roger Stern, John Romita Jr., and Jim Mooney.
Amazing Spider-Man #238-251 by Roger Stern and a bunch of people.
Animal Man by Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, and Chas Truog.
Arrowsmith by Kurt Busiek and Carlos Pacheco.
Atlantis Chronicles by Peter David and Esteban Maroto.
Aquaman by Peter David, Marty Egelund, and Jim Calafiore.
The Authority by Mark Millar, Tom Peyer, Frank Quitely, Dustin Nguyen, and Arthur Adams.
Automatic Kafka by Joe Casey and Ashley Wood.
Avengers Annual #10 by Chris Claremont, Michael Golden, and Armando Gill.
Avengers Forever by Kurt Busiek, Carlos Pacheco, and Jesus Merino.
Aztek, the Ultimate Man by Grant Morrison, Mark Millar, N. Steven Harris, and Keith Champagne.

Sorry for the self-indulgence. I won't do it again. Well, until next October. I'll keep writing if you keep reading! Actually, I'm so full of myself I'll probably keep writing if no one is reading! Thanks to everyone who stops by regularly. I do notice, really, and I appreciate it. You will all be remembered when this blog turns into a propaganda machine that leads directly to my rise as dictator! Onward to the future!

Football predictions you can't live without!

I usually do these on Fridays, but I have something horribly self-indulgent tomorrow, so bear with me. I like to shake things up here at Delenda Est Carthago!

Hit it!

Carolina (-3) 24, ARIZONA 13. Yes, it was a nice win by the Cardinals last week, and yes, they're playing at home, where they actually win a few games, but winning streaks for the Cardinals are few and far between. Panthers win. Sorry, Cardinals.
Chicago (+3) 24, CLEVELAND 20. This is a tough game to call. Neither team is great, but both teams can play well. Cleveland is at home, but I'm giving the edge to the better defense. I know I said I was sort of on the Browns bandwagon, but not yet. Not yet, Fake Browns!
GREEN BAY (-3) 35, New Orleans 26. The Favres can't go 0-5, can they? They got hot late in the game against Carolina, and the Saints are once again on the road, and the Packers can't be that horrible, can they? Can they????¹
NEW YORK JETS (+3) 20, Tampa 14. Vinny to the rescue! It's in New Jersey, the Bucs have to lose eventually, and the Jets get Vinny back to lead them to victory! It's the perfect story!²
ST. LOUIS (-3) 28, Seattle 20. Poor Seahawks. They go on the road again. Mike Martz may not coach because of health issues, and although I hope he's okay, that can only be good for the Rams. St. Louis can't make insane calls two weeks in a row, can they? Can they????
ATLANTA (-3) 26, New England 14. This is a dangerous game for the Falcons. The Patriots don't lose two in a row, and the last time they lost, they went into Pittsburgh and smacked the Steelers around. However, I can't go against Atlanta. I don't like picking them because they are rivals to my beloved Eagles, but I have to.
BUFFALO (-2.5) 17, Miami 7. Kelly Holcomb gets the start. I always thought he was a better quarterback than anyone gave him credit for being. The Bills, like the Jets, rally behind the new guy!
DETROIT (-1) 21, Baltimore 13. I'm only picking the Lions because I think they ride the momentum from the end of last game. And the Ravens stink on offense. STINK!
Tennessee (+3) 14, HOUSTON 10. Possibly the two worst teams in the league (the Packers are up there, but they're kind of entertaining). If last week's Jets-Ravens game set the NFL back a century, this may kick it back into the Middle Ages.
Indianapolis (-14) 42, SAN FRANCISCO 10. Alex Smith gets his first start. This could get ugly real fast.
Philadelphia (-3) 30, DALLAS 17. I picked against the Eagles last week. More fool me. This isn't actually a homer pick - I just don't think the Cowboys are good enough yet to challenge Philly.
DENVER (-6.5) 20, Washington 10. Washington does not remain unbeaten. They're on the road, against a pretty good Broncos team, and they're just not that good.
Cincinnati (+2.5) 27, JACKSONVILLE 13. How are the Jaguars favored in this game? Because they're at home? They have no offense to speak of. How will they score? This is another huge game for the Bengals. They are coming off a weak game offensively and they go on the road to play a decent team. I still don't see how Jacksonville will keep up offensively.
SAN DIEGO (-2.5) 24, Pittsburgh 17 (Monday Night). Yes, the Steelers are coming off a bye week, but the Chargers looked really stinkin' good last week, and they seem to be the kind of team who can man up physically against Pittsburgh. And they're at home. That says WIN for the Chargers!

Penn State's dream season comes crashing down this weekend, I fear. They play at home, but it's against Ohio State. I will be shaking my head and crying a lot on Saturday night, I think.

¹ I wish they could be, but I can't believe it.
² I don't really think Vinny is that good a quarterback. I love him, though, because he threw 5 interceptions against Penn State in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl, which helped the Lions win a National Championship. That makes Vinny okay in my book.

The perfect couple

Krys and I are the perfect couple. Bow down before us!

We're watching Lost tonight, and Katie Segal is a guest star. I didn't recognize her right away, so I said to Krys, "Isn't that ...?" She said, "Yes." Then she smiled and said, "Katie Segal? Peg Bundy? Yes."

Then a commercial for Invasion came on. We've been watching it, but we haven't made up our minds about it yet. So on the commercial, the sheriff's daughter is featured prominently, and I said, "She's like a low-rent ..." and Krys said, "Yeah. Her. That one." I said, "Fairuza Balk."¹ She said, "I know."

We're telepathic, I tells ya! That is why we are the perfect couple. Deal with it.

¹ We often say certain people are "low-rent so-and-so" if the celebrity resembles another one who is more famous. For instance, Leelee Sobieski is a low-rent Helen Hunt. Skeet Ulrich is a low-rent Johnny Depp. Play at home - it's fun!

Floss for Commies

I don't like to floss, but I like my teeth more, so I do it sporadically. Because I only do it sporadically, I often find myself without floss, so I have to use Krys's floss. She uses that woven crap with minty flavor. I use the manly single strand that is unflavored. I hate the woven crap. You know who uses woven floss? Commies. Girly Commies. If you use the woven crap instead of the manly single strand, you know who wins? The terrorists. Thank you for your attention.

Great sports mythologies - debunked!

Yes, I'm still thinking about sports. Sue me.

I was watching Cold Pizza on ESPN2, as I am wont to do (in the mornings before I take Mia to school, she is usually playing on the floor while I feed Norah, and while Mia eats breakfast, I try to leave her alone as much as possible, because she's a big girl), and they had a list of the 60 greatest home runs in baseball history. They did one a day, and I saw a few and missed most of them. Anyway, last week the Number One home run was unveiled, and it should surprise no one with a passing familiarity with baseball:

Bobby Thomson's "Shot Heard 'Round the World" that won the pennant for the New York Giants in 1951 over the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Now, I'm certainly not going to deny that home run of its place in history, but the list got me thinking about sports mythology and why it occurs. Sports plays such a big part of our society, and although it's not the most important thing in the world, I would argue it does factor into how we feel about ourselves and our community, so it's somewhat important. Over the years, we have built up a sports mythology that everyone just takes for granted. This is dangerous, not because of how it relates to sports, but because how it relates to the bigger society. We tend to accept things that are handed down over the generations without really challenging them all that much. When someone does challenge the "conventional wisdom," they are yelled down. I mentioned this when I wrote about Freakonomics, but it's worth keeping in mind. Debunking sports mythology can help us view other things critically. So I have to practice my critical thinking! I'm also going to be a homer, because I know more about Philadelphia sports than other places. Sorry!

First, the Bobby Thomson home run. Yes, it was all very dramatic. But the No. 1 home run of all time? Need I remind anyone that the Giants lost the World Series that year? The Yankees brushed them aside like they were tiny little boys. It didn't matter who won the National League pennant that year, because the Yankees were in the middle of winning 5 Series in a row, and nobody was going to beat them.

So why is it No. 1? Because of the drama and glory that has grown up around it. Hell, novels have been written about it! (It's a very good book, by the way - I recommend it.) These were two New York teams, and if you didn't play baseball in New York in the 1930s through the early 1960s, you didn't matter. One of the best center fielders of all time was Richie Ashburn and one of the best pitchers of all time was Robin Roberts. They both played for the Phillies, so no one mentions them.

The Giants of 1951 were certainly a dramatic team, but they get the publicity because of their location and the team they beat. Roger Kahn memorialized the Brooklyn Dodgers of the 1950s in The Boys of Summer, which is a great book, to be sure, but it made the Dodgers into mythical heroes. So anything involving the Dodgers becomes bigger than life. That's the way things are. Interestingly enough, another home run hit precisely one year earlier in similar circumstances was nowhere near the top of Cold Pizza's list (it may have appeared further down, but I doubt it). In 1950, the Philadelphia Phillies, who had been nicknamed the Whiz Kids (in today's sports climate, that would mean they are all on steroids, but back then they were the youngest team in the majors) beat the same Dodger team on the last day of the season thanks to a Del Ennis home run and a great throw by Ashburn to cut a runner down at the plate. No one ever talks about the Ennis home run. Why not? Because the Phillies were swept in the Series by the Yankees? So were the Giants. The only reason is because the Phillies didn't play in New York.

What's astonishing is the Giants had a more dramatic home run in their history! In 1954 they played the awesome Cleveland Indians, who had won 111 games, an American League record that would stand until 2001. Nobody gave the Giants a chance. Then Willie Mays made his big catch on Vic Wertz, something everyone has heard of, but guess what? One catch doesn't win a ball game. Dusty Rhodes, who played only 7 years in the majors and hit only 54 home runs, whacked one late to win the first game, and the Giants swept the shell-shocked Indians. That's more "important" in baseball history, in my mind.

The number 2 home run was Bill Mazeroski's home run to beat the Yankees in the 1960 World Series. I have no problem with that. But Joe Carter's home run to beat the Phillies in the 1993 World Series wasn't in the top 5. As much as it pains me to say it, that was a pretty important home run. The Pirates, if you recall, were tied with the Yankees. The Blue Jays were losing, and even though it was Game Six, if they lost that game, I'm pretty sure Curt Schilling would have pitched Game Seven, and who knows what would have happened. But it's nowhere to be found. Third on the list was Roger Maris's sixty-first home run in 1961. Well, okay, but it didn't win a World Series.

This is what I'm talking about. We get so locked into the "conventional wisdom" that we just say, Sure, those guys know what they're talking about. So here's some things from the world of sports to chew on (remembering that I'm a homer):

The Yankees and Red Sox win all the time ONLY BECAUSE OF THE MONEY THEY SPEND. I'm sorry, but that's a fact. Yes, they have good players, and yes, they have good managers, but chop the payroll in half and they wouldn't be able to keep those players. The Phillies have a pretty good hitting team, but they couldn't afford good starting pitching this year. Most teams are in that boat. Not New York and Boston.

Some great college football teams you have heard of: Oklahoma in the 1950s, Nebraska in the 1970s, Miami and Florida State in the 1980s, Miami in the late 1990s and early 2000s, USC right now. Some great college football teams you haven't heard of (because they aren't sexy):

The University of Washington, 1908-1916. Okay, this is too old-school to mention, but UDub, coached by the legendary Gil Dobie, went 58-0-3 in nine years. Think about that, Miami and USC!

Penn State, 1968-1969. Penn State fans still hate Richard Nixon. Not because of his criminal "record," but because in 1969 he declared the winner of the Texas-Arkansas game the National Champion. This was in the regular season, mind you. Wimpy sportswriters didn't dare go against Tricky Dick (maybe they didn't want to get put on his enemies' list?) and they voted Texas the Champion. Penn State, at that time, was in the middle of 30 wins in a row. Ever heard of Lydell Mitchell and Franco Harris? Yeah, they played for the Nittany Lions in those years.

Penn State, 1994. This still irks me. This was one of the great offenses in college football history. I'm stunned Kirk Herbstreit mentioned them on Game Day this past weekend in conjunction with debating whether USC has the greatest offense of all time. Kerry Collins, Bobby Engram, Ki-Jana Carter - they had no weaknesses on offense. They still are the team that hung the worst beating on Ohio State in Columbus, 63-14. They waltzed through the regular season and played bored against Oregon in the Rose Bowl and still stomped them, 38-20. So why aren't they National Champions? Because Paterno didn't want to run up the score. I'm serious. Late in the year, when they were ranked Number One, they had a big lead against Indiana, of all crappy teams. Paterno pulled everyone and the Hoosiers scored two late touchdowns and two two-point conversions. The last eight points came with no time on the clock, and PSU ended up winning by only three (I think). Anyway, idiot voters who didn't watch the game thought they had trouble with a pathetic team, and leapfrogged Nebraska over the Lions. This rarely happens today, because the theory is if you're ranked Number One, you have to lose to not be ranked Number One, but everyone felt bad for Tom Osborne because he hadn't won a National Championship and Paterno had won two. The bowl system meant they couldn't play each other, so instead of giving them a split Championship, which had happened in 1990 and 1991, Nebraska got the whole enchilada. And nobody ever mentions a great college football team.

Some great baseball teams no one talks about:

The Detroit Tigers, 1907-1909.
The Philadelphia Athletics, 1910-1914 and 1929-1931.
The New York Giants, 1922-1925.
The Cincinnati Reds, 1936-1940.
The St. Louis Cardinals, 1964-1968 (they get a little more publicity, because of Bob Gibson, but damn! they were excellent).
The Philadelphia Phillies, 1976-1983.

Oh, and Mike Schmidt is the greatest third baseman in baseball history. You can take Brooks Robinson and shove him someplace dark and lonely.

I have gone on way too long, and I apologize. It just bugs me when sports people repeat by rote what they have heard elsewhere. As I mentioned, it's too common a phenomenon elsewhere in society, too. It's fine to abide by the conventional wisdom, but at least question it before you become a disciple! Break free! Don't accept that:

Bucky Dent's home run is the most dramatic in Yankee history.
Carlton Fisk's home run in the 1975 World Series meant anything. The Red Sox LOST THE DAMNED THING!
Brett Favre is a great quarterback. He had always thrown way too many interceptions, and only now are people starting to call him on it.
Shaq is a good basketball player. If I were eight feet tall and weighed 400 pounds, I'd be pretty good too.
The Braves are a great team. Great teams win World Series, Atlanta. The Marlins have won more Series than you have during this "great" run of yours.

Any other conventional wisdom about sports you'd like to trash? Feel free!

Comics You Should Own

For those people who miss all my comic book ramblings, my latest column for Buzzscope is up: Aztek, The Ultimate Man #1-10 are Comics You Should Own. Check it out!

What have we learned - Week 4

As we enter another long week without football (boo-hoo!), let's reflect on this past weekend.

First, a rant. This morning on The Herd with Colin Cowherd, Colin, whom I enjoy listening to because he has some crazy opinions and sticks to them, said that the baseball playoffs were Bud Selig's wet dream (okay, he didn't say that, but it would have been cooler if he did). He said a week ago things were looking bad because the Marlins or Phillies or Indians might have gotten in, but now things were wonderful.

Bullshit. Cowherd is not an East Coast guy, but he's been seduced by the crap that is Red Sox-Yankees. Does anyone west of the Hudson care anymore about these two teams? He also said that it's better that the Astros made it than the Phillies because no one in Philadelphia cares about the Phillies because it's a football and college basketball town. He's an idiot. Sure, Philly is much more a football town than a baseball town, but nobody in Houston cares about the Astros. They like Roger Clemens, but they don't care about the Astros. And Atlanta? Those people haven't cared about the Braves in years. He said Bud liked that the Los Angeles market is represented, but I would argue that L.A. is a Dodger town, and they don't give a tiny rat's ass about the Angels, even after they won the Series. And Chicago doesn't care about the White Sox, either. Sure, it's a huge market, but it's a Cubs market. And no one in San Diego cares about the Padres. If you lived in San Diego, you wouldn't have to live vicariously through sports teams, either. I think the playoffs are interesting, but I would LOVE if the Yankees and Red Sox and Braves and Cardinals all went down in the first round. I am SO sick of the Yankees and Red Sox. Lose, please. LOSE QUICKLY!

NFL thoughts, even though my evil wife made me go out with her the morning so I missed a lot of the early games¹:

Well, if you're not a Kansas City fan, that Eagles game yesterday was a great one. I was this close to bailing on it, but what the hell else am I going to do with my Sunday afternoons, right? Donovan McNabb is truly awesome. I'm still squeamish about the Eagles throwing the ball so much, but as long as their offensive line plays so well, it doesn't matter. This was a huge win, because their schedule is very difficult, so every win is huge.

The record will now show that the Cardinals played in front of the largest crowd in NFL history. That's sad. Arizona got its head out of its ass for a while, though, which is nice. I'm sick of people talking about Denny Green as if he was some kind of genius. He's egotistical, and keeps insisting on playing "his" guys, even though his guys might not be the best people he can put out there. Last year he benched Josh McCown after the Cardinals had won two games in a row. Last night McCown threw for almost 400 yards. Sure, it was against the 49ers, but still. When immobile Kurt Warner comes back, want to guess who gets the start? Stupid Denny Green.

I figured the Saints would win their first "home" game, especially because the Bills just aren't that good. Calling Aaron Brooks one of the top quarterbacks in the game, as someone did on ESPN last night, is pushing it. Let's not go overboard, people.

I wrote on Friday, and I quote, "If Mike Martz doesn't do anything insane (which, to be honest, he usually does), the Rams win relatively easily." Where is ESPN with my analyst job, please? I watched some of that game, and yes, the Giants were moving the ball easily, but I missed the Mike Martz insane play of the week - trying to run a reverse at the New York 10-yard line, and not just any reverse, but a reverse in which the running back pitched the ball to the receiver. Fumble, Giants recover, Rams never threaten again. They were only losing by ten at that point, and the Rams were starting to impose their will. Then, it all went to hell. That's because Mike Martz is insane. INSANE!

The Seahawks wuss out on the road. Why won't anyone listen to me???? Okay, here's the thing: Seattle gets the ball back on an interception with a minute left and the game tied. The ball is at the Washington 45-yard line or so. Do the Seahawks try to move the ball downfield to give their kicker a better chance at the field goal? Of course not - that's not how we do things in the NFL! They move five yards and ask their kicker (who's pretty good, to be sure) to kick a 47-yard field goal on the road in front of a hostile crowd. It's not automatic by any means, and he almost made it. What does that say about the coaching staff? They have no confidence in their offense - they don't think they can move 20 yards or so without turning the ball over. This is a bad loss for the Seahawks, because the offense knows Mike Holmgren doesn't have any confidence in them.

I watched almost none of the Denver-Jacksonville game. Jake Plummer threw two touchdowns to an offensive (or is he a defensive?) tackle. One would think the Jaguars would have wised up after the first one. But no!

Everyone knew Peyton Manning would warm up, and he did in a hurry against a bad Titans team. Now everyone has them going 7-0 into Foxboro. Maybe. Probably, actually, but this is the NFL, so don't count those chickens. Is this finally Indy's year?

The Bengals-Texans game was a good one for Cincinnati to win. Yes, they haven't played anyone, and their next three games are against, you know, actual teams, but this was still a good test for them. They were against a team they should have beaten easily, and when it all didn't go their way early, they could have folded like some talented but young teams. However, they found a way to win. The Bengals are looking better and better. We'll see what happens when they play the big boys.

I'm not really sure that the Lions got jobbed at Tampa, but if you read the actual rule book, it does say the video has to be "indisputable." You can dispute the call, so I suppose you could say Detroit should have won the game. But let's talk about the previous 59 minutes, when Detroit intercepted Brian Griese three times and couldn't get touchdowns, or the two plays after the bad call, when Harrington couldn't get it in the end zone. Yes, the call was bad, but good teams overcome bad calls. The Lions are not a good team.

San Diego might be the best team in the AFC. Yes, I know Indy is in the AFC, but the Chargers went into the House of the Champs and beat them up. They just toyed with the Patriots. We'll see if the Colts can do that in a month or so. I'm not really a Patriot-hater, but it is nice to see them get taken down a notch. They beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl, after all, so I must despise them!

I was so close to getting the final score of the Jets-Ravens game (I said 13-6 Baltimore, and it was 13-3). I told you the first team to two points wins! Boy, that was an excruciating game to watch for the five minutes I watched it. Blech.

The Vikings looked crappy, but that's been their thing this year. I'm still waiting for Vick to have a great quarterback game. He'll play next week, even though he got hurt, but Atlanta is getting by on its running game and defense. Not a bad way to get through, but will it be enough?

There were some cool plays in the Dallas-Oakland game. First, the truly horrendous tackling on the Dallas touchdown. Wow. I could have knocked that guy out of bounds. Then, later, the Cowboys tight end caught a pass a few yards short of the first down and was hit immediately. He dragged that guy a few feet, and then a bunch of other Raiders dogpiled him. He dragged about six Raiders an extra eight yards or so before he finally went down. It was awesome.

Well, Penn State is 5-0, but they haven't played anyone of note. This weekend they get Ohio State at home, which would be a huge win. I don't think they're going to do it. I watched the Southern Cal-Arizona State game, and got annoyed. With a little over a minute left in the first half, the Sun Devils got the ball with a timeout and a 21-3 lead. Yes, I know you don't want to screw up and give a great team like the Trojans an easy score, but as Gregg Easterbrook says, You don't dance with the champ, you have to knock him out. So the Sun Devils took a few knees and went into the locker room with an 18-point lead. But this is USC - they can score at will sometimes, and ASU gave USC a chance to regroup (and the Trojans got the ball first in the second half) and they lost by 10. Fortune favors the bold, Dirk Koetter and ASU! Go for the jugular at the end of the half, while USC is still reeling! I was yelling at the TV, but they didn't listen. I had a bad feeling about the second half, and it all came true. Sheesh.

So that was the weekend. Tonight is one shitty team (Green Bay) against one overrated team (Carolina). Watch Arrested Development instead.

¹ I didn't really mind. I like going out with the family. It's all so wholesome and Republican!

Ugh

You know how when you have a slight head cold and one of your nostrils is blocked up so you have to sleep on the side opposite to it so all the snot eventually goes into the other nostril and then you have to turn over and there's that slight tickle in your throat that makes you cough but more importantly makes it really hard to sleep and it feels like this is how you've always felt even though just a few days before you felt fine and you can't ever imagine feeling okay again?

God, I hate that feeling. It's how I've felt for the past couple of days. I know in a couple of days I'll be fine, but right now I can't even remember what it feels like to have a clear nasal passage.

My absolutely final pictures of Australia, plus why I will always hate the Chicago Cubs

So I know it's all cool to love the loser Cubs, but I have never liked them. Now, with their pathetic performance against Houston the past two days to somewhat cost the Phillies a playoff spot, I hope they go another century without winning the World Series. Yes, the Phillies went in the tank earlier this week against the stupid Mets, losing the first two games, and yes, the Phillies themselves lost, I think all 6 games they played against the Astros this year, but I will still reserve a bit of the blame for the Cubs. You're a loser franchise, Cubs. Not unlike my beloved Phillies. But everyone knows the Phillies are a loser franchise, and it's not "romantic" to root for them. It shouldn't be "romantic" to cheer for losers like the Cubs, either.

Okay, now that I got that out of my system, it's Picture Day, and we have reached the end of my journeys through Australia. In June 1992 I spent a little time with the girl I was dating, Melinda, on her farm in northern Victoria, near Echuca (it's near Shepparton, if you're interested) (oh, I joke - here's a map; it's about 200 kilometers north of Melbourne). It was a nice time - we hung out, went into town, relaxed, and I drank unpasteurized milk. See? I told you I was more exotic than you are! This is a picture of their farm:

 

This is the Iron Bridge connecting Victoria and New South Wales. I actually don't know if it's called that, so the capitals might be a bit much. It could have a completely different name. Anyone in my vast Australian readership want to help me out?

 

Echuca is famous, apparently, for its paddle steamers. It's good to be famous for something, I suppose. Here is one of them.

 

After I left the farm, I went for a couple of days to Mt. Hotham, a ski resort. It was neat. I hung out with some of the students I had gotten to know over the previous five months, and did some skiing. Here's the landscape:

 

Finally, it's a picture of me skiing. Yes, I wasn't always a big fat man permanently trapped in a chair in my living room! I was once out there! I also didn't care about no stinkin' poles, either! Especially on a wussy slope like this.

I learned how to ski in Austria and Switzerland when I was young. I miss the Alps. 

And so we leave Australia behind. Prior to meeting Krys, this was one of the best times of my life. I encourage anyone who has the opportunity to go, even though it's expensive. Next week: Still abroad, as we head to New Zealand!

Feral children, what to do at Wal-Mart, sex toys, strip clubs, marrying your own in-laws, and the best blog post EVER! It's link time!

It's another Saturday here at the blog, and I've been collecting links all week, and today was a big college football day (unfortunately, Arizona State turned the ball over 5 times and lost a tough game to USC, but Penn State beat the crap out of Minnesota, which was very cool), so my chair has a big ol' ass print, and you get links!

As I usually do, I will pimp my GuestMap. There's really no excuse for you not to sign it and say hello. Only good things can happen!

So let us fire up the links. After I asked last week, I got the answer about how to open the links in a new window. Let us hope I did it correctly, as I am computer-illiterate for the most part!

One always needs to laugh, so here we find funny links.

Latigo Flint examines the horror that is ... feral children!

You knew it was coming ... General Zod for president. He has my vote! Talk about a law-and-order candidate! I found the soon-to-be greatest president at Peter David.

Here's something I have definitely bookmarked: 100 Things I'd Do If I Was An Evil Overlord. I found this at Marionette's blog.

As Drink at Work puts it: Neon=delicious!



This guy gets people to touch his belly while being photographed. Truly awesome. I found this at I do all my own stunts.

Oscar Madison is scared of mannequins.

Ponce de Leon: what America needs for the war on terror?

Best. Blog. Entry. Ever. (Warning: offensive language.) Thanks to Roxy for sending me this blog's address.

Funny Bush joke. Can't we leave the president alone? (Answer: no.)

Summer movies other than March of the Penguins that conservatives are rallying behind.

One needs lists in one's life, so this category is all about the lists.

15 things to do in Wal-Mart while your significant other takes his or her time.

Layne's 13 rules for life. Always pertinent: "Never buy drugs from a honky with dreds." Amen, brother!

One should be interested in politics, even if it makes one ill.

I'm sure you want to buy Help! There are Liberals Under My Bed! Because it's never too early to indoctrinate your children politically. And, of course, there's a liberal alternative. Sigh. Remember when kids' books were about monsters at the end of the book and whether where wild things were? Foolish authors, trying to entertain kids when they could have been forming their political opinions! We already have Mia sporting "Hillary in 2008" T-shirts, damn it! These stories are from Andrew Sullivan.

Now, I'm sure the government has better things to do than come into the homes of adults and stop them from enjoying themselves without illegal substances and with no one getting hurt, right? HAH! Check out this anti-porn bill. It looks fine, although I'm squeamish about anti-porn bills. This one looks fine because it's all anti-child porn, which only freaks are upset about. However, if you read on, consenting adults taking naked pictures of each other in the privacy of their own homes would be illegal. Of course, who knows if anyone will vote against this because they don't want to be "soft" on child porn. Ah, the government - good thing we don't have a war on terror to fight, because the war on nudity is so much more important! This comes from The Agitator via Catallarchy.

How nice: the intelligent design trial has begun in Pennsylvania. I'm sure there has been a lot of commentary on several blogs about this, but I just wanted to point it out. Good to see how far we've come in 80 years, as in, nowhere. One last time: you can believe in intelligent design all you want, but it's not science. You can't test it scientifically. It should not be taught in science class. There's nothing more to be said.

The Disgruntled Chemist links to this article about how global warming isn't happening, and then proceeds to rip the guy a new one. The Chemist has lots of issues with people who don't think we're speeding up global warming. Good for him!

I talked about conservatives bashing Bush last week, and here they go again! This is from the Huffington Post.

President Bush wants to reinstate late-term abortions. That's nice of him. Maybe he wants to get rid of all the black people!¹

Free speech squashed at Bucknell University! Good to see. The phrase "hunting terrorists" caused a problem. Don't I wish I was making this up. I got this at Andrew Sullivan. Look, I'm as liberal as the next guy, but "free speech" cuts both ways. As the article points out, if I were at Bucknell and objected to a flyer with the word "vagina" on it, would they accommodate my idiocy? No they would not.

Ann Coulter opens her mouth again. I would quote from it, but it's so much better to read the whole thing. This is from the BEAST blog.

Okay, so these are Bill Bennett's actual words. Ace of Spades defends him here. John Cole defends him here. Now, it seems pretty clear that he wasn't advocating aborting all black babies, but to say that he's not saying something racist is less clear. First of all, he immediately equated "black people" with "crime," which is too often done. I wish Bennett had said the same thing about white people, because he'd probably be right to say that, too. Second, does Bill Bennett not have a brain? Despite the fact that there's nothing horribly wrong with what he said, didn't he think, right before he said it, "This might not be the best thing to say?" In this day and age, he couldn't have thought that would be a smart thing to say. As the Freakonomics guys point out here and here, Bennett misses the point anyway. In a humorous vein, Former Intern Andy knows the real reason why Bennett said it.

Boy, the world is in good shape, isn't it?

Are we getting ready to leave Iraq? The rumblings have begun ...

Barack Obama: the first black president? Lots of good stuff here. If only people would listen. This is from Donklephant.

One should read comic books, and one should therefore be edumacated about them.

Fred Hembeck always points out my big link-posts, and last week he wondered why I never steal from him. Well, Fred, I did once, back in the day. The problem with Fred's blog is that you can't link to a specific entry. So go read it - it's very interesting.



What the heck is Aquaman doing? Out-of-context comic book panels are the best. This week over at the Absorbascon, Scipio shows us how lonely Aquaman is. And to give Arthur some props, he also shows us Aquaman's heroic haiku abilities!

Chris reviews Terror, Inc, a regrettable mid-1990s Marvel title. The horror, the horror (to coin a phrase).

Here are some interesting thoughts about the gay character in Runaways #8. Can't someone in mainstream superhero comics just be gay and leave it at that?

Erik Larsen goes off on comic book creators. Excellent. Peter David disagrees with him. I love when comic book guys fight!

Yes, it's a painting of Super Grover by Alex Ross.

Buy it here. I found this at Laura's blog.

Oh dear.

"Idol" is some weird Kryptonian euphemism, right?

One really doesn't have enough news about squids in one's life, does one?

You know you can't have a good weekend without reading about squid sex! Talk about freaky! Because it's about cool animal stuff, I must have found it on Pharyngula.

Speaking of squid and freaky stuff, scientists have taken a picture of giant squid! Oh, it's the Holy Grail of biologists!

Here's a picture of it, which I found here. Lots of other pictures there too. Groovy. My dad once ate squid in its own ink, because he's crazy. That's some trivia for you!

Giant squid v. John Roberts" a comparison!

One should always peruse the miscellany, because there may be newsworthy items in there.

Half of Europeans know two languages. Only 9 percent of Americans do. This says something about our educational system and our values, but what exactly would take a long time to get into. I think all children should be forced to learn two languages from the moment they enter school. But that's just me. I found this on Education Wonks.

According to this study by godless Europeans, godless European countries are better off than the United States. How so? Well, they have less crime, less teen pregnancy, less drug abuse. Stupid godless Europeans. How dare they question us? This is from those godless Americans at the Huffington Post.

It's the history of the Doomsday Clock. It's interesting to see where it was and why.

A top Jesuit speaks out against the Vatican's expected ban on gay priests. Good to see. This is from Donklephant.

One should also peruse the fun miscellany, so one can see how truly bizarre our wonderful world is.

Chris McLaren expands his vocabulary. Excellent stuff, including a bakku-shan, which is Japanese meaning "a girl who looks like she might be pretty when seen from behind, but isn't when seen from the front." Those excellent Japanese!

How many of you are poor spellers? Come on, you can admit it! I am very good at spelling (one of the few things I'm good at), so I appreciate this list of the 100 most misspelled words. Bookmark it and use it! I found it at Ramblings of a Generalist.

Check it out:

This translates as: What are you doing for the plan?

The translation of this evident.
Sleestak points out these two propaganda posters. I'm sure the American one is much better, because of ... some reason. Because we're Americans! Yeah, that's it!

A Harry Potter fan copies the entire book. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently those Slovakians don't have many books around. I found the story at A little east of reality.

Oh dear. Have you always wanted sex toys shaped like religious icons, because you just know that Jesus wants you to get kinky? Well, buy them here. I love the Internet. You can buy, quite literally, anything you want.

West Virginia is Number One! Why, say you? Because it has the most strip clubs per capita in the country. Bet you can't guess what number two is!²

Boy, today's links are full of sex, aren't they? I don't mean it, but sometimes it just happens that way. Like a story about the worst sex scenes in movie history. They don't list them, but the pool scene from Showgirls is the worst. Interestingly enough, I've never seen that scene. I've seen a bit of the movie, but whenever I watch it for more than two minutes my eyes start to bleed. I found the story at Ace of Spades.

An English man will now be allowed to wed his ex-mother-in-law. Isn't that sweet? This comes from Dancing the Polka with Miss El Cajon.

The 24-Hour Church of Elvis web site is back! If you don't know what this venerable Portland institution is, read more about it here. It's groovy. I have a T-shirt and a refrigerator magnet.

The California wildfires force Britney Spears from her home and come "dangerously close to the set of hit TV show 24. Dear Lord, where is the president! Our natural resources are threatened! Dave Barry pointed this out.

Roxy sent me this link: This guy made 365 stuffed animals, and they are weird.

That's all for this week. Phew. The Internet keeps expanding, and I'm trying to keep up, I swear!

¹ Just like Bill Bennett says we should!
² It's Oregon, by the way. At least it's not a "good Christian" state like Georgia. That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? Oregon is a nice godless state that likes Commie liberals and chicks taking their clothes off. Stalin's wife was a stripper, you know.

Update on my resolution, plus my gay-dar goes off!

This morning I weighed 215.5 pounds, meaning in September I lost 3.5 pounds. Not bad, but still not as good as it could be. At least I'm losing again, unlike in June and July. My net loss for the year is 18.5 pounds. My goal of reaching 200 before the end of the year might be difficult, but it's still somewhat in reach. If I can't get there, I definitely want to get below 210. So there you have it.

Last night Krys was watching What Not To Wear. I don't like the show, but that's neither here nor there. I also don't particularly care if Clinton is gay or not, but something he said made me think he is. He called one of the made-over people's clothes "fabulous." My question: has a straight guy ever called anything "fabulous"? It seems like a dead giveaway. Come out of the closet, Clinton! We'll still love you!¹

¹ He might be out of the closet, for all I know. The way he swings doesn't really matter in the context of the show. I just like outing people. It's the way I am. Like this guy. Shouldn't he just end the suspense? Come on, it's so obvious!